Relationship ADHD, CPTSD, and a broken relationship - looking for advice on learning about cPTSD, and hopefully getting her back.

[ADHDvantage]

Hi all
I'm new here, and I've joined to help better understand cPTSD. My ex-partner, with who I have a 4 year old child with, received her diagnosis after she left me, and is currently in therapy. After her diagnosis, I done some research which has honestly provided so much clarity regarding our past relationship and some of the difficulties we faced.

We were together for 5 years, 2.5 of which we were married. Our relationship was perfect, she was/is everything to me. Not just my wife, but my best friend too. We'd very rarely have any disputes. I was in a stable career, which I left to help fulfill her dream, and created a business together (making her happy, made me happier).

But, i believe the business had a massive impact on both of us, whereby we encountered challenges, one of which was a fatality.

Dur to the stresses of the business on our family, we decided to leave the business. It wasn't long after that she had started becoming distant. Then one night she stayed at her parents, as she is very close with her family, and I respect that. That I night I messaged her asking if everything was ok, and that I felt she had become distant. The next day, she had told me she was leaving as she felt lost and needed to find herself, and handed the notice in on our house a couple of days later. I have ADHD, which has it's benefits like pattern recognition, and sometimes overthinking etc, which led me to belive there was more to it, but this was all I was initially left with. A few weeks later, she then said that it's because I wasn't emotionally there for her, then a couple of weeks after that, she said that she had some time to think about it all, and that she was reflecting on to me, no longer in love with me, and couldn't see a future of us together because of this.

I was devestated, my whole world had just been ripped apart as the realisation of her not in my life hit me. Then she told me she was starting trauma therapy, where I then hyperfocused for days doing research, and came to the conclusion she may have cPTSD, which she then confirmed.

After hours of more overthinking, and hyperfocusing, learning about cPTSD, I now believe that it may of been a traumatic event during the business ownership that initially triggered something within her. This led to actions and behaviors that I completely misinterpreted at the time, and led to me having an adhd shutdown, whereby i became emotionally detached.

Her diagnosis, coming after our seperation has really shed some light on these past dynamics. Even though we have been seperate for 3 months now, I still have so much love and care for her, and I am wanting to further understand cPTSD better, and help in co parenting, and hopefully reconcilliation or help in my healing process.

I feel she recently made an achievment in her therapy, whereby she recognised her tendency to be a 'fixer' and realising the need to prioritise her own healing, which I am so proud of her for, as she would never of acknowledge this beforehand, or admitted. This makes so much sense to me as I often expressed concerns about her consistently putting others before herself during our relationship. It is hard watching her journey from a distance, yet I fully respect the boundaries she requires for her healing process, even if I don't understand them.

I too am also on my own journey of understanding my ADHD, as I was only diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 35. I find that the emotional aspects of this situation (particularly communication struggles and feelings of rejection) often feel amplified to me. I am actively working on managing my own emotional responses and creating healthy boundaries for myself.

So yeh, i'm here to learn and gain a real understanding of cPTSD, and am not trying to 'fix' her, but to try and understand her struggles, respect her boundaries, and ultimately, to better support myself and our child. I also hold hope that as we both individually heal, it might, just might, open a door to the chance of reconcilliation.


So my question is 'what do I need to do'?


Any help, advice, guidance, information would be really greatful. I just can't see my life without her, and it feels like this has all happened so quick.

 

[PamelaS]

Hi all
I'm new here, and I've joined to help better understand cPTSD. My ex-partner, with who I have a 4 year old child with, received her diagnosis after she left me, and is currently in therapy. After her diagnosis, I done some research which has honestly provided so much clarity regarding our past relationship and some of the difficulties we faced.

We were together for 5 years, 2.5 of which we were married. Our relationship was perfect, she was/is everything to me. Not just my wife, but my best friend too. We'd very rarely have any disputes. I was in a stable career, which I left to help fulfill her dream, and created a business together (making her happy, made me happier).

But, i believe the business had a massive impact on both of us, whereby we encountered challenges, one of which was a fatality.

