Relationship Dealing With Partners Alcoholism

[Livy's Mom]

After a long haitus from this board, here I am again. Looking for support and advice or maybe even just to vent. Venting to family and friends is almost impossible these days since when I do, the advice I receive seems unrealistic. Maybe I'm just not ready to take the advice, I don't know. My husband has Combat PTSD but was also a victim of sexual abise as a child. We have made tremendous progress over the past 3 years and that gives me hope. Unfortunately he is an alcoholic. He admits to such and often talks about how he believes he will eventually overcome it but I know different. He's getting worse. He thinks he is controlling it but I see he's not. He is typically a happy drunk but with my growing frustration he has become something else. He often blames me for the arguments and refuses to acknowledge that it is his disease that is the root cause. Over the past month his drinking has increased and so have the arguments. I'm doing a better job of not confronting when he's drunk but essentially what that has done is made me stuff it down until I snap. I have intentions each time of speaking with him the following day about it but I always let it go. When he's not drinking I trick myself into thinking he is the good man that I love and I don't want conflict. It's a vicious cycle. We have a two year old daughter that I have become the sole caretaker to. I'm so very torn between keeping the family together because when he's sober things are wonderful. I know it sounds naive to think he will someday overcome it but I need that hope. I'm here for support and advice. If anyone could share a story of similar circumstance I would be grateful.

 

[amethist]

Hi

This is not going to be easy for you to handle, no matter how you look at it, and he will only stop drinking, when he hits rock bottom, or see's for himself what he is doing.

My husband was drinking 24/7, before he realised he had a problem, and only then did he seek help. He went into detox and did not drink for 2 years. Now he drinks, but in a controlled manner and does not get drunk very often, then he just takes himself off to bed without involving me in any issues.

You either ignore it, or confront him head on when he is sober, but even then he could deny he has a problem.

Finding yourself some counselling may help you get through it.

Drinking is a way for them to block out the pain and issues of PTSD, and only when they seek help for both can they overcome whatever it is that is stuck in their heads.

 

[scout86]

Let me make sure I understand this. He admits to being an alcoholic, and realizes he has PTSD and he doesn't get that there's a connection? If that's the case, somehow he's going to have to see the connection.

I've never been diagnosed as an alcoholic, but I think that's mostly a combination of luck and avoiding the issue. I avoid alcohol now (mostly), because now I DO see the connection and I realize that I used alcohol only in the most self destructive ways possible. (I've never been a "happy drunk" either, unfortunately.) What finally made a difference to me, was running into someone who thought I was a better and more worthwhile person than I thought I was. It gave me something to live up to, I guess, and hope, in that particular case, that I actually could. But, that's me.

It seems to me that you have a perfect right to expect better from your life partner. It also seems like your life, and that of your daughter, would be better without the alcohol. If you give your husband the choice between his family and self medicating, there's no guarantee what choice he'll make, but he might make the one you want and it doesn't sound like it makes sense to let things stay the way they are.

It doesn't sound at ALL naive to think he can "over come" alcohol abuse. People do it all the time. You have to make the choice. After that, "help" helps, as does support, but it's perfectly possible.

 

[Justmehere]

Glad you are back :) Sorry for what you are going through. It's hard to handle it.

Confrontation usually doesn't work, especially if someone is already inebriated. However, a supporter setting boundaries around drinking, is something's that can be very effective and can be done (is beast done) when the person is sober and when they are drinking. It can help the alcoholic reach their rock bottom faster and finally get the help they need to stop. But it's very hard to go through.

It may take things like (and I'm not sure what applies for your situation) not allowing any of your money to be issues to support him. Not just not laying for alcohol, but includes things like keeping a roof over his head. It can include leaving with your daughter while he is drinking. Setting ultimatums that you will only be home when he is sober, etc.

I know you want your family to stay together - and the best way for you and him to stay together is for him has face some consequences for his actions. Really, it's actually a loving thing to do. Someone setting boundaries with me was so hard on me, and one of the best thins anyone has ever done for me. It for my butt into treatment.

As things are, if you keep just avoiding any conflict or him ever facing consequences, this will likely keep getting worse and worse and you all may be together - but you will be with someone who is a shell of a human and who may end up dying from his alcoholism.

