ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[Abstract]

Someone once described it to me as being like a little pocket of psychosis and that is exactly what it feels like. I am so glad this is in the past for me when I hear these struggles.

I think it can be like a strong means of redirecting other awful stuff into what feels like a more manageable form - body image and food stuff. Except it still adds another layer of struggles to everything else.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Maddog, I have the exact same story. The exact and so glad I found this thread. Just this year, I've suspected an ED. I don't do it to lose weight but I under eat as well. Or I will eat foods my body is sensitive to to punish myself. I have never been conscious of this before and didn't think it could be connected to trauma around food.

My step father did the same things to me around food amongst other food related incidences.

How do you change this? I've tried to actively eat better but that only lasts a few days and then I'm off forgetting all about it. I don't get hungry until the afternoon now :/ Then I binge eat at night!

Should I tell my T?

 

[nomedic1]

I would strongernow.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I've been trying to eat a little more regularly lately. I'm still under my "normal" recommended calorie intake. And I rely heavily on my safe foods. I've avoided the scale but have been really scrutinizing my body and making sure my clothes fit the way I want them to. And being a woman I'm just starting my cycle which means some bloating. So today I got on the scale. I'm up a pound because of my cycle I know but the first thing I said to myself is even though it's water bloat weight no more of this increased eating.

I tend to have a snack at night. Very low calorie low fat low everything dry cereal. And even though I know it's my normal gain for this time of the month I feel bigger than I usually do. I keep looking at myself in the mirror at what needs to be smaller. I keep going over this and over this in my head. And the other day I mentioned something to my mom about when I was a teenager and was about 97lbs and she told me how I'd never weigh that again and I felt like I'll take that challenge. Even though that's not how she meant it. I feel like I'm not making sense as I try to explain all of this. But I know I felt trapped when my mom said I'd never weigh 97lbs again. Does any of this even make sense? I don't even know what to wish for because I'm so afraid that if I wished to be healthier about food I'd gain weight and that scares me.

 

[maddog]

Oh Blackbird, your last statement about your fear of gaining weight if you ate more healthily... gosh, that is me, exactly me. I want it... until I think about what might happen if I had it.

Strongernow, I am so sorry for your past too, and for the struggles it has left you with. I would absolutely definitely recommend that you discuss this with your therapist, if and when you feel able to. These aren't the sort of difficulties that can be managed alone, nor should they have to be. I know that shame held me back for a long long time and I won't lie and pretend that it's gone, but in my case, the first conversation really was the hardest, and i find that now I am able to discuss it in low level terms in an almost conversational way, which is another tiny but critical step forward.

My therapist attended a conference on the interplay of diet/nutrition and mental illness on the weekend. I am morbidly looking forward to hearing his views and take-home messages...

You deserve support and empathy, you really do, and you'll find them here and, I hope, from your T too.

I am spending a lot of time working out pretty hard at the gym right now. I am building a bit of muscle... and we all know what that means. I stood on the scales the other day for the first time in months, when my resolve not to finally ran out. I was truly horrified by the increase, even though I'd warned myself it would likely be there and tried to reassure myself that at least some of it would be muscle.

None of my forewarning made me feel any better. I now feel tempted to stop weight training so that I can lose the muscle, except that I don't want that either... which has opened up yet another double bind.

And I am finding myself increasingly affected by my anorexic friend at the day programme again. She and I have been talking a lot lately and discovering that we have lots of things and thoughts in common, about more than just food and exercise, but the more the rapport is built, the more our boundaries about such topics are lowered. This is bad for me. I know I'm not strong enough to have appropriate boundaries about this and that I need to withdraw. Yet another double bind...

Maddog

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

My mom just told me I don't have an eating disorder. I said my therapist said I do. She said "I see you and she doesn't. I see you eat lasagna and salad and you don't eat too much". I said "I haven't eaten today. Yesterday I ate an egg and that piece of lasagna you saw me eat at dinner and a snack last night because I was hungry. The day before that I ate once during the day. Sometimes what you see me eat is all I eat all day". Somehow it ended up with me losing my patience and her crying.

I'm coming back to this post to add that sometimes I get so frustrated being borderline. Not that I want to be full blown but people and their understanding and sometimes mine too get lost somewhere between having an ED and not. It's like people don't realize there's more to EDs than what it looks like you weigh. There's a whole mindset and ways of thinking and a lot of other factors that go into the struggle and the diagnosis.

 

[maddog]

Oh Blackbird, "liking" your post a hundred times. Whether or not you click over into the diagnosable ED category is only a drop in the ocean of whether or not you struggle with disordered eating and all of its related difficulties. I agree. Sometimes I almost wish I could just have one or not, but I don't, and yet I might as well have for all the negative impact that food and eating have on my life.

Right now I am finding the constant endless intrusive thoughts about food and eating and weight and exercise to be utterly maddening and as bad as they ever get. It feels torturous. I never eat the same things or amount two days in a row, in just the same way I never regulate my sleep or exercise consistently. The big 3 feel like 3 sources of evil that take over my entire existence.

Wish I had more than just empathy for you, and for all of us.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Hi Blackbird,

My advice? Don't even try to get understanding from anyone in the general public if you don't think they are somehow exceptional and intuitive!

