Can't Believe I'm In A Ptsd Relationship

[Loloma]

Well said prime-no. Stability is the most important thing of all for our mental health. I have worked for 22 years to get "stability" in my life. And in the 22 years since my healing started, two brothers and my mother have died. I divorced, remarried, divorced and moved (or ran), from 8 cities and 4 countries trying to find stability.

It is time for me to stop running, stand still and enjoy my life with my kids and grandkids.

 

[p-no]

We all deserve stability, peace and joy.

 

[Abstract]

Feelings of abandonment, uncertainty and being taken advantage of spring to mind.

I think all of these are perfectly normal and even someone without PTSD or a past would possibly experience them.

I think you need to fully congratulate yourself for getting to this place and figuring it out. That is so important. You posted and worked your way towards clarity.

After I have allowed myself to feel good for breaking a previous pattern I then try to look at how I could get there earlier if I ended up in a similar siltation. What signs there were that I maybe did not notice. What feelings I was feeling and either ignoring or denying and what signs that that was happening. What vulnerable points were tapped into that tried to pull the blinkers down.

I hope you are OK as breaking up is hard but hope you can celebrate that you have done a wonderful self protective and pro recovery thing.

 

[Abstract]

Just wondered if you are OK Loloma. No pressure to answer.

 

[99Phoenix99]

Honestly.

I would say make yourself LESS AVAILABLE TO HIM. See what happens. See how he reacts. You mentioned this whole arrangement is convenient for him yes?

Make it convenient for you now.

Next time he messages you.... don't respond. Next time he asks to come over tell him you're busy. See if all of the sudden he's looking for you. Because you've just altered the status quo with him.

Make time with him when it's convenient for you. If you feel like he's taking you for granted don't tell him. Show him. You have better things to do with your time the cater to his wants and time. It sounds like you want more from this. Well if he does too then he should work for it.

Nothing is more desirable for a person than something they think they can't have. Or something they don't know if they can always have. It'll keep him on his toes.

 

[Loloma]

Finally broke off the relationship on Saturday. Have only seen him about 3 times since May 6.

I wasn't very classy. did it with a text message. Have been meaning to break it off for over a while. Got sick of the bullshit. Friday night after I rang him and he said he would call me back, he was having drinks with work colleagues. The company he works for have down sized again and another 10 lost their jobs. He had to go or take a job with a pay cut, he chose this option. That meant he would be away 6 weeks and 11 days off.

Thursday night he rang so we could go out on Saturday for an early dinner. He needed to be back early so he wouldn't 'miss the football match' on TV! He didn't ring back on Friday night, I guess he had too much to drink. Saturday morning I texted him to say not to come over. Explained that our lifestyles were totally different and it was better to end it now.

His response was he would be over at 2pm. To cut a long story short I told him not to bother. Two hours later he sent me a text saying, I was a beautiful person and he hoped he could see me again. He also apologized for being so complicated. I felt bad and I just couldn't talk to him. It's over and I now feel relieved, and a little sad.

 

[Queen Boudica]

(((((Loloma)))))

He also apologized for being so complicated

Complicated???? More like Selfish! If he can't be bothered to put you first over a football match that could have been recorded anyway and this is at the start of the relationship, think how bad it would have got later!

He got one thing right though. You are a beautiful person Loloma and you deserve better than him and I bet you will find a lot better.

 

[Loloma]

Yes you're right Lizio, some people are so into themselves they can't see the way they are. He was a real charmer, but incredibly self centred. Everything was about him, it wasn't until we were a few months into it that I really saw it.

I guess I got used to being treated badly over time, that I accepted it as the norm. But not quite, that's why he is gone and I am here. Plenty more fish in the sea.

 

[The Albatross]

You sound like you have a very healthy attitude about it Loloma. Don't be too hard on yourself... in the not so distant past, for myself it would have taken me years to notice.

Congratulations for ending as it is obvious he wasn't as invested in the relationship as you were becoming. The disparity, once tolerated can become a chasm that complicates relationships. Men seldom realize that once we've accepted them "as is", why we would like them to change.

 

[Loloma]

Alba, in the past it took me years to notice to. And even longer to do something about it. The first time 28 years, the second time 15 years. This one was real fast, 3 months to notice and 3 month later it's ended.

What I have found though is that abuse comes in many forms. My latest wasn't physically abusive at all, really sweet when he was with me. It was more neglect and broken promises and I felt trivial and unimportant. He has PTSD from his childhood neglect and military service, but that did not excuse his attitude towards me.

 

[Abstract]

I guess I got used to being treated badly over time, that I accepted it as the norm. But not quite, that's why he is gone and I am here.

, in the past it took me years to notice to. And even longer to do something about it.

Good for you Loloma! That is huge and you should be proud. Credit to you. You deserve much more.

 

[Loloma]

Thanks Abstract, Lizio, Alba, Phoenix and anyone else I may have missed. It was not easy for me to do, but I am glad I did. :)