You and him both deserve much better.

It can change, for both of you. It's going to take a lot of hard work on both your parts - yours to hold boundaries and his to get support and do the hard work of facing his stuff to change.

It's common for alcoholics to think they can master it all on their own. It's part of why the first step of the 12 steps is to admit things are beyond their control. Because it is. People need help to beat it. I haven't been alcoholic, but I did cope with my pain in other unhealthy ways. I tried so many times to beat it on my own. Finally I broke through my denial when everyone stopped putting up with me and said they couldn't be around me until I changed.

Has he tried trauma therapy? Or is he resistant to that? Maybe some part of him knows he is hurting and needs help.

Maybe the boundary could be for him to get into therapy in order to stay together, and hopefully he will get help for the drinking in therapy too. It's all a part of the battle with PTSD.

Have you thought about going to al-anon? It helped me so much when dealing with my alcoholic and in denial family members.

Do you have a therapist? This is a lot to be going through and even if he gets more help, it may get worse for a little while before it gets better. You deserve all the support you can get.

 

[Livy's Mom]

Thank you all for your replies. It helps me to read what I already know to be true. He does in fact admit to his alcoholism and knows it's due to his PTSD. He jokes and says he has to go to the store for his "medicine". I think my mistake is that I bottle it up and blow up when he's drunk. I need. Plan to approach while he's sober, although I'm not optimistic about his response. I stopped going to therapy about a year ago and agree it's time to go back. Thank you all again for your support. This man is worth the effort, however it turns out.

 

[Chava]

Sorry it sounds like things aren't going well. I'm a recovered alcoholic myself (sober many years). Whether trauma "caused" my drinking or not, I can't drink normally and never really could, even on good days. It was a downward spiral that hit me really hard. Some people do use alcohol as "self-medicating" and can at some point go back and control it, but that's usually in cases of bad drinking habits or hinging on dependence but not really "alcoholism". For someone who is an alcoholic, you don't really become a normal drinker with more self-control (I think we all tried that to death! If I could have one glass of wine, I would, but I want like four bottles...and I would drink them up like water)...sort of like how a diabetic doesn't somehow change the way their body responds to insulin. Anyway, detox, treatment, AA, counseling are all possible supports for him, but only if he wants to change.

I think it's good if you're considering going back to therapy for yourself. The tricky part is probably deciding what you can put up with. It's understandable you feel torn because you want to keep the family intact, yet see his drinking going downhill, so probably like you have two separate husbands. With support for yourself, if you can clarify what you want for your family and work on setting boundaries, and working with him...if he will work with you. Maybe keep a notebook and write down all of your angst when he is drunk (agree it is not helpful to talk to him when he is drunk...might just escalate uselessly because it likely won't have any effect on him or his behavior). Resolve to talk to him when he is sober. If you don't because you don't want to rock that boat, you are pretty much enabling his drinking and keeping it comfortable for him. He might get defensive because alcohol is important to him. That's normal. If the conversation was easy and he could agree to just cut back, we wouldn't be talking about potential alcoholism. But if the family is important to him it is reasonable to be honest with him, even if it makes him defensive or uncomfortable. In his sober moments he might be able to reflect a bit on how he is negatively affecting you and your family and at some point, having someone else like you to help point out the grim reality might help him accept some sort of treatment or help if it continues to go downhill.

 

[franciemarnie]

It always helped me to know:

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

My mother found sanity with Al-Anon.

A great book to help anyone dealing with an alcoholic, or if you dealt with one growing up, is Codependent No More.

The best time to talk is when they are hungover and scared. But when they start drinking, of course, promises go down the drain.

But you can take care of you.

 

[blackswan]

I haven't experienced living with an alcoholic, but I have definitely experienced stuffing down my emotional reaction so that I start snapping while continuously exposed to a behaviour that is causing problems in my life. I know the hope for change that comes with the happy patches, and the self-promise that if it happens *just one more time* then I'll *definitely* follow it up the way I know I need to...

It sucks and I'm often terrified of doing it, but the planned calm conversation is the best way forward. Big deep breath - you can do it! :)