I Am Selfish

[Philippa]

Yah, volunteering helped me be more social as well, and I was able to meet new people. I made friends with at least one woman who became a close friend for many years. You never know who you're gonna meet.

 

[saffy]

They made things worse in their attempt to make things better for me.

It's hard to not feel like a burden when that is how you are treated.

Fair enough. :)

If you feel like that then you have to listen to yourself and decide what will make you feel less anxious and happier and free to get to know yourself and get stronger. :)

It certainly helped me. :)

I've met some extraordinarily kind and genuine people in the last year. I'm very lucky.

stick with these type and take time to connect better. Just enjoy the fact that they are genuine people around you. :)

I can see I still feel sorry for myself about the way I was treated in the past.

Sorry for yourself? I think we carry the burden of what happened for a long time until we start to like ourself again. Then the sorrow turns to self belief that we can be happy. :hug: (if that's ok)

I don't feel that I have anything to offer anyone.

You offer us a lot and I am grateful for being able to hear what you have to say. :)

What would you like to be able to offer? :)

I can't do that to anyone anymore. The guilt is too great

get agitated, irritated, anxious, have panic attacks, have flashbacks.

SoL, do you feel like this when you are in a quiet place? or is it just around people?

Sorry to ask you do not have to answer.

I found in the end that it was the stress of trying to trust and fit in that was making me worse. When alone doing my own thing I was much more calm. Is it like that for you?

It might be that your anxiety about being a burden is making things worse for you. There cannot be much inner calm when around people who make you think like that. I am sorry to hear that. :(

I don't know how to make friends?

It is hard to make new friends for everyone :) It does not help that you feel you have nothing to offer. :)

I found as long as you smile and are polite even without really being chatty then people will be polite back.

What do you think they will have to offer if you said hello to them ?

I do agree with the others though.

Finding groups that will be associated with people who care will inevitably get you doing stuff with people who are less likely to be abusive towards you.

Volunteering is a good start as suggested. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Enrolling in courses where you can find like minded people. Simple steps like this. Putting yourself out there. If you are isolating though, it's not going to happen.

I have been enrolled in classes since last fall.

What would you like to be able to offer? :)

SoL, do you feel like this when you are in a quiet place? or is it just around people?

I found in the end that it was the stress of trying to trust and fit in that was making me worse. When alone doing my own thing I was much more calm. Is it like that for you?

I found as long as you smile and are polite even without really being chatty then people will be polite back.

What do you think they will have to offer if you said hello to them ?

I don't know if there is anything I can offer? I don't know how to answer this other than say I don't want to burden anyone or scare them away, but this ultimately means hiding away the PTSD and the anxiety and such. I don't know if I can do that?

I'm fine when I'm by myself most of the time. It's being around other people that make me anxious. Then I'm told that if I don't have an über social life that I'm never going to get better. It sucks. So I just hide away where I'm happy.

I don't have a problem saying hello to people in public. It's all scripted anyway, part of public niceties.

 

[celia]

Love is about relationships. There is no separation between the two. There are degrees of "relationship". For myself, I accommodate the need for connection through agency elder care and community service. But I DO have a relationship with people, that's why I'm laughing.

You were thinking what I,was thinking

 

[Olivia Felton]

My husband describes himself as a PTSD widower. He has decided to take a break. The lack of intimacy is a real problem for him. He says he can deal with all the rest of the crazy, but not being able to hug me is a problem for him. Will he be back? I don't know. Right now all I can worry about is fixing me.

Yes, I am selfish. And right now, that is just effing fine with me since I spent so much of my life taking care of other people and their crises. Right now, i am the most important person in my life.

Further on in my recovery, I will work on adding people to my trusted circle.

 

[Olivia Felton]

I call bull on needing to have a busy social life in order to get better. I am naturally a reserved, private person. It is a wonder that I got married and had kids.

Studies show that people are gregarious and need to be with others. But history is filled with hermits. Alaska, the state I lived in, worked, and dearly loved is full of hermits. They are perfectly happy and for the most part, well adjusted. They moved there to escape the intrusions of society.

 

[Philippa]

It's hard for gregarious types to understand that, and I think most therapists and psychologists would be gregarious types, so of course they would say that it is essential to sound mental health. If the individual feels happiest on their own, then who has the right to tell them they would have more fun around others. Just because they can't understand how hermits tick, doesn't mean they aren't happier on their own.

 

[saffy]

Then I'm told that if I don't have an über social life that I'm never going to get better.

I think you should ignore that bit of advice SoL.

There is no rule about having to go out and be around loads of people and party all the time. Sorry, but that might be for them but it is not for you.

There must be a part of you that actually like your own time? I used to think I had to be the fun person always happy, like a performing seal to make them think I was happy and ok. I learnt that the reason why I was unhappy and what was making my anxiety worse was that actually I hated it. I liked my own time to do things I liked. I liked not having to converse or entertain somebody. It was peaceful. Let them go out if that is what they like. :)

Finding quality friends takes a long time. Most of mine are just acquaintances really. I have very few people I would call good friends. I find quality is better than quantity :)

It took time for me to realise that people who made me feel guilty, embarrassed, self critical or unworthy are the ones who have the problem with not being supportive, understanding or caring. There was me thinking it was me when in fact it was the people who made me feel like it because of their ignorance, manipulating and self centred attitude.

Why did I even want to have anything to do with someone who makes me feel bad about myself? No one has the right to do that, eh. :)

It was for those reasons I decided that I would be happier doing things alone if the alternative was to have to be with people who made me feel bad about myself.

I would only be happy with those who genuinely made me feel happy and safe, it would reflect their attitude towards others.

It is the people who make you feel bad that are the selfish ones in the end. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)