Why Do Parents Hate Their Kids?

[Pencil]

IN that case none of us would be here ;)

 

[raven123]

Maddog, You were a kid. You really couldn't fight back. Parents are kid's whole world's. They are supposed to protect and love and cherish not harm through action or neglect. It sucks, I know.

If I missed anyone in the last 30 replies, I'm sorry. I think I responded to everyone that talked about abusive parents.

You do have to grieve over the losses in life, including the loss of childhood and innocence. Mental abuse was my worst from my sperm donor and, to some degree, from my mom. The sex abuse stole everything first. Then, my parents did me no favors.

I've never grieved over my losses. :) I personally have never seen the point in crying. I was yelled at for doing it anyway. I also wonder if I'd ever stop and the resulting emotion might cause me to do something bad to myself. I also have no one there to comfort me either. I have huge trust issues with God so whether she would do it or not and it not tick me off, I don't know. The loving God doesn't deserve my anger, but she wasn't vocal enough (I guess God said something) telling me the ahole version was wrong.

 

[Pencil]

I've never grieved over my losses. :) I personally have never seen the point in crying. I was yelled at for doing it anyway. I also wonder if I'd ever stop and the resulting emotion might cause me to do something bad to myself. I also have no one there to comfort me either.

Raven, I think many people here experience exactly this. And that's why it is so important to talk about it.

 

[maddog]

Thumbs up to the need for a license to parent, though I did also have to smile at the concept of how much emptier this forum would be without us all...

It is with sadness, but honesty, that I fear I would never apply for such a license. Not that I would ever, ever, intentionally or knowingly abuse or neglect a child, but as long as I remain as insecure and disturbed in my own journey through life as I am, I have no business guiding a child through theirs. I can't know if that will ever change and try not to crystal ball gaze, but for now, I would not in good conscience subject any child to my motherhood.

I know, rationally, that it was unrealistic for me to ever have fought back against my father directly, particularly as a child, and even now that I am all grown up... or whatever it is that I am. I spent a lot of time in my adolescence and erly adulthood plotting the homicidal demise of my father, and confess I even got close - very close a couple of times.

Part of me took courage and comfort from those fantasies, and almost mourns their loss now that they seem oddly gone. Sometimes they made me feel strong, capable, the way that revenge can. Sometimes I feel sad to think I will never know that strength and comfort in reality.

I don't know what my point is. I know that my father is a lonely and miserable man and that his life is not a happy one. This brings me a tiny skerik of satisfaction, but not much, both because his unhappiness could never possibly equal that which he gave to me, and because satisfaction at another's suffering, while temporarily vengefully pleasing, doesn't do anything to diminish my own, and I guess I'm at that self-absorbed part of my journey where it's all about me.

Maddog

 

[Don't trip]

I can honestly say, even though I love my children dearly and did the best I could with what I knew (not much), that if I had it to do over again, given my family genetics and generational and chronic abuse, psychopathy, depression and alcoholism, I would not have had children.

The ONLY difference between myself and my parents, is that I have been working very hard to make amends with my children. It has been VERY painful, but I'm willing to take on that pain to perhaps change the generational course.

Three of my six are emotionally healthy. I am very, very grateful for that. One is bipolar and one is with a psychopath and struggles with depression. I have hope for both when they come to awareness.

There is no hope for my youngest son, for he is disordered and I fear for those lives he comes into contact with. This has been the most difficult to deal with. I know people will be hurt. Ugh.

I can't change what I've done that has caused pain to my children, but I can try to do what my parents refused to do: Own up to my shit with them and hopefully help to set them on a course for healing.

 

[Philippa]

And that's the responsable way to think Maddog. If only some parents would have taken the same responsability, so many people wouldn't be here sure, but they also wouldn't have had to go through all that they did.

It's hard to say that I wouldn't want you all to have been born, because I have so much respect for you all, but in the sense that I would have wanted for us all to not have had to suffer what we did, then yes, I've said to my mother before I wished she had never had me...which is silly of course because you cannot wish it away, and life is beautiful and a gift, but putting up with all their crap makes it hard to see that it's worth it at times.

I'm in a better place now though, but I remember feeling this way very strongly at one point.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

given my family genetics and generational and chronic abuse, psychopathy, depression and alcoholism,

That is why I choose not to have children. It's a wall that can not be changed.

 

[p-no]

I personally have never seen the point in crying.

I think the point is not in crying, raven, the point is in feeling.

I doubt she'd have wanted to be treated that way.

She really did not want to be, but was. She knew first-hand how I felt growing up with her as my mother. The problem was though, she never identified the behaviour as abuse because it was so normal. What made her start to see was copies of a part of a book (Allies in Healing) that I had sent her so she would get insight into what I was going through resulting from my own child sexual abuse. Instead of shedding some light on my situation, again, it was about her. She found herself in me and the women the book is about, and finally started to wake up.