Dur to the stresses of the business on our family, we decided to leave the business. It wasn't long after that she had started becoming distant. Then one night she stayed at her parents, as she is very close with her family, and I respect that. That I night I messaged her asking if everything was ok, and that I felt she had become distant. The next day, she had told me she was leaving as she felt lost and needed to find herself, and handed the notice in on our house a couple of days later. I have ADHD, which has it's benefits like pattern recognition, and sometimes overthinking etc, which led me to belive there was more to it, but this was all I was initially left with. A few weeks later, she then said that it's because I wasn't emotionally there for her, then a couple of weeks after that, she said that she had some time to think about it all, and that she was reflecting on to me, no longer in love with me, and couldn't see a future of us together because of this.

I was devestated, my whole world had just been ripped apart as the realisation of her not in my life hit me. Then she told me she was starting trauma therapy, where I then hyperfocused for days doing research, and came to the conclusion she may have cPTSD, which she then confirmed.

After hours of more overthinking, and hyperfocusing, learning about cPTSD, I now believe that it may of been a traumatic event during the business ownership that initially triggered something within her. This led to actions and behaviors that I completely misinterpreted at the time, and led to me having an adhd shutdown, whereby i became emotionally detached.

Her diagnosis, coming after our seperation has really shed some light on these past dynamics. Even though we have been seperate for 3 months now, I still have so much love and care for her, and I am wanting to further understand cPTSD better, and help in co parenting, and hopefully reconcilliation or help in my healing process.

I feel she recently made an achievment in her therapy, whereby she recognised her tendency to be a 'fixer' and realising the need to prioritise her own healing, which I am so proud of her for, as she would never of acknowledge this beforehand, or admitted. This makes so much sense to me as I often expressed concerns about her consistently putting others before herself during our relationship. It is hard watching her journey from a distance, yet I fully respect the boundaries she requires for her healing process, even if I don't understand them.

I too am also on my own journey of understanding my ADHD, as I was only diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 35. I find that the emotional aspects of this situation (particularly communication struggles and feelings of rejection) often feel amplified to me. I am actively working on managing my own emotional responses and creating healthy boundaries for myself.

So yeh, i'm here to learn and gain a real understanding of cPTSD, and am not trying to 'fix' her, but to try and understand her struggles, respect her boundaries, and ultimately, to better support myself and our child. I also hold hope that as we both individually heal, it might, just might, open a door to the chance of reconcilliation.


So my question is 'what do I need to do'?


Any help, advice, guidance, information would be really greatful. I just can't see my life without her, and it feels like this has all happened so quick.

Hi ADHDvantage, this forum was created for people who have PTSD or CPTSD. You will have to check with the people in charge regarding people who are trying to support people who are dealing with PTSD and CPTSD.

I’m relatively new here. I can relate to the symptoms that you described for ADHD. I am 63 years old and have never been diagnosed, however, in my training to become a teacher I learned about various conditions that make learning difficult. I discovered that I’m not only had ADHD but also dyslexia. I had to spend so much time in my dorm room trying to read the textbooks over and over and over until I could understand what I had read. It’s still a challenge. So is the ADHD and OCD and CPTSD. Many of us have multiple diagnoses. The only diagnosis I have is PTSD. But I know for sure the rest are true. They didn’t diagnose or make accommodations for people when I was growing up. I simply learned to find ways to work around the challenges that I faced with all of these conditions.

I’m sorry about your relationship challenge with your spouse. I have relationship challenges as well within an abusive husband. At the moment, I am safe, and I am doing everything in my power to keep it that way. I have invested two years creating boundaries and putting them in place in order to create safety for me. So, it is encouraging to me that you are respecting her boundaries, and creating boundaries for yourself to be protected.

From all of my experience, I have found that the best thing any of us can do is to work on ourselves. We cannot change another person. We are only responsible for ourselves. So I would recommend that you become the best version of yourself by investing time, energy and money learning about yourself and your needs and how to meet those needs, before considering reconciliation. My husband has desired reconciliation from the beginning, but he still has not demonstrated that he is capable of what is necessary in order for reconciliation to take place. Reconciliation only comes after trust is built, the trust that should’ve been there, but was broken. Another requirement for reconciliation is to take responsibility for the actions that caused the damage and make amends for any damage caused. Both parties have a responsibility to themselves and to each other. It requires both parties to take responsibility for what they have done, good and bad, to affect the other person. All of that is going to take time. So I encourage you to embrace patience, and perseverance in doing what it takes to take responsibility for yourself with the help of therapy and other supports. I wish you well moving forward in your own healing journey. That must be your primary focus for now. That is where the patience and perseverance comes in. If you truly desire reconciliation, then you will have to commit to doing what it takes in order to make it possible. Even so, it is possible that the other person does not want reconciliation. You’re relatively young. You have many years ahead of you. I encourage you to invest in yourself and into making changes in order to demonstrate that you are worthy for the other person to consider it. Thanks for reaching out.