It's a sure way to cause yourself misery. Almost everyone "out there" even thinks anorexia is only when someone is emaciated and 10 kg's. They have no concept of the terrible dangers of being even just within the AN BMI.

How much more taxing for their small brains then (sorry can't help it:p) to try to understand that someone can be a "normal" weight, that they can be overweight, that they can be obese, that they may be the only one in a group not discussing diets and how fat they are, and still have a serious eating disorder.

I guess the way to look at it is that eating disorders are not normal ways of thinking and that's why people don't get it. But if you are not careful comments like that can be triggering.

Rather tell those around you what you need and educate them. That's different from wanting reassurance.

What you need to remember is that every single person with an eating disorder will go through a stage where it is not evident in a visual way. Most will at least spend many years there. There is no way of getting around it. So thinking that having a different ed will solve the problem is unhelpful as it won't solve what you think it will solve.

Ed's are psychological conditions that have serious physiological (regardless of BMI), lifestyle, social and psychological consequences. All ED's.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Sometimes I almost wish I could just have one or not, but I don't, and yet I might as well have for all the negative impact that food and eating have on my life.

That's how I feel. I try to understand it because sometimes I look at myself and I just don't see it on myself physically as far as a stereotypical kind of thing goes. Or I try explain it to people and all they do is look at me and see me not emaciated as you said and I end up feeling like I have to convince them that I struggle with my body image my attitude towards food and eating and my eating habits. I feel like sometimes I go back and forth between yes I'm diagnosed as being borderline ED and I can totally see it. And no I don't have that just look at me. It can be so confusing and it drives me crazy.

Right now I am finding the constant endless intrusive thoughts about food and eating and weight and exercise to be utterly maddening

Me too. Especially today. Constantly wondering how many calories I've had. Have I stayed under a certain amount like I like to? And I wish I could exercise but I have back problems and I really can't so I feel trapped.

Wish I had more than just empathy for you, and for all of us.

Thank you. I wish the same for you and all of us too.

Today I'm really struggling with my eating. My cycle is over and the munchies have gone. The scale went down a pound like I wanted it to. And my brother is here from out of state and he keeps asking me if I want to eat this or that. He wants me to have a smoothie with him. And all I keep thinking is how many calories and sugar and fat are going to be in it.

Lately when I eat I don't eat until I'm full. I eat almost literally half of what's in front of me because then I know it's less than a serving. And right now I'm hungry but I won't let myself eat because I feel like I finally got my eating under control again and got the scale to go down again. And if I eat something now I'm going to screw it up. This is so frustrating. I feel like I can't talk about this anywhere except here. I'm fighting the urge so bad to go get something to eat. It's terrible because I know I want to eat and I know if I'm hungry my body needs to eat. But I just can't let myself do it.

I've also noticed that lately I've been a little more obvious with my attitude about eating. I'm usually more secretive and will accept food and just throw half of it away. But now when I'm offered food I notice myself making a face and saying things like "I can't eat it that's too much food". It's like part of me isn't even trying to hide it anymore and I really don't understand why that is.

I opened up to my therapist about this again. I told her I'm barely eating and her response was "you need to eat 3 meals a day especially brown rice because it's grounding". In my head I was screaming at her. In my head I was saying "I'm crying out for help here I already know I should be eating 3 meals a day". But I didn't. I just looked at her and then looked at the floor. That's usually a sign that I'm starting to as I say "check out". It starts with me kind of looking at the floor and then zoning out. Even if that means completely tuning people out. I wish I understood this ED thing more. I kind of feel alone and lost in this. It's so confusing.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Sorry Black Bird. I know it's tough. I ate twice today. A chicken sandwich and a peanut butter jelly one only cuz my T made me :/

I don't think eating smaller portions is a bad thing per say and I definitely don't think eating 3 meals a day is the only way.

I've heard that eating 5 small meals a day is better.

I do notice if I try and eat dinner early like 6, I binge all night :/ dunno why that is but I've been trying to stop myself from going in there to emotionally eat like when I feel an uncomfortable emotion. It's hard. Because then I end up not eating anything until 4pm the next day.

I just wanted you to know you're not alone. I don't even keep a scale in my house and I only look in the mirror once a day lol

 

[maddog]

Hanging in there with you Blackbird, I really am. In a bad space right now and have very few words. Your T's reaction does not sound helpful, I'm sorry. Will try to come back later with a more coherent response, but please know you are never alone with this.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

Actually what is standard protocol when dealing with eating disorders is 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. A snack would be something such a yogurt.

For most people that would entail a process where the dietician would gradually help introduce something extra as it is totally unrealistic for anyone with an ed to "just do it already"! It is rather a painful inching forward. There is normally emotional and practical support on ways to make it more doable. Almost everyone with an ed will be be doing 3 meals and 2 snacks eventually to help with the problem. Two meals long term is not a good idea at all.

T's have no other way to deal with this other than give a reality check but that generally doesn't tend to help as knowing what we should do and actually doing it are two different things.

I won't discuss the type of eating or non eating that I used to do as it is probably going to be triggering for some and is pretty horrific but suffice it to say that I really understand the difficulties.