General Sufferer's Symptoms Getting Worse, Frustrated And Hurt

[RecedingMoonlight]

I don't really know where to start or what to say other than I am so, so at a loss. I'm at the last of my ropes here. My sufferer is going through trauma therapy and I know that a lot of people say that it gets worse before it gets better. I understand that. But I just...don't...have time for her symptoms to get worse. I know it sounds stupid and awful of me to say but I am just so stressed out, hurt and scared.

I go to university, I have classes, exam weeks are piling up. I have so many essays to hand in and I barely understand the material for some classes. I am petrified of failing and coupled with the fact that my best friend is messaging me, telling me that she feels scared and suicidal and that she would rather die than be sent back to the hospital does not f*cking help. The fact that whenever I try to voice my stress that she blames herself and starts blaming herself for everything does not help.

I am just so, so distressed, frustrated and angry. I am scared of blowing a gasket on my sufferer. I don't want to worsen the situation.

Please, anyone have any advice? I just feel so trapped and cornered by life right now.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

I just get so terrified when she says that she feels suicidal because in September she nearly made an attempt and ever since then I've been paranoid. we are friends long distance, so I can't be there for her physically to help and it hurts. I just don't know how to stop feeling of fear that I might lose my best friend any second and I would never know.

 

[anonymous]

She is triangulating if she is communicating these alarming messages through a third party.

Don't hesitate to set up boundaries for yourself to focus on school. Not just with her, but any third parties talking about her mental health. Say something polite like "it would help me better support her if you didn't share this with me and I work it out with her directly." And then set boundaries with her directly. "I know you are in pain, and in order to be a support I need you to look into more help for what is going on for you." Before you contact me with sucidal thoughts I need you to contact your therapist first."

Her decline is not your fault and drowning with her won't help either of you. The more you set up boundaries, the more she will hopefully turn to the professional help in her life regarding her sucidal thoughts,

If she is a student then there are likely a lot of campus resources for her. There are also supports for you as well. Don't hesitate calling the crisis hotline as a supporter if/when you get scared for her or you just get overwhelmed. The student counseling center is another option as well for short term support for you so that you can better focus on school and handle this stress of her symptoms.

And always take space, if you can, even if the sufferer goes more downhill, if that's what needs to happen instead of busting a gasket with them.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

She is not communicating through a third party - she tells me these things directly through Skype messages or texting. I have already set a boundary regarding Skype calls - I told her throughout the week that I will not be able to call her or communicate by voice. This has saved me a lot of stress, since voice calls can cause a considerable ammount of stress on me (I have Asperger's Syndrome, so vocal comunication is not my forte).

She's on medical leave after her suicide attempt, so she's not anywhere near a school environment at the moment.

That's the thing about telling her to call therapists and doctors, however. She vocalizes to me that she feels people don't care and dump her on professionals when people can't 'handle her' and she has issues with people talking to her in a logical/rational voice. (This is due to the fact that her abusive father was always linear, rational sounding and cold, so any tone of that sort unsettles her) However, with me setting a clear boundary that I will not and cannot skype call her during these times might help her turn to professionals. I know she is struggling and disassociating, and her therapy is hard since they're helping her revisit traumas, but I'm hoping that in the end, things will be okay.

I know none of this is my fault, it really isn't. It's just...I hate feeling powerless in all this. I can only hope she gets the help she deserves. She doesn't deserve to be in this much pain.

 

[Sighs]

She doesn't deserve to be in this much pain.

She doesn't. But neither do you.

You cannot take on her burdens.

Hugs if you accept them.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I know you love your friend and want to help her... But this is all extremely codependent and unhealthy.

It's not good for either of you.

You said you hate feeling powerless... But you have to learn you ARE powerless. You can't help her. You can't fix her, keep her from committing suicide, or effect her mental health. That's all on HER.

Her suggesting you can is emotional blackmail and manipulation.

Look at this logically. You are not there, you are not a psychologist. You don't go to her appointments with her, and you aren't her medical proxy. I'm assuming all your info about her condition comes from her.

All you can do is be a friend.

A friend can be an ear. They can be supportive, but not medically or psychologically supportive. If her symptoms are worse, then that is not anything that you can fix. When my vet has symptoms all I can do is ride them out and not take anything personally... And I AM involved in his physical and mental health care appointments and treatments. There still is not shit I can do. It's not my fault or my responsibility. He has to manage his symptoms, and I have to manage the way I react to them.

If she is emotionally draining you and you can't deal with her symptoms, then don't. It's not your responsibility. You're not her therapist. Tell her you are emotionally exhausted and you just need some space. You still want to talk to her, but you don't want to have to listen to a barrage of woes and issues like you are her shrink. Find other things to talk about.

Does she listen to your problems? I'm willing to bet that's a solid no, because she can't handle them... and you respect that. Now it's her turn to respect that you need a break.

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

You're right. It is codependency, lots of it. I'm pushing myself to unlearn all of this. According to my sufferer, she has told her therapist how much she misses me all the time. I'm surprised that her therapist hasn't mentioned the possibility of codependency to her, although I'm not quite sure how much she tells her therapist anyway.

You're right. I don't deserve this crap. She's not my responsibility, but she doesn't have a good support group to turn to, so she runs to me. I guess the only thing I can enforce is to contact her therapist first, no matter how much she hates it when people say to contact professionals.

At least yesterday I did stand up to her and told her that the reason people keep telling her to talk to professionals and call hotlines is literally because they are not trained to professionally help her feel better, and they can only be there to offer support, not absorb her pain and suffering like a sponge. Don't think she was totally happy with that, but it did do something. She claimed she feels weak and unable to handle anything, did tell her that that she can handle and control her symptoms, despite her feeling that way. Not sure if it was the right thing, but it did assert space. (I really wish I could break off from her symptoms and talk about other things, but she gets extremely agitated when I do that. So I'll probably have to back off altogether if she starts.)

The next time she tries to dump woes on me I will tell her to call her therapists and to give me space. I want to help, but I can't do much. This is for her to journey on, I have my own stuff to deal with.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Honestly, you cant know what her therapist is telling her... you're just getting told the second hand version by your sufferer.

It's all balance.

When my vet needs an ear, I am an ear. I can listen all night long. He can vent, cry, wax poetic... whatever his heart desires. HOWEVER, I'm not his therapist. He realizes, that for my own mental health, I cannot listen to it constantly. I'm not trained to perform trauma therapy. I have a personal connection to him. When he is hurting, my heart breaks too. He has told me many many of his trauma stories, but he protects me from the most horrific ones. He says he wants me to stay innocent (haven't been accused of that in awhile ;)). I cannot hear him talk about his suicidal ideation much without getting upset.

Because he loves me, he respects my needs too.