Anxious Because I'm Getting Closer To Reporting

[scout86]

mytai, My favorite coffee cup has a picture of John Wayne and the quote, "Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." I think you need to give yourself the credit you deserve for the courage you have, because it's plenty..

The advocacy group sounds very well organized and you sound like you've got things well in mind. (I know it's hard to keep everything in mind, once things start happening.) One step at a time, remember to breathe! We'll all be with you in spirit, you can count on that, no matter what happens.

Take care & good luck!

 

[mytai]

@Echo, If I start this process, I won't pull out. That's one thing about me. If I start something that is this hard, and this emotionally exhausting, I will go to the end or die trying. Which unfortunately the last one is a serious possibility if this doesn't end well. Ugh. This is not an easy decision, trying to find the balance of thinking it through enough and not thinking about it too much.

@scout86, thanks for your kind words. It's much appreciated.

 

[Ryn]

You are fantastically, unbelievably brave. <3

I'm so sorry for the whirlwind of pain and fear you are going through... I know I speak for all of us when I say I wish I could do more for you. Seriously, though, you are amazing. I am praying for you and that this process would take no more time and stress than it needs to, and that this bastard is locked away so you can finally start to feel safe again.

Keep your sweet doggie close and take lots and lots of extra time to care for yourself. :) You deserve it. We are here for you!

 

[Echo]

@mytai, I can see from what you write that you are one tough lady. Your determination to make life better for yourself shines through and you have the benefit of a good, clear-thinking brain.

I really do understand the anxiety you are going through. I am about to do something similar to you. At this stage it won't involve the police because I have no evidence (that I understand to be evidence, at least). However, I am about to write to my parents, who were my abusers, and give them my diagnosis, lay it out very clearly what my symptoms are and make it completely plain to them that my body remembers everything that was done to it. I know that this will precipate a campaign of vileness, particularly from my mother, and that they will have the ability and motivation to attempt to trash my reputation and relationships with many people. When I can think as an adult, I realise I will actually have power over them, because they will not know whether or when I might go to the police, or conversely, trash their lives (I have no intention of doing so). However, I am fighting the overwhelming terror that I felt as a child and evidently still feel, with all the attendant behaviours that I learnt to survive then.

I am completely stuck at this point and cannot move on with my healing or letting my trauma out to be processed. I know I have to do this, just to create some space away from family pressures and the usual intense manipulations that my mother continues to use on all of us. I am trying to see it as a way of reclaiming my power by speaking my truth. It feels like I am trying to place the responsibility for the abuse back where it belongs and no longer be in any way complicit in it by being silent, which allows my parents to live a charmed life meanwhile. I don't expect anything positive from my parents, no reconciliation or apologies, which would be pretty meaningless to me, to be honest. I just want peace and the chance to live my life my way.

However, I am so tense and rigid that it is causing my ribs and shoulder to dislocate and my sleeping is out of the window or disturbed by nightmares of the past and my fears of future outcomes.

I guess we both know that taking these first steps is just the start. We still have to work on all the internalised damage and trauma. I'm just trying to take it step-by-step and plan, taking other people's advice and consulting professionals, such as my trauma therapist who has helped me word a letter. I am now dealing with the what-ifs and all the devious possibilities that my parents might employ. So I am no expert, but I think your way of dealing with things is really sensible. I give myself the option to pull out, if, in the end, it looks as if it will put me in more danger. That was all I was meaning in your case.

I feel we will set ourselves free. It might be messy on the way there, but I am sure we are gaining our confidence and power by doing this and we will end up being in control of our own lives in a way we have probably neither of us ever known.

I wish you all the luck and support in the world. If you've got any spare, perhaps you'd send some my way, too!!:)

 

[mytai]

@Echo, my problem is, is that once I start the process and make the report, I've already put myself in danger - that's why I say that if I start I will finish.

I wish my brain was a good, and clear-thinking as it comes across. A lot of these thoughts and words are because I spoke with professionals, and if I hadn't my thoughts would be as jumbled as when I talk to them.

