Artistic Self Destruction?

[Nam]

Back in high school, during what I call the dark ages, I drew a lot of surrealistic drawings that troubled many people. In my cavalier attitude, I just drew what the heck I wanted. Nudes, babies, trees, limbs, eye balls, and lots of openings: drawers, doors, portals. Went to college and graduated with an art degree. Then life took over. I had to make money, you know?

So now I'm in a position to get back into my art. I started with studies to really learn how to technically paint. It's been a few months now, with several paintings done, and I keep seeing these weirder ideas for drawings and paintings. This is so different than what I've been painting. When I put these ideas down on paper, I feel like a hole burns in me and everything is going to fall out. It's dreadful. A friend of mine who is an abstract artist, thinks that surrealism is my true genre. It might be. But it's like picking at a wound, poking around a bit, then let everyone else see it and poke around a bit. Very raw and it hurts.

You'd think then, that I could just stop. Don't draw that and do something else. My brain doesn't work that way. When I get an idea, if it's a really good one, I have to get it out of my head onto paper so I can think about something else. Something normal, like eating and showering.

So far, I've done one painting in 2004 that I destroyed. I couldn't bear to look at it so I hacked it up with a knife. I've just started drawing some preliminary sketches. And I'm scared I'll get worse ptsd symptoms. I'm afraid that it'll just open this box full of crap. And why paint all that ugly?

Are there any other artists that have put their traumas, ptsd journeys or the like in their work? How did it make you feel?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I am journal, my life in a book about My 'Journey', I find it very soothing to work through each trauma one at a time and find the right time slot, insert it into the chapter of the book in fits into.

I plan to publish later this year and use a percentage of it to get PTSD better known out there.

:hug:s and hope for your artistic release therapy :)

 

[ekane]

I think you should do your art with zero concern about the trauma/fears that it may bring up. Art is your nature and so art is your therapy. I am the same way. Do not be afraid either if you might tear up/burn/destroy another piece. THAT is PART of the art. It's performance art and physical therapy for you to do that. The way you are, no matter what you do, art is a part of your brain trying to process, and therefore it will lead to improvements overtime with your PTSD. One of my best projects last year was painting a murder scene. I am an abstract artist these days (unless I am drawing fashion sketches, and I consider that separate from my paintings). The way the murder scene came out was like this: I took a huge canvas outside and got in touch with the profound rage I feel for my abusers. The goal was to let myself really be as angry as I truly, deeply am, and then just let the paintbrush and paint do whatever it wants to do. I painted out the feelings. And the canvas I used was actually someone else's art -- I painted completely OVER it -- which my therapist pointed out was an additional act of violence I inflicted in the process = all good for my healing. I threw paint. I put on boxing gloves and punched paint into the canvas. I wrote endlines lines in paint with the most horrifying words to express the torture I wanted to inflict on my abusers. Then I sat with that painting for a few days to figure out what was next. So then came scraping paint across it. Long story short, I had no plan whatsoever, but I kid you not, when it was all done, it looked like a mountain range, with some trees near the shore of a large frozen lake. Under the lake, all the violence peaks out, through the layers. And that's how I knew I had painted, metaphorically, "the murder scene", a place where in my rage, I violently killed and drowned my abusers in a lake of ice, never to be found. All that to say I highly recommend you use art in your life as much as possible, no rules, no fears, just do whatever comes to you, and keep on going.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Do you have the opportunity to work with an art therapist who could perhaps help you to channel your creativity so that it is cathartic rather than destructive?

 

[Seagreen]

I was sketching daily for a while. Afterwards I would keep them for a few days and then burn them. The content was unsettling but it felt like something I needed to put down. Destroying the pictures was the only way get rid of the negitive feelings I associated with them. Maybe it is a processing thing?

Eventually I decided to draw a better outcome for myself. It was just as engaging and after that the upsetting drawings stopped. Im not sure why.

A therapist might be able to guide you through some kind of art therapy as Solara already suggested.

 

[Nam]

My doctor wants me to go back to my therapist. I've been slipping a little. I could feel it come on, hence why I started to come back to the forum after a very long time. My life is constantly changing with all the kids and stuff that comes with it, but the biggest change has been my art. Opening that part of me has been very hard for me to do in the past. I always had an excuse not to do it. No time, too messy, etc. With my youngest now in school, I feel the need to be productive in a way that I can contribute. But I'm quite scared at the possibility that I could digress. It would harm my family, and I'm not wanting to lose all that I've gained.

I'm trying to keep my focus on realism since that is a scientific, technical skill. There is not much creativity that goes into that. I still get to paint but I don't dive into the conceptual part of the art. Each painting takes me a long time to finish. There are conceptual drawings first, editing in photoshop, drawing the final, and then finally painting. It's like 20 hours at least. If I think about my trauma for 20 hours...while doing something I love....it just feels wrong. My anxiety always goes through the roof every time I put one of my paintings out there for the world to see. And that's for realism! I can't imagine what a basket case I will be once I put my own, personal paintings out there.

@Solara I have not thought about an art therapist. I know there is a college program for it in a town near here, so someone near has to be one in order to teach it. I will ask my therapist when I see her. Thank you for the suggestion.

