Can You Forgive Someone For Not Giving You Enough Space?

[Tibbles123]

@Statsattack

Hey there. She had a pretty rough childhood. She was physically abused by her father and stepfather and then she was in the militarh and was a medic for special forces so she saw a lot. It's lot to deal with.

 

[Justmehere]

I didn't ( past tense). I thought it meant no texting or contacting but learning it means to be in hibernation like a bear

Did she ask you to hibernate like a bear? I know she threatened to get a restraining order and she asked for what she needed for her own recovery. Telling you to drop dead and hibernate is pretty uncalled for though.

As for asking for space in general, have you forgiven her? It's ok if you haven't, sometimes it takes time to get there, but working through the anger and hurt to get there to a place of forgiveness for yourself might be a more useful place to start than trying to guess if there is a chance if she will change or not towards you.

I know that she asked what she needed for herself and you are making more things to be about you than they are by making it so dependent on her forgiving you or not.

Her boundaries are about her and what she needs, and it'sprobably not all about just you.

She may very well forgive you now, but still need to keep the boundary she has set for her own needs in her own life.

I have had to end a relationship with a supporter because they didn't give me space when I asked for it. (It's a little complex but that is an accurate way to summarize the situation.)

I forgave them. I didn't let them back into my life.

The relationship wasn't the right fit for me and I needed to move on to heal. Forgiving them was about not holding it against them and letting myself move on, Forgiveness didn't mean that I restored the relationship.

I wonder if you have considered forgiving her. I mean really letting her go and not holding her to the pain she has caused you, and to forgive her so you can set yourself free and move forward to new relationships with people that are the right fit and who are in a place eager and willing to do relationship with you.

Are you ready for that for you? It's ok if you are not yet ready - might be a thing to work towards though. You can't change her but you can change you, and find people who are a much better fit who are more able to be close and stay in a relationship even when difficult things come up.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I haven't yet come up against any injustice I would consider unforgivable, even though I've been through a lot of shit in my life. If someone hurts me, but then expresses remorse and a need to change, how could I not forgive them?

 

[EveHarrington]

I didn't ( past tense). I thought it meant no texting or contacting but learning it means to be in...

That's not entirely true. Space means something different to everyone.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Did she ask you to hibernate like a bear? I know she threatened to get a restraining order and she a...

I have forgiven her in that not mad at her and look at this situation as a blessing not a curse.

But I don't want to and not ready to let go and forget about her.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

Should of used let back into life instead of forgive. I use words differently than others and forget that.

Talked with my therapist and my therapist is under the impression that she's looking for attention

 

[aut555]

Sometimes men and woman have different ideas of space. Maybe if given a second chance, make sure to understand exactly what she is requesting. If you were overbearing in some way that may trigger her. But you may not realize you were overbearing. Can you take look and review your past interactions? Is there something that you came off a little strong on? It's ok, the dating world is complex and there are rituals that are complex and hard to understand. It's not anybody's fault. We do screw up especially with people we really like. Good luck with this.

 

[Deleted member 33287]

I took for granted that I could treat her like any other girl which backfired because she has trouble communicating.

I don't believe a fresh start is possible if we don't list triggers down, figure out how to communicate when we need something and if upset, set boundaries, establish support systems that aren't of mutual friends , figure out how to slow our brains down .

 

[aut555]

The trigger thing is complicated. I can have anything trigger me or on another day have little effect. Everything has to line up just right. So that maybe impossible. You need a lot of compassion and patience. Have you thought about this as a career choice. You seem very astute on where it went wrong. Counseling other people can be a great career.

 

[EveHarrington]

Why can't you accept that things are over? It's as if you're not accepting that she ended things because it's all being blamed on PTSD------which is a bit maddening to see as someone with PTSD because you're not respecting her decision and that she (NOT PTSD) made the decision.

I hate to say it but if I found out that some guy was obsessing about me on some Internet forum I'd freak out. I think that you want to blame PTSD on her mentioning the restraining order but you really are an intense person who doesn't seem to listen-----especially to her.

 

[aut555]

People do make mistakes in life. You are here trying to understand your actions. Some of us have done incredibly stupid things in the name of infatuation. However getting a criminal record is not worth it. Just forgive yourself and move on.

 

[Justmehere]

What are you doing to find someone new to date?