I understand the sleep troubles. I took a break from taking the clonozapam they gave me for sleep because it effects your memory. But since doing that I haven't been sleeping most of the night again. I gave in last night and needed a restful (as restful as a nightmare filled night can be) sleep to handle today. I have 3 appointments today, and going in tired would make it even more difficult emotionally for me.

I too don't expect an apology, and like you said, it's not like it fixes anything. My hope in this is that he gets charged and serves time for the abuse he caused me and at least 3 other family members. I don't care about receiving money, or an apology because that fixes nothing. It would be dirty money anyways, the only use for it would be to pay for therapy, the only thing that would feel ok using it for. Otherwise I would feel like he owns more than just me in my life.

We can walk through this together and support each other. Our walks are different but the feelings are the same.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I don't know the system in your country, but it seems wrong to me that you have to put yourself in danger by making a report. I don't see why your abuser should know anything about it, if the police and courts don't consider it a viable case. I realise that once it goes to court, it is a different matter, but hopefully that would only happen once all concerned feel it has a great chance of succeeding. I can really appreciate this will be the scariest thing for you to have to do.

You do come across as clear-thinking. Maybe writing things down for us on the forum clarifies things for you. I know it helps me to talk and write. New aspects do come to light that way.

Yes, sleep is essential even if it is only partial. I don't have meds, but I use various herbal things which really knock me out. I am such a lightweight where meds are concerned and I had a very bad experience with them just after I was raped when I was 20, so I will avoid them unless absolutely necessary.

I feel the same way about money as you. Unless my parents were to come clean and acknowledge what they did, I would see it as an attempt at blackmailing me into silence. So even if they do decide to try to send me any, it'll be sent right back. It would be great to have some kind of compensation that might pay for the therapy and all the years of lost time, but I don't think that'll ever be the case for me. I hope, if you want it, that it works out for you.

 

[mytai]

I had the three appointments today. It was hard.

First appointment was with the social worker, it went ok. Second appointment was the psych doc, I asked about getting an official diagnosis, but he said he needed my chart and didn't have it so to call the office tomorrow. I'm stressed out.

My last appointment was with my T, we talked about my fears about reporting, we talked about outcomes, we talked about what incident I plan on reporting. When I mentioned to her that I have a very detailed memory of something that happened as a kid she asked if I could talk about it with her. She said that sometimes by talking it through first before I go to the police it can make it go smoother when I do report to the police. I talked as much as I could about it, but then I started to get dizzy and nauseas, so we stopped. I managed to stay present the entire time at least. It helped having Chelsea my dog lying next to me on the floor, I kept my hand on her the entire time.

We talked about group therapy, my T is going to let me know when she has another group starting.

 

[scout86]

That sounds like a hard, but productive day. Glad to hear it went pretty well! I don't suppose Chelsea can go along when you talk to the police...... At least you'll have her waiting for you when you get home.

Anyway, congratulations on making it through the day! I know it's not a small thing.

 

[mytai]

@scout86, unfortunately not. I can't bring Chelsea with me to report. With the first report though I can have someone in the room with me, so I am going to ask the volunteer that I meet tomorrow if she is willing to do that. The second interview with the police when they video tape it I can't have anyone present. Maybe I can talk them into letting me have Chelsea with me for that one.

It was a hard day, but yes, a productive day. I have never spoken about this memory I will be reporting to anyone before. It was hard, but I trust my T a lot, and I did it without dissociating. We stopped when I started to get dizzy while talking, trying to stay present even if it means only talking about it in chunks. My T also didn't make me feel bad for getting nauseas. She said sometimes we carry the "garbage" in our stomachs and our bodies way of releasing it is through nausea or in some cases throwing up. She said when she was in therapy she threw up for 3 months of it. So she said she won't try and stop any of her clients from throwing up if that's what is happening to them. It's like our body's way of purging all the negative things we've taken on because of the abuse.

It was kind of funny.. Chelsea slept beside me the majority of the time when I was at therapy, but when I started to feel extremely anxious, or when I felt dizzy and nauseas, she woke up and looked right at me. That made me remember to breathe and focus on her needs for a minute so I could come down without dissociating. I had to pet her, and give her affection, and in turn I was able to get past the feeling of needing to dissociate.