Body Image Issues...

[J_trustno1]

I don't know if I have shared this part in detail before but here it is now.

Today I went to the mall to get myself some dresses or tops because this summer isn't ending this year. It's one of the hottest summer here in NZ and my skin was suffering at work because I wore pants and a top that made me stuff in a closed building. Sadly, our office has no windows and the AC isn't working properly since last week and they are trying to fix it but haven't dealt with it properly. My skin is very sensitive, I get heat rashes, sun burns, allergic reactions to pets, allergic to harsh soaps or hand-washing liquids and what not. Due to this heat I ended up getting heat rash on my first day at work because I was wearing long sleeved top thinking that it was my first day at work and I need to be formal formal. However, I also wear dresses but they unfortunately are short sleeved or one/two odd sleeve-less.

Anyway, let's get back to the topic. Today I went to the mall to get some dresses because the heat at work due to no AC or no windows open was killing my skin. So I bought 3 dresses but they cost me :(. I am very specific about what I wear because things have to look good on for my body type. So I asked one of the staff to assist me and help me with my decision making. I wore some of the sleeveless dresses but my stretch marks on my upper arms were showing because I used to be overweight 8 years ago + I have this skin condition called Keratosis Polaris (genetics) where your body overproduces keratin and you get that ugly red layer on your arms, back of your thighs/ass (sorry for too much info). All my life I wore shirts that had sleeves that covered my upper arms so no one could see my imperfection or judge me like my mum's sisters/brother-in-laws/brother or my father. I used to wear jackets in summer because of my skin imperfection + stretch marks.

The lady who was helping me was very nice. She brought many dresses for me to choose from and some of the dresses obviously didn't look good. When I this one type of dress where it has elastic just below your burst it made my chest look bigger which she pointed out. Obviously it will because women in my mum's side have bigger burst. So she told me to avoid that (I'm size 34D :(, sorry for too much info). So also told me to avoid wearing sleeveless because of my body shape. She was right on that one too because my upper arms are still a bit chubby due to being overweight plus they have stretch marks.

She was helpful but what I got out of the entire thing is that will I be accepted by my future spouse because I have stretch marks on my belly, arms, back of my knees. Are relationships or being accepted in society requires you to be perfect? I know that she never said anything to me nor she was intending. She was running around looking for cloths for me and she had a wide smile on her face. She called me "mam" the entire time although she was probably my age. I felt that she was just too nice. I have nothing against her. It's just I've had body issues while growing up and always felt that I'll never be accepted by my future partner. I was even planning to do skin needling at a cosmetic clinic for my stretch marks but it'll cost me a fortune. I was looking into microdermibation for Keratosis polaris. Again the costs are too high. I do see a lot of girls at work having this keratosis polaris but stretch marks make everything look ugly.

I'm sorry for having such body image but I suffered with a lot of issues growing up. Was compared to bollywood actress at 13 by mum's sister, I was stupid enough to give up food for 2 years, lost 12 kgs in 3 months . Then after starting to eat at 15 because my biology teacher was telling us about anorexia and told me to stop giving up on food. When I started eating at 15, I gained like 22 kgs in 4-5 months because I didn't what foods were right or wrong. That is where my stretch marks evolved from. Now they are giving me issues.

Your suggestion are welcomed. I know that any wise person would say that you shouldn't give a F*** about what others say. Yes, you are right. That is the reason why I relapsed into depression in 2013 because I was sick of wearing black pants + black tops + black jackets even in summer. I had huge issues with my body image. I only started buying dresses last year and I'm very new to this entire being feminine thing. Yes, I love being a lady and I want to be lady like but how do I deal with my issues?

 

[Senecia]

Im employed as a cashier, and the season has been really slow lately so I havent worked for a while. But during the summer, I saw all sorts of people. Heavy people, light people, cheetah print pants, slit t shirts. Whatever it was, I saw it.
I was so concerned with making everyone have a great day, that I saw everyone as a beautiful human being. Didnt matter if they were bald or had psoriasis, they were a great person and they should smile today.
I rarely noticed anything unless they mentioned it. Though i have a hard time with interacting with the public most of the time, it comforted me to know that I didnt notice what others said bothered them. Occasionally I'll have this massive zit pop up, and Ill be really obsessive over it, and again, my SO wont even notice.

I dont know if that helps at all. In my eyes, you were born with skin that just needs a little extra TLC. Not anything bad. I think that even just by buying a dress you like the appearance of, completely disregarding stretchmarks, redness, etc., will do wonders. Pretty things feel good, ya know?

 

[ms spock]

This is all going back to depressive rumination @J_trustno1 so look at that David Burns book challenging those distorted cognitions.

