Feeling Like I Hope I'll Die Soon

[outlawstar555]

In less than six months I'll have had 8 years since my accident that onset my PTSD. I'm 28 and I feel as though I have nothing to look forward to...
I got a little obsessive compulsive in relating to my therapist that I had counted exactly how much time it had been, though I'm not OCD.

For awhile I wondered if my "stuff" would prevent me from ever having a romantic partner or children (it's kind of one of those things you almost just assume would happen in your life...) and then I got Testicular Cancer. I only needed surgery, luckily, but things do not get any better... I can't bring myself to get follow-up ct scans as I don't want chemo or radiation if I had a recurrence somewhere in my body. The statistics on sterility and ED are astoundingly bad after treatment...
On some level I feel as though I know Cancer will kill me and I almost wish it would...
For a very long time I've felt that I have lost parts of myself to PTSD, but more recently I question what was there to begin with. I have no gf and not even any friends anymore. I keep thinking I'm lonely, but then I remember that people f*cking suck and I'm somehow better off. Idk.
My therapist keeps telling me I am making progress, but I fail to see it. I don't tell her I'd probably kill myself if Cancer came back and with 8 years almost up I think to myself, what about when it's at 10? I'll be 30 and a 1/3 of my life will have been total bullshit.
I honestly keep feeling (and mostly keeping to myself) that it's too late for things to improve.

 

[outlawstar555]

There have been times I've thought maybe being 51/50'ed is something coming, but being locked away for any amount of time scares me more. I'm extremely stubborn and feel like if put in that sort of place that I'd purposefully assault someone just for being angry for being there.. That certainly wouldn't get me out...
I would disappear if I thought that was going to happen. Drive off in my car, abandon it, and idk...

 

[joeylittle]

I honestly keep feeling (and mostly keeping to myself) that it's too late for things to improve.

Me too. I don't know a good way to tell you how to make this go away, but if it helps at all to know you're not alone in this thought...I can tell you, you aren't alone.

The only thing I try and do is remind myself that - as much as I can make all sorts of rational lists about why my odds of certain things changing are slim to none - i still don't actually know the future. Remembering that helps sometimes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

People DO suck. Sorry I don't have more uplifting words. A bit miffed as of late.

 

[Lost214]

Wow you are really deep in the worm hole right now. Been there many times. I can say that I've found my way up each time. It's hard to ride the waves and you've had some serious health on top of that. You just have to keep digging and do all you can so this nightmare that is ptsd doesn't get to take anymore from you.

 

[jewel]

Hi Outlaw,

I am very sorry for your pain. In can sense how much you are suffering right now. All of us have pain from time to time, and pain can be a strong motivator for change however, suffering is optional. Suffering is unnecessary and a waste of time. It comes in the form of negative self talk "I will never get married", "I will never find a partner", "I know cancer will kill me". These kinds of comments prevent happiness and prevent you from moving forward.

I truly understand you. I too have PTSD from an accident and mine was almost seven years ago (4 more months). Sometimes I think my T is the only one who gets me because he is the only constant person in my life (besides my daughter). I'm a single mom who also has had no dating life due to the accident and PTSD. I just started dating for the first time last month. It's really difficult to get out there and trust people again after traumas like what we've been through. I have been told there are special and trusting people and I still hold out hope that I can find that special person and I know you can too. Each of us can have lives worth living if we work at them. I believe that.

I am so very sorry for your situation but I sense you are a warrior and can move through this person battle and come out stronger than before. Even if you don't have the faith in yourself right now, I will hold it for you until you can hold it for yourself.
When I feel life really sucks I go to my breath and remember each new breath is a new beginning.

Breathe in positivity
Breathe out negativity

Breathe in happiness
Breathe out sadness

Breathe in peace
Breathe out anxiety

 

[outlawstar555]

You just have to keep digging and do all you can so this nightmare that is ptsd doesn't get to take anymore from you.

