Dom Violence A Gut Instinct - Self Doubt

[Nicolette]

Fair enough!

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's been a long time since I posted, but somewhat symbolic that my first post brings me back here.

Being a mother has really made me take a bloody hard look at myself, and challenge my beliefs and myself constantly.

Parenting hurts most days in a way that I am forcing pathways to be rewritten constantly.

Standing up for myself no longer requires anyone, I hold my own ground with reasonable force, occasionally bringing out the diamond in velvet fist, but that's rare.

I'm a lot more confident now, I've made some pretty big errors of judgement in some ways, and had to really backpedal and apologise profusely, but being able to do that is a symptom of strength in my book.

I used to live in fear of someone bringing up my past actions etc, and hate that person who I was and fear her. Now, I feel love, sadness and nurturing for her, and who I am now. I am learning quickly, and someone's inability to move past my past does not mean I've sat stagnant since the action they try to bring me down with.

If I know better, I try to do better, and learn to forgive what I fail in and cheer myself on for the next time I try.

Not being a hypocrite to my child is extremely important, and I hold myself accountable in all things.

I feel so sorry for the girl I used to be. The poor darling hadn't ever been taught to feel safe, secure, stable or loved. Mistakes are simply a flag that more education is required, not a failure as a person entirely.

It's nice to be back.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Today while thinking about this forum I wondered what sows the seeds of doubt within us; why we question...

Holy cow, your post sure as heck struck a cord with me. That is what I have done all of my adult life too. Accepted abuse, without recognizing it as such.
I did not allow myself either to trust my instinct. Wow, somehow your post really shows it clearly.
I am convinced that is still a leftover from my childhood too.

 

[RussH]

The garden of doubt was planted long ago in my psyche through abuse. Today completely unrelated events can happen that harvest the fruit of that garden, leaving me vulnerable and questioning my worth as a human.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Today while thinking about this forum I wondered what sows the seeds of doubt within us; why we question...

Yep, your post clearly shows what perpetrators are capable of and yes parents who abuse kids set them up for a lifetime of guilt, shame, and unrealistic expectations.

My father abused me and my mom and my brother mentally. When I tried to run away as a kid he caught me and physically restrained me from running again. That is a video that is permanent in my mind, with every frame that I can replay as I wish even though I was very young then.

Now my mom has passed and his abuse towards me is getting more and more clear. I see a very dangerous man in the old pictures of me and my father, a man who has been very obsessive towards the daughter that he raised. A dangerous and calculated man that simply ignored the health of my mom as well as my health. In those pictures I see a very sick man who abused a young child from very early on and who was able to hide this abuse by playing the doting father. He did this very often. After sexual abuse I had physical health challenges and my father would carry me everywhere to doctors who tried to heal me.

It is very strange to now know what he did. Very frightening too.