Relationship Long Distance Dating And Now He's Silent For Days

[Jenny8673]

Hello everyone - I recently met online a combat veteran sufferer with TBI and PTSD - He was in Iraq and Afghanistan with an elite unit. He's been retired a few years, he lives in Florida and I live in NY. I am 42 (Im never married) and he's 46 (divorced 2x and two girls from each marriage). He is the sweetest man i have ever met. I adore him to pieces. We haven't met in person yet, but he told me to come down and visit and we would see if it would work out and if so, I would relocate. My family has a home on the West Coast of Florida so that move has been a future plan of mine anyway (Even though he lives on the East Coast of Florida) we discussed in detail how we would make it work. I met him on Social Media about 8 weeks ago and we were talking every day and video chatting for hours on end. We spoke about me getting a ticket right after Christmas and being down in Florida with him for a week for New Years. The conversations have been amazing - he is sweet and has a really good heart. He told me right off the bat that he suffers from PTSD.The last thing we really spoke about was how he wasn't feeling very well, he gets chronic kidney stones. He talked about getting in someones face and being aggressive the day before to someone that was being disrespectful about Police Officers.That is a line crosser for him. He got very agitated during the discussion.Then he seemed to calm down, I told him that I would get the ticket this week ( this call was November 1st) He said yeah baby you do that, well have a great time here. We talked a little more and then last words were "Im going to bed now baby, night night muah Ill talk to you tomorrow" Well I have not heard from him at all. I have called him and he hasn't picked up the phone, hasn't answered video chat and has not returned a text. I have left him voice mails. (Not every day) I texted him a note basically saying that if he can only give friendship to me, that I understand and respect that, that i care very much for him and that he can tell me anything and I am not going anywhere. I don't scare off easily and no matter what he says to me i won't think differently of him, that He can tell me anything that he is comfortable with and Ill listen and I don't judge. I always want to be his friend no matter what. Please don't be scared to reach out to me and that I miss him to pieces. I sent him that in a text and also in Private Message on Facebook
He has been off Facebook for days - Yesterday I sent him a sweet note for Veterans Day with a post on his FB page along with two other people. He logged on FB today and liked another girls post on his page, and ignored mine. I can't even tell if he read the message that I sent. I know this sounds like a run on rant and I apologize.
I am very very concerned about him. Actually I am worried sick about him. I am not sure how else to let him know that I am here for him or reach out without being an annoyance to him or pushing him further away. I care about him and I truly want to be there for him. I miss him terribly. He is a wonderful man. I have never "dated" (he called it that) a person with PTSD before so I am not sure if this is normal. The insecure girl in me wonders if he met someone else and is just avoiding me ( Which is why I sent the note to let him off easily if that was the case and to always be friends) But I am reading more and more on PTSD and this sounds like normal behavior for all sufferers.
Its 11 Days and Counting since I have heard from my vet. Can anyone please give me some advice on how I should contact him, how often, what should I say? I don't want to make it worse but I want him to know that I am here for him.
What I really want to do is to hop on the next plane down to Florida but I know that would have the worst outcome ever.
thank you for your advice xo

 

[Sweetpea76]

At this point in time, I wouldn't contact him anymore. I'd give him a little time and let him make the next contact.

Best case scenario he is isolating. You've messaged him several times and several ways telling him you are there for him. Now it's time to give him the space he needs. Constantly contacting a sufferer who is isolating is not a good idea.

Worst case scenario, it's over and he is not going to contact you anymore. Sad to say, but a lot of people, even "healthy" ones, end things like a coward instead of giving their partners closure.

Either way, now is the time to decide what YOU want. This is a new relationship, and before you get anymore involved, you have to decide if you can handle isolation periods in a relationship. If you've only been together 8 weeks, and he's isolated for almost 2, is that a pattern that is fine with you? If so, you also need to decide if you are going to sit around and wait on him to contact you again, and if do, how long are you going to wait?

 

[Jenny8673]

Thank you for responding Sweet Pea. You're right the Best Case Scenario is that he comes back out of this. I Do hope that I hear from him, he really is very special to me and I care a great deal about him. I feel like I am abandoning him if I don't reach out, and I guess PTSD goes against the supporters natural instinct of trying to reach out and be nurturing. I saw on other postings that people are encouraged to keep reaching out to the sufferer every few days, but it seems that the advice is given to people in actual physical relationships and not really long distance ones. I am just worried sick about him and praying hat he's ok.

