Childhood Confused - is it normal to be beaten as a child?

[Leisel]

People make jokes a lot about their parents hitting or whooping or beating them or “if I was a kid, I’d be lucky to just get a smack on the cheek” and things like that.
So, is there some amount that is “enough to be traumatic,” since clearly not everyone who makes these jokes is dealing with traumatic responses as an adult? Or why is it harmful to live in an abusive household, if beatings, etc. are ‘typical’ parts of growing up?

 

[Suzetig]

I think many cultures still have an attitude that says it's ok to hit children - physical punishment is one of those hotly debated topics. In some belief systems it's considered negligence not to physically punish (spare the rod, spoil the child?). Even in the most fervent of beliefs folk tend to draw a line around what's ok or not.

The law also makes a clear distinct eg depending on where you are in the UK it's illegal to hit in a way leaves a mark, to use an implement to hit a child (belt, slipper, switch) or to hit a child on the head. The days of being able to beat your child into submission without comment should be long gone.

So no, it's not ok to beat a child, there's no defense in my book for hitting anyone, much less a child but my view isn't always the most popular.

 

[white hyacinth]

It isn't uncommon for people to beat their kids, but that doesn't mean it's okay. A lot of people choose to joke about the abuse they endured as children as a coping mechanism. Not everyone will show that they're traumatized, but I bet almost all those people probably grew up afraid of their parents (they might still be afraid of them.) Just because abuse is typical in many cultures/households doesn't mean it's not harmful. Child marriage used to be normal, and it still is in many places in the world, but that doesn't mean it's okay. If you dealt with abuse as a child that you think "wasn't that bad" it can still hurt and have lasting effects. There isn't really a certain amount that you need to go through for it to be considered traumatic.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @Leisel.... There is a huge difference between a smack... And a beating.... A beating is terrifying... Humiliating... It's a different level... Your scared... And it's usually your caregiver dishing out the beatings...

In a household that hurts their child this way... It becomes normal... Or what will happen.. But there is nothing normal about it... It's awful... And you become terrified of your parents..

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I agree that beatings on the head or anywhere else on the childs body is terrible abuse. It is abnormal and the parent who abuses the children is this way are really cowards. I grew up with this type of abuse and I knew in my heart that is was wrong and my dad completely broke my spirit until I became a teenager and hated his guts for the abuse. My mom was an alcoholic and a hateful person and knew what he was doing in spite of the fact that she was always at work when He beat us so there never was any sympathetic witness to the abuse. Finally she made him stop beating me when I started my period because she was thinking he was going to mess up my female parts! It made me completely terrified of my abusive parents who doled out the punishments and my abusive mother slapped my face many times and one time slammed me and my brothers heads together when I was small. They are both dead and have been dead for years and I hate them still even though I know I would heal more if I could just forgive them for being so mentally disturbed. But I am not ready yet, I am willing to explore this but not yet. No it is not normal

 

[Fadeaway]

I don't believe spankings are ok ever. Because, of the common place of it though, it is very hard for a child to tell the difference between abuse and what most people think is a slap on the butt. One time when I reached out for help, I had no other word for it other than spanking, even though it was the buckle side of the belt and went on a while because "The more you cry, the harder it will be." I never learned the lesson to hold in the tears very well, even though I am amazing at internalizing pain so I have been told. I was told "it isn't against the law to spank you child" so I didn't reach out for help again. I still have scars which I still find embarrassing, and don't like anyone looking at my butt. I could care less about other scars but those bug me.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Rain I do not believe you have to forgive to heal. I am not a big fan of the concept of forgiveness for the people who hurt us as children.

 

[nowthisisme]

Physical abuse is traumatizing. But someone once told me that "everyone goes through trama but not everyone is traumatized". But trama does effect a person, they may not realize it but it does. Since I began treatment i noticed so many things about myself that were formed because of the trama i suffered. From my social skill to the way i sleep, have all been effected my the trama i suffered as a child.
So it does effect people but they don't realize it yet.

Now as to hitting a child, its just WRONG absolutely no good will come out of it. It doesn't discipline a child, it doesn't teach them right from wrong, all it does is install fear and resentment towards the adult.
Wanna know what works with children? .... It's a top secret parenting trick that every one knows about but dont use .... ** talking!** .. Yes believe it or not talking to a child actually works!! Communication.. What an unbelievably amazing thing to do, it works for adults and children .. people should try it some time, it might just change the world.

But seriously i hate when I hear or see a child being physically punished, by spanking or just being pulled by the arm, it gets under my skin and I just want to spit in the parents face. Adults need to learn to respect children.

My daughter has ADHD and a few years ago my grandfather snapped at me "That little girl needs to know who's boss! You need to give her a good whooping and let her know you are in charge not her!!" ... that did not settle down ok with me. I made it clear to him and everyone in my family that my children should be treated with respect, you treat them the same way you expect to be treated.

I think i went off topic alittle .. sorry!

 

[Sideways]

Misguided humour is sometimes just people being ignorant and/or insensitive.

For example, people often joke about how they need to go home and have a drink to unwind. People stop joking about that when they’ve watched someone go through rehab.

People often joke about how they had to walk miles and miles to school. Until they meet a kid who’s parents literally can’t afford a car.

Joking in poor humour. I try and put it down to ignorance, and remind myself they’re lucky they don’t know, first hand, that their ‘joke’ isn’t really funny at all.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Beatings were pretty normal and often in my house. Especially with a belt... Moms favorite. Or whatever object she/grandmother had in their hand. Hair brushes, platters, phones, didn’t matter.

 

[Muttly]

I think there's something else that I haven't really seen talked about in this thread yet. It's the intent and manner in which it occurs. I don't think physical punishment is the way to teach a child, but yes, as others have mentioned it still happens. A parent that spanks their child as a punishment and uses communication, caring and consistency is very different thing than the parent who acts out of rage, maliciousness, etc. It could be that the parent who spanks as punishment for a behavior comes across as less frightening and traumatic than the other parent even if the spank was harder. And no, I'm not saying spankings are good parenting. However I am saying it's not always about how hard or if it leaves marks that can create trauma.

my dad was good at not leaving marks. He sure knew how to hurt and frighten me though. One of the things, I have vivid memories of sitting at the dinner table and having him watch me, with his hand raised ready to slap my arm if I made any mistake in table manners. The slap, when it came, wasn't that hard. The trauma came from the sheer inescapable nature of it. The fact he was just waiting for me to make a mistake. He wasn't teaching me, he was intimidating me. I'd already been judged as not good enough at that point and he was going to be damn sure to drive that point home with the slap on the arm.

 

[Friday]

Or why is it harmful to live in an abusive household, if beatings, etc. are ‘typical’ parts of growing up?

Beatings & abuse aren't normal/typical.
Corporal punishment, however, often is.

The two things are as different from each other as sex & rape.

Intent, action, & results are wildly different. Because they're wildly different things.