General Advice On How We Can Achieve A Fair Balance In The Relationship While He's Struggling

[still_i_rise]

Good to hear it! I wish you all the best in addressing your anxiety challenges. It's a rough combination when also trying to balance being a PTSD supporter. I sometimes struggle to keep my anxieties at bay too. Just wanted to shout out to you and remind you that you're not alone :)

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Sorry, I'm a bit late to this conversation!

You mentioned finding a new strategy for when you start living together, and I wanted say that hopefully you will find it easier.

I hated staying over at his and feeling like I was just 'there'. It felt like I should follow him around since I was, after all, there to be with him.

Now we live together, well obviously I'd be 'there' anyway. And if he wants to watch sport on TV I don't feel uncomfortable about going to the kitchen and baking, or reading my book in the bedroom, etc.

But if he wants me around while he does things, I have access to all of my stuff so can find something of my own to do. So we can do separate things, but be together - if that makes sense?

Good luck with the EMDR, let us know how you get on.

 

[holdenmonty]

I was just thinking about the fair balance and something that I have noticed that helps in my wife and my relationship is mutual respect. I have my :poop: days and she takes on a bit more than she usually does but even when I'm having a :poop: day I have to remind myself that she and the boys need me to be an active participant in whatever is going on and if the boys are stressing my wife out then I need to be able to suppress it and help out and then later when I'm able I talk to myself about what was going on and try to find the root cause of my :poop: day and use the different things that my T has taught me on challenging unhelpful thinking patterns so I don't suppress what is going on inside my head and never actually addressing it because I have learned the hard way that if you suppress and never address it then it's like it turns into poison and starts to kill me from the inside out.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks heaps for your input, @Purplemunchkin and @holdenmonty, much appreciated. Things have been going pretty well, especially since our chat about having 'equal billing' in the relationship. He does seem to really listen when I tell him how I'm feeling and what my wants/needs are in the relationship. I can see that he's doing his best to look after me without neglecting his own needs. Plus, he seems to be adjusting better to the new meds. One thing he discovered from his specialist earlier in the week is that the Seroquel (which he has now ceased taking) was also an analgesic - this is probably one of the reasons that he is experiencing more back pain since he went on to risperidone instead.

I can now see that we are both trying hard to meet the other's needs. We have both made compromises in the past week. That alone has helped me to relax a lot more. Our relationship is now feeling a lot less one-sided.

I agree with your comments about cohabiting, @Purplemunchkin. This 'transitional' period is a bit tricky sometimes for both of us. Because I'm essentially there to spend time with him, he feels guilty about taking time out or getting work done that needs doing, while I'm there. And conversely, I can't always do what I would normally do when I'm at home. But we do need to come up with a plan on how he can take space for himself without feeling guilty once I move in.

I am pretty close to being ready to move in, but he has already told me that he's planning to re-assess our living arrangements at the 12 month mark. And by re-assess, he means seeing how he's travelling with his meds and his symptoms. And that's fair enough, i told him that I don't want to move in before he's completely ready.

so I don't suppress what is going on inside my head and never actually addressing it because I have learned the hard way that if you suppress and never address it then it's like it turns into poison and starts to kill me from the inside out.

I completely agree with this statement. This is precisely why I'm working so hard on my own anxiety. It helps to come here and let all my feelings out. Hearing each of your perspectivies helps me to work through these feelings. I also tell my guy what's going on with me as well though (well, the highlights version anyway!), because he needs (and wants) to know when I'm struggling, just as I need to know when he is struggling too.

Thanks all!

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm so glad that things are getting better :D

 

[Love MyHusband]

I'm new here and just read this. My husband just got diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I'm not sure if I have GAD but I for sure have anxiety attacks. My hubby's symptoms (numbness, very little affection, etc.) definitely trigger my anxiety as well. That makes it more stressful because I don't wanna look crazy in front of him.. Then all the crazy thoughts go through my head about him leaving me because of all my crazy.

Sorry you are going through this too, but I'm glad I'm not alone.

 

[Wastinglight]

I'm new here and just read this. My husband just got diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I'm...

Hi @Love MyHusband. First of all - welcome to the forum! It's a very active and supportive community. I have found much solace and support here, and I hope you do too.

I agree, it always helps to know that you're not alone in this, especially when you are triggering each other!

I re-read my initial post on this thread this morning with great interest, and realised how far me and my guy have come since. Now three months on, our relationship is so much more stable now - we are definitely making progress! We are essentially living together now (as in, I still have a rental place, but we've only spent one night apart in the past few months, and we planning to make it a permanent arrangement in the near future), and with a lot of work, kindness and respect for each other, we are doing pretty well! We are finally learning to manage our respective conditions in a way that has minimal impact on the other person. So things can get better!

Do you have some support for yourself? Many supporters find that they benefit greatly from seeing their own therapist, even if they don't officially have an anxiety disorder themselves.

Thanks for posting, and if you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me.

 

[Love MyHusband]

Hi @Love MyHusband. First of all - welcome to the forum! It's a very active and...

I'm glad to hear that you and your guy are doing better now. Hopefully you guys can continue to grow together.

I definitely do think that I could use some therapy myself at this point. I was in therapy about 6 years ago for my anxiety and was put on Zoloft at the time. I went off Zoloft when I got pregnant with my daughter and the anxiety has been pretty much manageable until the recent situation with my husband's PTSD. That sets its off.. And pretty much anytime we have a disagreement (which has been rare).

Husband actually had his second therapy session today and she mentioned finding some support groups for me. I'm definitely going to look into that.

 

[Hope_N_Highwater]

I'm sorry you're feeling so frustrated and lonely and unappreciated :hug:
My husband has periods wh...

Very wise still_i_rise!

I just found this forum and FINALLY feel perhaps I won't stay ____ (crazy, angry, depressed, annoyed, hurt... fill in the blank!), after all, while dealing with my dh's PTSD symptoms for the last 3 years. I can learn from you all.

 

[dulcia]

Oh god, I'm turning into one of those horrible clingy, demanding girlfriends!

Personally, I've had a hard time determining clinginess vs. not having my needs. Make sure you understand that there is a difference :)