I Will Never Be A Member Of The Relationship Club

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry if this sounds stupid but I'm frustrated.

So long/short, PTSD kicked in about 7 years ago. I pretty much lost everyone but my family. All of my activities became solitary because i wasn't going to sit around and have no fun just because i no longer had any friends.

I've had people come and go from my life, but nothing permanent. I don't have a core group of friends like it seems that everyone else has. (Read: Small town, everyone knows everyone else, and everyone has had their group of friends for.....FOREVER.)

I am at the point of reaching out, but it seems like no matter what, I am judged. I am judged because I don't have my own place. I am judged because i don't have a group of friends. I am judged because I am not very social. All of this judgment gets thrown at me and it makes me feel like retreating even more. (I am not simply mind reading, people do in fact make comments.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around all day doing nothing. I am back in school. i have a wide variety of interests. (But they are solitary, and who the hell would find them interesting?!?)

i get so frustrated. It feels like in order to "get" you must already "have".... (Story of my life, really.) But then I think if I must be a certain way, do I really want to have these relationships? That is, if I have to change all of these things about me in order for others to like me, then what is the point?

It all just feeds back into me not feeling/being good enough. Maybe I'm not really all that healed. Maybe I just need to retreat and be alone awhile longer until I'm able to handle all of the judgment. Maybe I'll never be ready and I'm just better off alone.

And I get frustrated because who wants to hear a whiny story about how I've been dealing with a debilitating stress disorder that has affected every aspect of my life when they can't even see it? (Even when at my worst, I was a master at hiding it all, so now that I'm not experiencing so many symptoms, who would believe that I have PTSD and that it is why I struggle so much?)

I feel like there is a normal people club that I will never be a member of. I feel like I will never be good enough.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I'm really upset so I'm going to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

 

[Kefira]

I hope tomorrow is better @itsKismet.

It honestly seems to be a total crap shoot. I've had times where I've had many friends, times where I've had no friends, and times where all my friends were dropping out of my life so fast I could keep track of it, or I kept meeting so many new and amazing people who seemed to actually like me my head was spinning. You know what didn't change too much through all of that? Me. I mean, I've made some improvement but I can say almost certainly that those fluctuations in my relationships and support network didn't have much to do with where I was at. And everything you said in your post makes so much sense from my experience in my own life. It can be so frustrating and lonely.

:hug:s if you'll accept them. I know it's not much help, but I just wanted to reach out and let you know somebody does care.

 

[Recovery4Me]

. (I am not simply mind reading, people do in fact make comments.)

You are having a hard day!!!:hug::hug: Yes, those as$hats were born with mouths! :clown: However, we say excellent comments to you...so there is an balance, yes? I happen to know for a fact there is a thread somewhere that someone started about things we love about ourselves....hmmm.

Please post a positive one and tag me, so I have to respond and be part of the team to ditch cognitive distortion too, ok? Sorry you hurt but you are part of this family...and that is sometimes quite awesome.:hug::hug: Glad you are here. Sleep well.