One thing to remember is most people don't notice much about other people. I was out with someone recently and they said that they were all spotty and pimply and I said no you are not, and they pointed them out to me. They were so small I didn't notice. The thing is most people are so obsessed about their own lives that they don't really notice what anyone else is doing or looking.

Some serious self care and self compassion is in order here as well. Ease up on your self J.

 

[Anarchy]

Subjective male opinion
I had one gf (later fiancee) who had lots of prominant stretch marks. I saw it as a feature rather than a flaw, the pattern accentuated her shape, it was like a decoration.

I spent some time in Angola few years back. There were literaly hundreds of (IMO) absolutely stunning women who I bet could have made a living as catwalk models in Europe, America and down under.

Guess what?

The local guys generally didn't rate them, most of the local guys lusted after girls with more to get hold of - lots more to get hold of...

It's subjective. beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.

To add to what @Ms Spock has already written about depressive rumination. Can I add that however current the criticisms of your appearance from your teens might feel when you are flashing back, they are in the past, they were certain people's words, and were very possibly more intended to hurt you than as that person's actual appraisal of you.

I know it is difficult to do when you are flashing back to bad events in the past, but try to remind yourself that it is in the past, that those were nasty spiteful comments by nasty spiteful people, and are neither relevant to now, nor how other people appraise you.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Hi there. First off, I hear you, understand and can totally relate to what you have written. I also hear and understand what others have told you about faulty cognition doing a number on you. What I will add is that from what you've written, I gather that you have an eating disorder and that you have suffered for some time due to this addiction. Thus, I would ask you to look seriously at what thoughts/feelings are driving your distress and obsession with your need to please others, to look "perfect" in someone else's eyes and to be "acceptable" to the world. In so doing, I believe you will begin the process of understanding, acceptance, and healing. If you have a therapist, this is something to definitely work on with him/her.

If you are still restricting and anorexic, please get help for yourself now.

There is a saying that involves the following which I always think about it when I'm face down looking up at ED - " If not now, then when. If not me, then who." I can't remember who said it, but these few words remind me that I am responsible for my own recovery. :hug: VB

 

[J_trustno1]

@VioletButterfly : Thanks for your kind post. I stopped giving shit to them about 9 years ago. When I first lost all that weight (i.e. from 13-15 yrs of age), they laughed at me calling me anorexic and old because I had wrinkles starting to appear on my skin due to lack of nutrition. When I gained weight from 15 yrs of age on wards, they laughed again calling me obese, made fun of my stretch mark and my own father gave me names for my height being little.

I had several failed attempts at losing weight from 16-18 because exercise is HARD when you hated it from childhood and you are starting it all of a sudden. My own bastard father said to me, "do whatever you want, you can never lose your weight" when I was trying to go for runs outside and on treadmill at home.

Then I went tertiary Institute at 19 for engineering where there were lots pf Indian guys and one Arab. That Arab guy told me to "marry his father and be his second mother because you are fat enough to be my mother". He was 24 himself. One of the Indian guys told me to join the gym because my face looked okay but my body.

I joined the gym at 19, but that was for MYSELF AND MY HEALTH. My health was suffering because I used to have vad stomach cramps, indigestion and used get cold so often. I visited doctors every fortnight if not every week.

I worked really hard at the gym, lost 18 kgs in about a year and half. I was a lot healthier, my visits to the doctor were now minimal. The funny thing is that the Indian guy asked if I lost the weight for a bf and when I replied ,"no", then he told me that I should've told him so he could've asked me out because I NOW LOOK GOOD!!huh!!! Son of a bitch!! The arab guy was now complaining that I am "too skinny". ASSHOLE!!! My bastard father was now pleased to see my effort and was telling me to quit my bachelor of science degree and go to police because I was fit now and acceptable. Oh and this was told to him by my mum's sister's brother-in-law (i.e. her pedophile husband's brother). My mum's bitch sister (pedophiles wife) now thinks that I am bony and anorexic just because she is 30 kg overweight herself. Mum's narcissistic brother thinks that I have done it for my "ego" and to please guys! Oh lastly, the pedophile was telling me to quit gym because I don't need it and I'm too skinny now!! Huh bloody hypocrites!!!

But the real answer is that I have DONE IT FOR MYSELF. I have been eating healthy, regular 5-6 small meals a day, exercising 5-6 times a week for the last 8 years for MYSELF. Exercise and healthy eating gives me sense of power and satisfaction. It makes me happy, healthy both mentally and physically. The funny thing is that I never trained to look good for a guy but oddly enough I get heads turn on the road and at gym. I am just determined, dedicated and never give up. I enjoy achieving my goals.