 

[arfie]

hello ad. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

you gave me flashbacks to 1984 as i skimmed through your post, with wandering wonders if you could be my husband as he was way back then. is it good news that we worked through all that and are still together? it was often a rough ride, but we rode on through and are still riding. i am grateful to report that the ride has gotten much smoother.

i am wondering about that 4 year old. where is he/she in all this? in my own case, taking the focus off of the other adult and helping the children understand taught me more than all the psychobabble books i ever read, and that is A LOT of books. the little ones often see things adult eyes miss.

just wondering. i mostly wanted to welcome you to the forum. vent freely. vent often.

 

[Sweetpea76]

this forum was created for people who have PTSD or CPTSD. You will have to check with the people in charge regarding people who are trying to support people who are dealing with PTSD and CPTSD.

This is the supporter section of the forum.

Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

 

[Friday]

So my question is 'what do I need to do'?

As you’re no longer IN a relationship with them? Very little.

Zip zero nada zilch, if you didn’t share a child with them.

One key thing to know, speaking as someone who is both ADHD & has PTSD?

- ADHD is a very static disorder. You’re born with it, and it never goes away. So life very much becomes about finding ways to accentuate the strengths, and minimize the weaknesses. By the time most people hit their late teens to early 20’s? They’ve figured out ways to stop vexing other people to the degree that for decades people thought of it as a childhood disorder that we grow out of. We. Do. Not. <grin> We get creative.

- PTSD is a very CYCLIC & REACTIVE disorder. A person can be completely asymptomatic for days/weeks/months/years/decades. That’s the entire goal of trauma therapy for PTSD; asymptomatic, or near enough to make no never mind.

The difference between static and cyclic/reactive? Tends to be brain breaking… for people on BOTH sides. Because it is so opposite to their own experience. It tends to be pretty mind-melting for those of us with both, too! Especially as sometimes we can’t tell which disorder a thing/symtom/issue is coming from (sometimes, some things, are caused by both; one feeding into the other). But those of us with both? Don’t have the “that’s wrong” kneejerk of being told you can breathe underwater, or fly. Which is what people often experience when they’re hearing from the other camp. As there’s so much crossover & easy understanding, for parts of what is going on, and then “you’re lying, wrong, don’t know what you’re talking about” recoil from the parts that do NOT line up. Especially when it’s a shared symptom. But? Differently sourced.

So that one key thing??? Both being aware of that dissonance/disconnect… aaaaaand try not to fall face first, into it.

All disorders share symptoms, but both the cause AND solutions -as well as lived experience- can vary tremendously. The crossover can lull one into thinking they grok a thing, when they don’t. In both directions.

 

[ADHDvantage]

Hey parrothepolly, Hey parrothepolly, Hey parrotthepolly.
Thank you so much for your reply and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences.
Although I am diagnosed with ADHD, i most defenately have OCD, and since gaining insights into cPTSD.... i'm wondering now if I too may have it.
It's makes my situation feel more understood, when it's from someone who also understands these challenges, especially the undiagnosed struggles from earlier in life. I can also relate to your journey of learning to work around the issues. I grew up and was lead to believe that ADHD was an excuse for 'naughty kids', not knowing that I had ADHD myself (although I knew I was different somehow). Anyway, I grew up and learned coping mechanisms, and didn't think any more of it. The approx 9 years ago, I had a motorcycle accident, and things changed drastically. I suffered a severe head concussion (3months in hospital), and I though I had damaged my brain. Cut a story short, it turns out that the head injury had exhassibated the ADHD, which made the following years alot harder, but Since being diagnosed and medicated. I have come so far and learnt so much about myself, including the strengths of ADHD, and using it to my advantage (like hyperfocus, and resillience - learning cPTSD, and not giving up).
Having ADHD, I am finding it SO hard to respect her boundaries, and have my own, as I have so many questions to ask her, to understand her better, and for her to see things from my perspective, but I also know i wouldn't get the answers I'm looking for, as she will only dicuss things regarding our Son. If I message her anthing otherwise, she will very rarely respond, which leads me to feeling rejected, frustrated etc, but it's also an impulse that I have to fight. But It's encouraging to hear that my efforts are seen, especially from someone alike that has spent so much in creating safety through boundaries.
Your advice on reconciliation is very clear and realistic, and it's something I'm taking to heart, and your emphasis on self work first, building trust, and both parties taking responsibility does make complete sense. I always put my hand up when I am in the wrong, but one of the problem she has is taking responsibilty, can this be part of cPTSD?
It's tough to hear, but I know it's true and your experience gives a valuable roadmap. I understand that my own healing must be the primary focus, and it's what I am trying to continuebwith, but i'm just finding it hard with the realiasation that she may never want to reconcilliate, which hurts deeply.