@ekane Thank you for writing that! It resonated with me.

Art is your nature and so art is your therapy.

There is lots to work on here for me. Art was not something that was treasured or wanted in our family growing up. My parents were academics/teachers. Science, Math, and a little English was the most important subjects. Art, music, and drama were my favorite subjects. Finding value in my art is something I have to work on everyday. That it's not something that should only be done on special occasions. And that it's not all fun, but honest work.

For now, I'll keep sketching, sharing it with a few people that I trust, and see where it goes. Keep tab on my symptoms, and try to keep other stress levels down. Deep down, I know I can do this. It could really be great and fulfilling. But being a painter is not exactly stress free if you want to be successful, make a bit of money, and get into galleries. Fear is crippling.

 

[Ronin]

I've been thinking, is this really an issue of art though? It sounded to me art is more a medium that brings out feelings & coping mechanisms in the open, but this would happen if you had any other medium that allows you to dig that deep into yourself as well. Hence the primary issue to address not having anything to do with art itself, or the artistic process, more the fact you had to bottle up a lot and don't have emotionally safe outlet & way of working with it now.

 

[Chava]

If you're worried about it opening up stuff you can't actually handle or tipping you towards self destructive feelings, no I wouldn't call it therapeutic....but I do understand the desire to do art. I'd just either also be working with a very good trauma therapist, and ideally a creative one who will let you bring in images and talk about your art. OR a trauma therapist AND an art therapist of some sort.

I mainly paint abstractly (have done some mildly surreal things with bodies or heads on plants, but mostly just love lines and colors)....artwork really grounds me, even when I see some relationship to my disconnection....I've always used my art to ground me...the movement, the colors, the ability to express something that's jumbled up and I'm afraid someone will tell me is wrong. It's just mine. It's like I can see "me" when nobody else can and there is no other way to express or be heard. It's really important to express (though I am able to express lots of locked up joy and wonder that feels kind of lost, so that's fun to create and see). I wonder if you are trying to visually express trauma stuff you do not have words for or clear memories of...it could be very therapeutic and healing but would be safest and more potentially empowering, I'd think, if you could simultaneously work through some stuff in therapy too. ??

If you find you can get an idea out and feel better, and move on, that sounds helpful. But it sounds like you also think it could make your PTSD worse. So it's definitely worth finding a therapist who would be open to working with you or at least willing to talk about your art or any stuff that comes up. I've wrecked some of my stuff...sometimes felt as a way of wrecking my "self". But mostly I don't give up on my art...it's like the part of self I will honor. Even if a painting SUCKS, I just take a break and paint over it another day...chalk it up to a bad experiment or not being really connected for a moment in what I was doing. But it's so grounding and helpful that when it's not working well (like EVERY painting sucks) I can start to feel really lost, detached, and depressed. So I understand it can really go in any direction. Good to be aware of how it can be used for expression and as a tool discovering and honoring your deeper self.

 

[darrenS]

I had a similar situation with my work, i always painted normal things so to speak , nice watercolors , some surrealism , but nothing too biting. Over the last few years i have gone much more into abstract , at first it was more aesthetic than emotional , but now i let my creative spirits free and let them do what they want ...hence a lot more trauma comes out in different colors and forms and im ok with it. I do discipline myself to always have one "normal painting" in the folio or at least being worked on. Let it go and see what comes out...its not going to hurt you and with some allowance for letting it mature , you may be pleasantly surprised.

 

[Nam]

I've been thinking, is this really an issue of art though? It sounded to me art is more a medium that brings out feelings & coping mechanisms in the open...

You might be right. But I can't think of anything else coming close to where my mind goes when I paint. It's similar to a trance. Time zooms by unnoticed. I make sure my kids are safely in their beds before allowing myself to be free in this way, because I won't see or hear them.

Opening this door of creativity also allows my feelings to come to the surface whatever they may be. I don't feel like I bottle it up. I talk about it quite a bit, albeit only with one person. I just think that it's flirting unnecessarily with something put to rest. But the thought of not painting hurts even more.

My hubs thinks it's a combination of things. My youngest, who is a girl, is 4. At the age that my abuse started. I started to paint when she turned four. I had issues when my older girls were at that age. It explains the nightmares surrounding harming my youngest in a dream that I've been having lately.

I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I just need to see someone who understands the connection between art and childhood trauma. It may not be wise. Or it might be healing. Hard to say.

 

[Ronin]

Please don't apologize, it's your thread and your space.

I'm sorry for not having something more productive to say, in my own artistic processes the linking dots with trauma get conceptualized differently. I tend to see trauma for trauma and areas of life it spills over to as a different basket and not with the sort of link you seem to be talking about. That's alright, we're different people. I hope you find someone copacetic with how you feel about this whole able to help.

 

[reallydown]

I don't know if I'd call myself an artist but I do scribble and I know deep down that I should write that book but as things are now, I am too chicken to go there. Bits and pieces came out, in a very limited, very controlled way in a work I recently finished writing but that's not what I need to be doing...and yet I can't bring myself to. It does bring out more vulnerability and as things are I am still not comfortable being that vulnerable...I have no idea if any of this makes sense...So, no real words of wisdom here only to be gentle with yourself