I should also add that my vet has had traumatic injuries during combat, head injuries and bodily injuries. He is in therapy and takes medication for his PTSD. He has sleep issues and anxiety. I am not trying to out his business, I am just trying to get some understanding about his condition. More than anything I want to help him and be there for him. I have a ton of love in my heart for him, even if he doesn't want to be romantically involved with me, I want to be part of his support system. He really made an impact on me.

 

[scout86]

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second.

How well do you actually KNOW this guy? A friend, who I met online, and I, used to joke about how we could each be an entirely different person in "real life" than the persona we projected online. In that case, it wasn't true, but it COULD be true. It's not hard to do online.

When you said he was in an "elite unit" a small red flag went up for me. Some people are/were really in elite units. But, if you're going to make up a story, you may as well make up a good one. And, if you're going to make up a story, the LAST thing you'd want is for the person to show up at your door and find out you've been lying. (Unless you're REALLY a narcissist or a psychopath, in which case you don't care.)

As a part of the "how long am I going to wait?" thing, you might want to ask "How do I know he's not making all this up?" And go with actual facts on that, not emotions.

 

[Jenny8673]

I'm going to play devil's advocate for a second.

How well do you actually KNOW this guy? A friend, who...

You do make a very good point. However, I do believe that he is telling the truth. Photos, conversation, his buddies comments, photos of where he was and who he fought with and I have seen his injuries.I have spoken to him on video chat so the man in thos photos and on video is the same guy. I don't doubt him at all.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet is physically disabled from combat too, and also has the PTSD and TBI combo. Everything exacerbates each other. The TBI can make symptoms of PTSD worse. Being in physical pain, or having mobility and accessibility issues cause stress, and stress is not PTSD's friend.

However it is good that he is being treated for his PTSD.

Have you heard from him yet?

 

[Jenny8673]

No , I haven't heard anything from him. This morning he actually posted a few things up on His Facebook page. Which he hasn't done in 2 weeks. Ofcourse I want to call him and hope he'll answer the phone. Not sure if I should do that or wait on him.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is isolating, it is a coping mechanism. He just plain cannot handle any more of life. He is busy trying to survive. If he is not responding, it is probably good to give him his space.

Keep in mind that social media is not life... It's an escape. Just because he posts on Facebook doesn't mean he is up to conversation.

Like I said before... Now is the time to decide how long you are going to put things on hold for him. You have to decide how long you're willing to sit around and wait for him with no contact. This is the first time he has stopped communicating. You have no idea if he isolates as a coping mechanism. What if he doesn't?

 

[Jenny8673]

I reached out to him again today. Short and sweet text. Asking if I said something to upset him. That I miss our friendship and talking and I'm here for him. He texted me right back that I didn't do anything and he was in the hospital (didn't specify how long) his phone upgraded and he lost contacts. I asked if he could Speak on the phone he said. Later tonight Bc he was driving to church. I don't know if he's embarrassed to let me know he was isolating or if he just lost interest. Or combo of both. Hospital I can believe it. But Losing contacts is an easy fix , especially with Facebook. So that I'm skeptical of.
Do vets with PTSD normally share that they isolate from time to time or not usually?

 

[Justmehere]

Some share, some do not. Some don't even understand the symptoms.

The losing contacts thing is a bit of BS if you are connected on Facebook and video chat - and most people have contacts backed up somewhere.

The hospital story could be it. It also could have been something like jail.

Talk to him, and trust but verify his story within reasonable limits, as you have been doing.

After I have isolated, I usually feel really awful about it and someone telling me that they are worried something they did made me isolate is usually the point at which I reconnect. It's hard on both sides.

Making plans about your trip out there along with other things might have been what filled up his stress cup.

If you do still plan to continue to date and visit him, be prepared for a back up plan if he isolated when you get out there.

I hope the talk goes well!

 

[Jenny8673]

Thank you so much for getting back to me and sharing. I don't want to call him out on the contacts BS Bc if he's too embarrassed to share I don't want to upset him, embarrass him or cause him more stress and trigger anything again. I truly do care for him.

 

[Sighs]

I agree with @scout86 - be a little skeptical of his story. Photos are easy to get online. Some odd human beings borrow what they see as glory from others. There is a name for people who pretend to be vets when they aren't but I can't remember it.

Having said that, lets then assume he is on the level. Its easy to manage a relationship that exists on the level of texts and emails. Social media is easy to deal with. Living human beings standing in front of you are not. Are you ok with the fact that this relationship may never progress?