Thank you so much for your time, advice, and insights, it genuinelly means alot!

 

[PamelaS]

This is the supporter section of the forum.

Sufferers: You MUST read this thread, prior to posting

Thank you very much for directing me to this thread. I apologize. I am not excusing my behavior, but I have not been on a good footing for quite some time, and I make mistakes. I am reading this thread and will do my best to follow it. This is the first time I have been involved with a forum such as this, and I am finding it challenging to figure it out. As I am directed by those of you in authority here (when I mess up), I do respect and appreciate the input and I try to modify and change what I’m doing. I’m not always successful, but I will do my best to follow the rules and respect the authority here. Thank you again for creating this forum to help all of us on both sides of this.

Hey parrothepolly, Hey parrothepolly, Hey parrotthepolly.
Thank you so much for your reply and I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences.
Although I am diagnosed with ADHD, i most defenately have OCD, and since gaining insights into cPTSD.... i'm wondering now if I too may have it.
It's makes my situation feel more understood, when it's from someone who also understands these challenges, especially the undiagnosed struggles from earlier in life. I can also relate to your journey of learning to work around the issues. I grew up and was lead to believe that ADHD was an excuse for 'naughty kids', not knowing that I had ADHD myself (although I knew I was different somehow). Anyway, I grew up and learned coping mechanisms, and didn't think any more of it. The approx 9 years ago, I had a motorcycle accident, and things changed drastically. I suffered a severe head concussion (3months in hospital), and I though I had damaged my brain. Cut a story short, it turns out that the head injury had exhassibated the ADHD, which made the following years alot harder, but Since being diagnosed and medicated. I have come so far and learnt so much about myself, including the strengths of ADHD, and using it to my advantage (like hyperfocus, and resillience - learning cPTSD, and not giving up).
Having ADHD, I am finding it SO hard to respect her boundaries, and have my own, as I have so many questions to ask her, to understand her better, and for her to see things from my perspective, but I also know i wouldn't get the answers I'm looking for, as she will only dicuss things regarding our Son. If I message her anthing otherwise, she will very rarely respond, which leads me to feeling rejected, frustrated etc, but it's also an impulse that I have to fight. But It's encouraging to hear that my efforts are seen, especially from someone alike that has spent so much in creating safety through boundaries.
Your advice on reconciliation is very clear and realistic, and it's something I'm taking to heart, and your emphasis on self work first, building trust, and both parties taking responsibility does make complete sense. I always put my hand up when I am in the wrong, but one of the problem she has is taking responsibilty, can this be part of cPTSD?
It's tough to hear, but I know it's true and your experience gives a valuable roadmap. I understand that my own healing must be the primary focus, and it's what I am trying to continuebwith, but i'm just finding it hard with the realiasation that she may never want to reconcilliate, which hurts deeply.

Thank you so much for your time, advice, and insights, it genuinelly means alot!