Was she the adult? Yes. Was she my mother? Yes. Was she responsible to treat me right? Yes.

She will always be responsible for what she did to me. Neither her death nor my understanding for her and my compassion for her will change anything. That also doesn't change anything about the fact that I don't know that woman really and that we were never really mother and daughter. The understanding and compassion I have for her is that of one "child" for another.

I have compassion for you as well, raven.

 

[Don't trip]

Ayesha,

It's a good decision....

 

[Don't trip]

You know, I can't find a reason to make my existence okay. I can't say that 'good' has come from abuse with all the struggles I've had to deal with. Most of the time, I can see a silver lining, perhaps due to the last trigger I'm still recovering from, I can't at the moment.

I think any child born into psychopathy, is a tragedy. There is way too much abuse and too little being done about it. The good thing is that we recognize it better today then when I was growing up and it was best kept a secret.

I think we are all courageous in speaking out about it.

I think the goal is to find meaning through all of it. I thought I had found mine. Now I'm not certain anymore.

 

[safenow]

There is way too much abuse and too little being done about it. The good thing is that we recognize it better today then when I was growing up

I second this statement.

 

[MomOfTwo]

I always worried I would be like my parents but I am not. I have chosen to a life different then theirs. If I was being abusive in another relationships prior to children then I may be capable of damaging my children. I think the capability to abuse does not come only from your predecessors. It has to begin somewhere and it can end somewhere as well. There are so many adults that were abused and do not abuse and so many that abuse and were not abused.

Despite being children in unformiddable circumstance each and every survivor survived for a reason. You can repeat behaviour by continually abusing yourself or others or you can help people help themselves through forums like this or other methods.

I think all of us childhood abuse sufferers have a critical voice or many critical voices but it is up to us to create new voices for ourselves in our heads despite the difficulty. I hear all the time in my head that I am not a good parent. My therapist tells me I am a good parent, my husband, my doctor, my friends and I know I do not repeat the same behaviours I dealt with. I do overprotect my children and advocate for them strongly and may end up being a little over involved in their lives due to being abused. I would never let them have an overnight for example due to sexual abuse issues.

My therapist told me that some parents parent without giving thought about how they react. I am always thinking too much ahead of time on how to 'deal' with situations. She told me it is recognizing that there was a problem and that things were not right growing up. We are not our parents. We can be like our parents if we 'choose' to. Each and every one of us that has suffered abuse can be 'better' parents, better friends, better partners because of our experience. We know suffering and would not want anyone to suffer the same.

I must say that being a parent is the hardest job I have ever done. It has brought PTSD front and centre. My abuser saw me with my children and that is when my PTSD kicked in full throttle. They trigger a lot of my own abuse but in ways that has been very healing for me. I have never been more loved in my life and I never felt more love for anyone in my life. Every single day I tell them I love them. I am not perfect. I have yelled but I apologize and 'own' up to how I should do things differently. I do time outs and do time outs for myself which are more effective with my children then timing them out. :)

I am doing all the things with my children that were not done for me. I feed them 3 meals a day which I was not given. I make sure they have snacks. I read to them daily, I cuddle with them daily, crafts daily. We do tea parties. I have a safari day where we just have all the tots stuffies and I make tents and we have safari hats. In the darkest of days toddlers and babies will not let you sleep so I had no choice but to plod on and I did.

I taught them sign language early on. I have the cutest videos of them signing. I wanted them to be able to communicate without frustration. I wanted them to feel secure in every way. I made them these books with envelopes and on the front of the books has their picture and Says 'All about Me" On the inside is a story I wrote about each of them. I have ultrasound pics and family pics, pics of us gardening and each page focusses on big events in their lives. I never had that. I don't have any pics as a newborn and I think only a couple as a toddler. I want them to know how special they are. Children are a gift. There should be licenses for parents and courses in grade, middle and high school. Too many children have children in society and need supports in parenting.

I just have to say we are not our parents. I will constantly question my parenting because of my own esteem issues. My children will tell me how they feel, they can tell me if they are disappointed or sad or angry. I have given my children what I was not and in return they give me what I needed as well growing up. Unconditional love. I know I am loved so much by them and it is overwhelming sometimes. I do not understand why someone would love me... that is another one of those critics in my head. I am glad my children are able to express what they feel. I have difficulty with that. I mostly feel a heavy feeling which I think is many memories contained in a box that weighs me down. Some days the box feels lighter but the box is always there. I hope someday for it to be gone but know that takes time.

Each and every one of us that were abused as children do not have to recreate our family of origin within our relationships. The key is to know that all of us are capable of being more. As I said, we are not our parents.