Letter From My Mother?

[Raj]

My Mother recently wrote me letter saying things like God has for given me so why can't you? It was in her "angry hand writing, not the flowing writing she used to write to my sister. It hand underlying tones of rage, like what have we done, why have you quit talking to us and coming for holidays?

I used to try to explain this and she would change the subject or fake empathy or sympathy and then get upset I was sharing to much about the very health problem she asked about.

I call my family my "non-family now" they have so much more concern for siblings who have don things from attempting to stab my mom's face in front of me to molesting me that I just don't get it? How could anyone?


I may forgive somethings but never forget and I really think I am supposed to forget in her mind.

 

[Raj]

I had to let my wife read the letter to me and then a few hours later I read it and tore it up. It was short and just kept repeating that her and my step Dad don't understand me and don't know what they have done wrong. I tried to tell them for years, when "they did not listen", but did ask. I know they really don't want to hear it.

Then they got to this point of wanting me to be friends with "their friends, I had to, if I loved them". Then when that didn't work we (I, my wife and children would all be called) derogatory names. These people will never get it.

To me a holiday is the time apart.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

They all sound very toxic! I'm glad you've been able to get away from them.

I think forgiveness is often misconstrued and people think its just something you decide to do and wham! problem solved. You don't owe anyone forgiveness unless you truly want to forgive them. I think your mother is being abusive by saying God forgives her, so you should too. I've come across this sentiment before and honestly, I think that this pressure to forgive can just make the recipient of the bad behavior (victim?) just feel worse! Instead of the perpetrator truly repenting, the victim is blamed for not being able to just get over it. I somehow don't think this is what god intended for the concept of forgiveness!

I think you're a strong person, and I wish you the best.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Sorry to hear about your mom's letter. I know how painful that kind of communication can be.

Instead of the perpetrator truly repenting, the victim is blamed for not being able to just get over it.

Well put.

I used to try to explain this and she would change the subject or fake empathy or sympathy and then get upset I was sharing to much about the very health problem she asked about.

That's what my mom does, except it's been awhile since I've pushed her to the point of becoming upset with me. She gets silent before she gets upset... so, I go silent when she does now. She's the one trying to make a connection now, and so if she drops the conversation then I let her drop it and I basically move to something else I want to say.. or I get off the phone.

It's really difficult to give up on ever connecting with my family. I thought I would be able to explain myself to them someday and they would understand, ask for forgiveness, and see me the way I see me. But, that is never going to happen. They can't afford it because if they see me as the victim instead of themselves... then what will that make them? That's too painful for them. My thoughts still meander over the ways and hows of convincing them and reconnecting... it's painful for me to rehash that and constantly come back to the fact that they aren't the kind of people who have earned the respect and compassion that it would take for me to set aside my pain and trust them not to hurt me again. They are the kind of people who have always, and continue to, hope that I will get over it and come back to them without asking them to change their minds, attitudes, values, core beliefs... about anything, especially about me.

Not going to happen. I've already been through too much trying to reconnect with them. I just wish I could honestly say that I've moved on from this... it would be so nice if I could just leave this at their doorstep and walk away. "Here's your guilt trip back. I don't want it anymore. I choose isolation over your companionship." (Insert them pleading... "But why?!?!" here) "Well for one thing, you don't listen to me. You don't believe me. I told you "why" already and here you are asking me again as if you've never heard it before."

 

[a3a2]

That letter sounds like something my mother would write!

 

[PinkSugar]

You are not God!

People who are so concerned with being forgiven aren't looking for a resolution. They care about themselves and how they sleep at night, not the affect their choices took on you. There is no selfish way for you to handle this. If it was me I ban the person from my life, but that may not be the best idea either.

Wishing you much strength!
Emm

 

[Tanishq]

Raj, well my parents do the same to me. Ask all worldly things to me and never actually listened to me. I know they never showed interest to listen me. It's just formality to make a show they care about me and get their things done. But I do know they never cared about and loved me.

I know what your mother is doing there. Try different things on you, make you think as they want. They are showing things to you which isn't reality. In fact, If someone feels god's mercy as your mother is claiming to be forgiven, their tone will be very kind and considering. Your mother is clearly putting up a fake show. Good to read you are staying away from this all. Very toxic people, yes!

 

[Tanishq]

I somehow don't think this is what god intended for the concept of forgiveness!

Yes. This is true. Your post makes great sense. I support. Forgiveness is based on understanding and realization of an act. Not possible to realize overnight.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Raj, I really appreciate you posting about your Mother's letter. I thought about posting about my Mom's phone call, but found I was speechless about it. Your post has given me a chance to process some of what I experienced.

They care about themselves and how they sleep at night, not the affect their choices took on you.

I love this quote. It drives home the truth of my life. My family always protected themselves despite how that affected my life. That they continue to be concerned with their own well being, without consideration of mine, demonstrates that the very essence of their abuse has continued unchanged. Thank you so much for this insight!

 

[Raj]

Thank you for your responses I have felt so alone for years and like i am the selfish one. I truly do not want to be angry, yet it is hard not to be when my sister and step siblings are treated like gold and I am treated like a stranger.

As a Christian I confessed all my wrongs to my family and the few friends I used to trust with an open heart and my friends actually seemed not to judge but my so call family wasa different story, the truth hurt me more than helped?