I can say that for the entire two years that it took to be safe, every single contact with my husband has been a trigger and has sent me spinning for days or weeks or months. I limited contact with him in order to survive. I could not live in constant triggered phase. But it took me two years for him to get it. He sent me a letter of apology for how he completely ignored every single one of my needs as his selfishly met his own needs to the detriment of his family. I knew the truth from the very day we took our vows. Driving out of the parking lot of the church he completely changed and showed me a side of himself that I had never seen, a monster. Professionals described his behavior as: pathological liar, batterer, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, predator.
I share all this to say that it shouldn’t take you two years to recognize ways that you have contributed to the pain of your wife, and to respect her boundaries. I am sure that you would not be described with all of these things. That’s a good thing. My greatest encouragement is that you honor the boundaries that she puts in place, because they are in place for a reason. They are in place in order to protect her from further harm.
Little by little, over time, I continued to limit access and tighten boundaries. It took many many months for him to learn that the only communication that I will allow is one weekly email with an attached letter. He is blocked on text and phone calls. But since we live in the same house on the same property (I am safely locked in a separate part of the house with my adult son) the weekly letters are necessary for communicating things that are upcoming that affect both of us. Otherwise, I would not even consider allowing him email access either. After two years and his letter of admission of how he has treated me for 21 years, and my very thorough, very detailed, and very long response to that admission, I have now finally achieved, physical and emotional safety. You cannot heal from PTSD until physical and emotional safety have been reached. For the first two years of living on this property, I lived in a nonstop state of triggering, similar to a combat veteran being sent back into the field. My only other choice was homelessness.
So, the greatest gift that you can give your wife is to allow her physical and emotional safety while she heals from whatever she is dealing with. Please respect her boundaries and deal with your own disappointments and issues with a therapist. Thank you very much for listening to the other side. We didn’t do this to ourselves, but we have to live with it and the results of it, and take responsibility for ourselves. It is not our responsibility to take responsibility for the other person. That is for them to choose to do or not. Choosing to be cooperative and respectful to your wife’s needs is absolutely the best thing you can do moving forward, because anything less than that would be driving a wider division between the two of you. Thank you again for listening and for responding to what I have shared. I continue to wish you well and I will pray for you and your wife and your son. You do have responsibility to your son, and you need to fulfill those responsibilities. By doing that you are helping both your son and your wife. The more you choose to make their lives easier, focusing less on your needs, and more on theirs, the higher the possibility will be for reconciliation.

 

[ADHDvantage]

I can say that for the entire two years that it took to be safe, every single contact with my husband has been a trigger and has sent me spinning for days or weeks or months. I limited contact with him in order to survive. I could not live in constant triggered phase. But it took me two years for him to get it. He sent me a letter of apology for how he completely ignored every single one of my needs as his selfishly met his own needs to the detriment of his family. I knew the truth from the very day we took our vows. Driving out of the parking lot of the church he completely changed and showed me a side of himself that I had never seen, a monster. Professionals described his behavior as: pathological liar, batterer, narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, predator.
I share all this to say that it shouldn’t take you two years to recognize ways that you have contributed to the pain of your wife, and to respect her boundaries. I am sure that you would not be described with all of these things. That’s a good thing. My greatest encouragement is that you honor the boundaries that she puts in place, because they are in place for a reason. They are in place in order to protect her from further harm.
Little by little, over time, I continued to limit access and tighten boundaries. It took many many months for him to learn that the only communication that I will allow is one weekly email with an attached letter. He is blocked on text and phone calls. But since we live in the same house on the same property (I am safely locked in a separate part of the house with my adult son) the weekly letters are necessary for communicating things that are upcoming that affect both of us. Otherwise, I would not even consider allowing him email access either. After two years and his letter of admission of how he has treated me for 21 years, and my very thorough, very detailed, and very long response to that admission, I have now finally achieved, physical and emotional safety. You cannot heal from PTSD until physical and emotional safety have been reached. For the first two years of living on this property, I lived in a nonstop state of triggering, similar to a combat veteran being sent back into the field. My only other choice was homelessness.
So, the greatest gift that you can give your wife is to allow her physical and emotional safety while she heals from whatever she is dealing with. Please respect her boundaries and deal with your own disappointments and issues with a therapist. Thank you very much for listening to the other side. We didn’t do this to ourselves, but we have to live with it and the results of it, and take responsibility for ourselves. It is not our responsibility to take responsibility for the other person. That is for them to choose to do or not. Choosing to be cooperative and respectful to your wife’s needs is absolutely the best thing you can do moving forward, because anything less than that would be driving a wider division between the two of you. Thank you again for listening and for responding to what I have shared. I continue to wish you well and I will pray for you and your wife and your son. You do have responsibility to your son, and you need to fulfill those responsibilities. By doing that you are helping both your son and your wife. The more you choose to make their lives easier, focusing less on your needs, and more on theirs, the higher the possibility will be for reconciliation.

