Other Being An Actor With Cptsd. Can I Do It?

[CDKLaw]

I have recently got into paid acting work. It's realising a lifetime dream. I am extremely lucky as I never thought I would be good enough to get professional contracts alongside real actors. I got a contract for the October period playing a character in the top scare event for Halloween. Speaking roles were hard to come by and I was given the highest profile role. This job involved me living in a house with other actors I didn't know who all knew each other. I am a fairly reclusive person, used to my own space in a big house with my wife. I ended up in a three bedroom house with 15 people. It was hell. I couldn't sleep. I felt excluded and ignored as all the actors discussed their achievements. I started to feel ill with anxiety going to work. I had to perform to press and camera teams as well as hundreds of people a day. The only time I felt good was in character. But each day was like torture with negative emotions and anxiety. I felt trapped. I came home for break but haven't gone back to work. I know I'm missing a huge opportunity but the job made me ill. I was working in the dark with loud noises and screams everywhere. My director wanted me to do sick things to people. The whole thing was like full of triggers. I am a really jumpy person and I ended up feeling horrible even though I was scaring others. I know I should go back but I don't want to. In a few weeks, I have another contract that involves me being away for 6 weeks. What if the actors make me feel miserable? Am I incapable to be an actor with CPTSD?

 

[heyheyhey]

Hi CDKLaw, first - congrats on the role!! But I'm s sorry that it was such a hard experience :(!! I can't image! I start to feel bad if I am with people for a whole weekend so can't image how that must have felt...

Is there anyway that you can accommodate for your needs? Maybe try and get your own accommodation and say it is for health reasons? Hopefully someone else will be able to give better advice. Maybe try calling a mental health advice line, like Anxiety UK? They might have some good advice on how to manage this :).

 

[joeylittle]

In a few weeks, I have another contract that involves me being away for 6 weeks.

Is this another haunt job?

 

[Mytime]

No! I don't think your incapable. You got the jobs because your a good actor. Maybe doing a scary one isn't for you and that's ok. Living with people you don't know and feeling uncomfortable is understandable. I don't think it all PTSD but just normal. You are were you are, because of hard work. Now the work is, not letting PTSD take it away from you. You can do!

 

[CDKLaw]

Thanks so much for replying. I am really agonising over this and I just need advice from people who actually have similar conditions because my wife doesn't get it. Basically, I do have to stay in shared accommodation. I wouldn't make any money if I had to pay out for accommodation. Also, the area is quite remote so no cheap B and Bs. I just want so much to get over my discomfort of other people. I even find it difficult to be with my mother or brother for more than a day. I don't really even have any friends-through choice. I didn't used to be like this in the past but life just became more and more terrifying. I find it difficult to sometimes like people unless they have very specific characteristics. It's quite intolerant but that's just the way I feel. When I am around others, I find it difficult to know whether I am wearing a mask or not. I act in life. I pretend all the time because if people knew what I was thinking they would be hurt and I hate to hurt others even if I hate them. It's so strange. There's probably not much else you can do to advise me but I thought I'd try to explain. I am just feeling so pathetic and bad about myself. I should be at work right now. They're expecting me back for the last part of the season but I don't want to go.

 

[CDKLaw]

Is this another haunt job?

No it's not. It is more like pantomime. Do you have pantomime in USA? Do you know the Polar Express film?

 

[CDKLaw]

No! I don't think your incapable. You got the jobs because your a good actor. Maybe doing a scary one i...

Thank you. I do feel as if maybe the scary one was not too good for me. Next job is singing and dancing for children in Christmas event. It sounds happy. The job sounds great but what if the other actors make me feel bad again and I want to escape?

 

[hodge]

Hang in there, @CDKLaw. It sounds like your next gig will be much easier. Don't let the others get you down. You are good at what you do, otherwise you wouldn't have gotten these gigs. Just hang in there and post here as you need support. We're all pretty good at that :)

 

[Mytime]

As far as going back to the scary job.
Ask yourself, am I letting myself down and will I beat myself up for not finishing. Will it make me feel worse about my abilities as an actor.
If you answer yes, then ask yourself.
How much longer do I have there?
Can I ground myself, to help make it through?
What can I do, to give me the space and quit I need, to work through my anxiety?
Most of all, what self care can I do, to help me live my dream?

 

[CDKLaw]

As far as going back to the scary job.
Ask yourself, am I letting myself down and will I beat myself u...

Thanks for the advising questions. In some ways, I think going back is what I 'should' do because the outside world would see me as weak for not going back. In some ways, I think going back is reckless to my health and that, if I just don't go back I can concentrate on getting myself mentally fit for my next contract next month. When I imagine being back there, I feel physically sick. I can't stop feeling guilt though and my wife and I have argued a lot about it.
In terms of being an actor, the feedback was very good about my performances so I don't think this is about my ability to act. It's more like my ability to handle the other things around acting. For example, if I was really rich I would just have someone drive me to and from work and stay alone in a hotel at nights. But I'm not wealthy so it's not possible.

 

[joeylittle]

Do you have pantomime in USA?

We don't, but I'm very familiar with it. And I think it will (obviously) help you avoid many of the built-in stressors that were part of doing the haunt.

It's more like my ability to handle the other things around acting.

This is a true thing. And what you might want to do, on this next job, is try and figure out who else in the house doesn't like living in cramped quarters. You might be able to make a good friend that way.

The journeyman side of acting can be very draining. Developing a routine for yourself that addresses the major problems with help a great deal. Get some noise-cancelling headphones, or comfortable ear-plugs, and practice sleeping with them. Make sure you're getting out of the housing a decent amount of time during the day, and also make sure you're getting enough physical activity to help you sleep (I'd expect doing panto will tire you out a bit, at least).

Find the people in the group who seem to feel like outsiders as well. It's very rare that there aren't a few. I think the haunt could have been an exception, because that's a really specific kind of work that draws a specific kind of person, and it's a little closer to cosplay in some peoples minds (at least, that's how it is in the US). But a straight-up holiday show is just that - a holiday show. In other words, it might not be as bad.

Is this the life you want long term? Probably not. But while you're getting started, and seeing how things go, you may need to do this a few more times. remember that it's not forever.

 

[CDKLaw]

We don't, but I'm very familiar with it. And I think it will (obviously) help you avoid many of the...

Thank you so much. Maybe you are right. The scare acting did bring out the worst, most sadistic sides in people. And you are right that I did find a couple of people who didn't make me feel bad. I spend a lot of time walking for an escape and I think that's good for me. I would not want to be doing this long-term as I want to be a voice actor but you certainly need to pay your dues first. I'm trying to make enough to pay for drama school auditions. I just love acting so much. It's freeing to not be yourself. As a child, I learned to act at home to keep me safe so when I'm acting I feel safer. I also like getting to do a job that is a bit like still getting to be a child. My childhood got ripped away pretty quickly so I am very lucky to still get to play. Thank you again for all your advice and supportive comments. I actually feel a little better about it for the first time in weeks.