I don't believe there is more. All I can think of is a "better" way to die. I have no faith whatsoever in things improving. The only digging I can realistically think matters at all is (figuratively) digging my own grave, which is practically what I'm doing...
My PTSD and depression are "treatment resistant". My back doesn't ever stop hurting...
If things were only so simple as the old cartoons I used to love and a piano falls out of the sky to crush me.
There never was/has been/will be better times...
I was planning with my therapist of joining a group therapy in January, but I keep thinking, NOTHING EVER REALLY CHANGES.

 

[Friday]

There is a lie pain tells... It's going to be like this forever.

It's not.

There is a lie depression tells... It's always been like this.

Hasn't. Sometimes things have been better. Sometimes worse. But depression is static. It can't see past the exhaustion, the sameness. You even know it. A time before the accident. A time before cancer. 2/3s of your life.

I'm struggling with ideation, right now, too. All kinds of lies in my mind. But they're also old friends. Sigh. Friends with liars. Well, it keeps things interesting. I hurt. Everywhere. But I've had worse. So bad that the pain I'm in now would be the lap of luxury. And that pain? The worst pain? Said the same thing this pain does. That it will always be like that. So I've got proof of the lie. Only helps a little bit. That little but matters.

Everything is temporary.

 

[Chava]

My PTSD and depression are "treatment resistant". My back doesn't ever stop hurting...

I relate to a lot of this, feelings of hoping to just die or fade away, and also the feelings that nothing ever changes and never will. My current therapist has helped me with some of that because it's a strong and negative pattern of getting consumed by all time ("it's bad right now, I remember it's always been bad, and I'm sure it will always be terrible")...even if this isn't 100% truth I suppose it's partly self-protective. I do get tired of having good expectations and feeling stomped by my own life at times.

Anyway, for me it depends on being able to make NEW choices. Nothing will change if we keep doing the same things. I've been told, by a couple dumb-f*ck professionals, that I was actually treatment resistant, that the chances of me getting well with my combination of self-destruction symptoms were slim...one doctor told my parents to prepare to bury me. The deal is, I'm still here, and I still have moments of wanting to just die, but they are fewer. I researched and found a therapist that made sense for me, and other resources. Some forms of treatment really don't help some of us too far. What have you tried? I don't do well with CBT or talk therapy for very long...no major shifts happening there for me. My self-destruction and death wishes are almost gone. It really helps to have a trauma therapist who is body/somatic focused. I also have chronic pain that doesn't seem to quit. But most of the time I'm doing my life anyway...less meltdowns around the pain. I also have an option of working with a pain psychologist.

Have you seen a therapist who specializes in trauma? And/or one who does somatic work or works with pain psychology?

Like @FridayJones said, pain talks to us in terrible ways sometimes. My panic attacks and meltdowns have usually revolved around pain...I feel trapped and get stuck in all time (present, past, future...it's all bad and it's overwhelming, but it hurts to be present....working with staying embodied and working with pain response helps a lot...I don't have to choose between an impossibly painful present and no hope for the future...I can just deal with the current moment a little better and do things that help). I take some meds but also some herbal supplements that seem to help. The somatic work helps with reorganizing what has felt like an impossible body and impossible nervous system.

 

[outlawstar555]

I do CBT.
Christmas was not so easy a time... My therapist and I are planning on my trying a group therapy in next few weeks... Idk...

 

[Philippa]

Just read this now and I noticed it's dated from dec 30 2014. Just wondering if things have improved at all for you outlawstar555?

Depression, by it's very nature feels like a tunnel that cannot be escaped from...that there is nothing better beyond it's walls...but it's a lie.

 

[outlawstar555]

yes, no... I'm not sure... Anniversary of my injury approaching... Like a countdown. Constantly seems like everything in my life just went into free fall since...

New Cancer scare. Moles a little weird. Dermatologist appt waiting for pre-authorization. Had latest CT scan other day for doing my, I think it's called active surveillance but don't get to go over results with oncologist for a month...
I'm going between the usual depression/anxiety stuff plus anniversary of injury (I wish I could forget the date) and throw in health worries. And my psych meds are making me sweat (literally). A lot. Embarrassingly so