Thankyou, and i'm sorry to hear your story... that must of been awful, and I can only imagine how you felt.
I think I know how I may of set her triggers off, and I have mesaged her deeply appologising for them, but i dont get a response to them, so i'm not too sure if i'm saying the wrong things, or if I am right in what i'm apologising for.
Like I said, i'll always put my hands up when I believe i'm in the wrong, and on this occasion.... I am, I wont deny that. As I have already said.... i wasn't there for her emotionally when she needed me (due to emotional attachment). I wasn't there for her financially for 3 months (after we left the business, I struggled to find work, and whatched her carry all the burdem). And thirdly, we was having an arguement (which was often rare), and I had a 'safe word' which would allow me time to regulate my emotions... and then come back and finish the discussion. On this one occasion, She continued after I said the safe word. I went to walk past her and she continued. I regrettably grabbed her chin (impulse), but immediately let go. This was the first time in my life I had EVER laid hands on a woman, and I am so ashamed and embarrased to admit this. Yes my ADHD had a part to play in this, but I wont blame the ADHD for it, and I take full ownership of my actions.
I just wish I knew what caused the cPTSD initially. Id also like to be aware of her triggers, so I can avoid triggering her..
Thanks again for your time

 

[PamelaS]

Thankyou, and i'm sorry to hear your story... that must of been awful, and I can only imagine how you felt.
I think I know how I may of set her triggers off, and I have mesaged her deeply appologising for them, but i dont get a response to them, so i'm not too sure if i'm saying the wrong things, or if I am right in what i'm apologising for.
Like I said, i'll always put my hands up when I believe i'm in the wrong, and on this occasion.... I am, I wont deny that. As I have already said.... i wasn't there for her emotionally when she needed me (due to emotional attachment). I wasn't there for her financially for 3 months (after we left the business, I struggled to find work, and whatched her carry all the burdem). And thirdly, we was having an arguement (which was often rare), and I had a 'safe word' which would allow me time to regulate my emotions... and then come back and finish the discussion. On this one occasion, She continued after I said the safe word. I went to walk past her and she continued. I regrettably grabbed her chin (impulse), but immediately let go. This was the first time in my life I had EVER laid hands on a woman, and I am so ashamed and embarrased to admit this. Yes my ADHD had a part to play in this, but I wont blame the ADHD for it, and I take full ownership of my actions.
I just wish I knew what caused the cPTSD initially. Id also like to be aware of her triggers, so I can avoid triggering her..
Thanks again for your time

Thank you for engaging in this conversation with me. Thank you for being open to try to see things from the other side. No one else can know what triggers a person unless they are told by that person. I’m sorry for the predicament that you are in, not being able to communicate. But I encourage you that if you’re not receiving response, not to continue sending messages. It may create more problems instead of solving situation as you would like. I can only speak from my own experience. When my husband sent the letter of apology to me, I went into a spiral for months. I knew the truth from day one, but he hid and lied about the truth for 21 years. I was disabled and responsible for three children. I could not just up and leave. He will never be given an opportunity to harm me again. It’s over now. The damage has been done. I will never reconcile with that man. I encourage you to move forward in your own healing and give your wife some space. If she will only speak about caring for your son, then respect her boundaries and only speak about caring for your son. Give her the time to do her own healing in a space that is safe for her. She needs physical and emotional safety in order to heal. I understand your frustration of wanting to communicate and not receiving responses, but continuing to send her communication will only make the situation worse if she does not feel safe. Please, for your sake for her sake and for your son’s sake, give your wife what she needs right now. You will have to put your own needs off to the side for now and prioritize, giving her what she needs. That is the definition of true love, a willingness to lay down your own life, your own desires, your own needs for the benefit of the one you love. Thank you for truthfully confessing what you have done. Doing that will benefit you in the long run. As I have said before your situation will require patience and perseverance, and there is no guarantee of reconciliation. However, if you truly love your wife and your child, you will do what they need right now as you look into your own issues and deal with them in order to become a better person. Each one of us has choices to make. Depending on those choices, our future can be better or worse. I will be praying that your future will be better, no matter what happens. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and for taking responsibility for your own behavior. That is a tremendous step in the right direction. Now take that truth and explore what caused you to react in the way that you did with a trained and licensed therapist. Not all therapists are good. I had to fire my last one. I’ve heard many people talk about firing their therapists here on the forum. You may have to go through a few therapists before you find one that is a good fit for you. Be patient in the process and don’t settle for anything less than a good fit for you with someone you can work with. I have been blessed by being matched up with a therapist, specializing in trauma, who is also a survivor of domestic violence. The bonus for me is that we share the same faith. She is a perfect match for me. I will be praying that you will find a perfect match in a therapist so that you can move forward into a better future. I have appreciate it very much this conversation. Thank you for your willingness to hear me out and your willingness to consider your part in the situation and take responsibility for it. By doing that, you have opened the door for a better future. Thank you for doing that. Feel free to reach out anytime. You have a friend in me.

 

[ADHDvantage]

Thank you for engaging in this conversation with me. Thank you for being open to try to see things from the other side. No one else can know what triggers a person unless they are told by that person. I’m sorry for the predicament that you are in, not being able to communicate. But I encourage you that if you’re not receiving response, not to continue sending messages. It may create more problems instead of solving situation as you would like. I can only speak from my own experience. When my husband sent the letter of apology to me, I went into a spiral for months. I knew the truth from day one, but he hid and lied about the truth for 21 years. I was disabled and responsible for three children. I could not just up and leave. He will never be given an opportunity to harm me again. It’s over now. The damage has been done. I will never reconcile with that man. I encourage you to move forward in your own healing and give your wife some space. If she will only speak about caring for your son, then respect her boundaries and only speak about caring for your son. Give her the time to do her own healing in a space that is safe for her. She needs physical and emotional safety in order to heal. I understand your frustration of wanting to communicate and not receiving responses, but continuing to send her communication will only make the situation worse if she does not feel safe. Please, for your sake for her sake and for your son’s sake, give your wife what she needs right now. You will have to put your own needs off to the side for now and prioritize, giving her what she needs. That is the definition of true love, a willingness to lay down your own life, your own desires, your own needs for the benefit of the one you love. Thank you for truthfully confessing what you have done. Doing that will benefit you in the long run. As I have said before your situation will require patience and perseverance, and there is no guarantee of reconciliation. However, if you truly love your wife and your child, you will do what they need right now as you look into your own issues and deal with them in order to become a better person. Each one of us has choices to make. Depending on those choices, our future can be better or worse. I will be praying that your future will be better, no matter what happens. Thank you for your honesty, your vulnerability, and for taking responsibility for your own behavior. That is a tremendous step in the right direction. Now take that truth and explore what caused you to react in the way that you did with a trained and licensed therapist. Not all therapists are good. I had to fire my last one. I’ve heard many people talk about firing their therapists here on the forum. You may have to go through a few therapists before you find one that is a good fit for you. Be patient in the process and don’t settle for anything less than a good fit for you with someone you can work with. I have been blessed by being matched up with a therapist, specializing in trauma, who is also a survivor of domestic violence. The bonus for me is that we share the same faith. She is a perfect match for me. I will be praying that you will find a perfect match in a therapist so that you can move forward into a better future. I have appreciate it very much this conversation. Thank you for your willingness to hear me out and your willingness to consider your part in the situation and take responsibility for it. By doing that, you have opened the door for a better future. Thank you for doing that. Feel free to reach out anytime. You have a friend in me.

Thankyou, and sorry I am only just responding. It's been 6 months now and i'm currently having healthy relationship therapy, which is giving me a massive insight.
Our co parenting is spot on, and can not fault it. However, i feel she blows so hot and cold and i'm starting to give up hope, although I also can't imagine a future without her

 

[Roland]

I'm so sorry at the loss of your relationship. I'm sure this was devastating for you.

My husband has ADHD and I have cPTSD. We've learned so much and gotten so far in managing the disconnects that happen. Sometimes I don't feel like he's there but guess what? I check out too. Funny, both ADHD and cPTSD can cause emotional distance. I've somehow gone from a place of disappearing and breaking down because I feel triggered that's he's emotionally abandoning me and doesn't love me- to going to him and telling him how I feel so he can be present with me and show me he's there for me. This example and many more.

I say this because ADHD and cPTSD are not insurmountable opposites that can't be worked through. Therapy works, I do EMDR. Self awareness and honest conversations. I understand that my husband checks out, gets engrossed in hobbies and may forget about anything else or not hear me unless I make eye contact.

BUT the key piece that seems to be missing is her wanting to work on her relationship with you. But it's great she's getting therapy and that co-parenting is working. I hope you find peace as you navigate this.