Sexual Assault Did my ex rape/assault me with bdsm?

[ILoveLife]

Abuse is abuse.
The severity of the abuse translates into symptoms...

 

[minirini]

Personally, I think that's a much more useful idea to latch on to than "was it rape?" There's a legal d...

What happened meets my definition of rape, whether or not it does legally. I never consented to violence and coercion as soon as I stepped through the door--that's not BDSM. That situation was unsafe and he took away my ability to consent.

My first rape might not count legally as rape either, but I was clearly unable to consent that time due to drunkenness.

No matter what, you can at least call the acts a violation.

 

[KerriJ]

What happened meets my definition of rape, whether or not it does legally. I never consented to violen...

One of the best things I've told about my doubt of my abuse is this,

"If you wonder if it was abusive, it probably was."

I am so sorry this happened to you. You consented to BDSM in the form of anal sex, not the fantasy that he played out. Yes, you both are a bit responsible for not clarifying, but in your mind you consent to anal sex with BDSM. Not being violent, not oral, etc.

Also, many of us forget, that consent can be revoked at any time. Your partner should definitely have checked in with you on how you were feeling - that's safe, consensual sex. What happened may not have been the traditional black & white rape, but it was still traumatizing.

I consented to oral and some foreplay the night I was raped. He knew I didn't want to have sex (I had told him over and over in previous conversation that it was a line I didn't want to cross), but when he pulled out a condom, I froze. I couldn't fight back, or even say no. Just turned my head, and cried. My consent to the other actions does not authorize or give consent to the rape itself.
You consent to ONE act (Anal) not the stuff he did to you. You are completely valid in feeling that it was traumatizing.

 

[Kintsugi]

Yes, you both are a bit responsible for not clarifying,

I've seen this sentiment elsewhere in this thread and do not understand it whatsoever.

This wasn't BDSM, and you can't get consent for sex ahead of time anyway. So. Uh. Rape. Violent rape. This is completely black and white to me.

 

[KerriJ]

I've seen this sentiment elsewhere in this thread and do not understand it whatsoever.

This wasn't...

I do agree with you! The only thing that minirini is responsible for is the texts. And that is not consenting to the assault that happened. I really hope it didn't come across that way. I empathize because I too, messaged a consenting message (to a specific act, not what happen) to my abuser before the assualt occured.

My heart goes into you minirini <3 It's so hard to realize that what happen was/is traumatic

 

[minirini]

I do agree with you! The only thing that minirini is responsible for is the texts. And that is not conse...

Thank you, KerriJ. I agree that I was responsible for the texts and not clarifying. However, I do wonder whether my ex "forgot" to clarify and check in with me, because he knew that I was a little naive and didn't know what to expect. My current partner would never "forget" to clarify and check in with me, especially if we were doing BDSM.

I'm sorry to hear you were raped as well. He shouldn't have crossed that boundary with you. He did something without your consent. Are you getting help?

 

[KerriJ]

Thank you, KerriJ. I agree that I was responsible for the texts and not clarifying. However, I do wond...

Based off what you have shared, he sounds very similar to my abuser and manipulated you. I too was very naive at the time of mine, and he used that against me in many ways. (Thankful that you have a safe partner now! I do too! :))

I have been in therapy for years, but start EMDR soon. I'm also going to DBT group on Monday. I hope you are getting help too. I went to the local women's shelter after I acknowledge the abuse (it took me a while to admit it to myself) and talked with an advocate there. Something like that might help, even if it's been a while since the rape, they will talk with you.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

As for the ability to say "no" or "stop," that gets very tricky. Someone is able to say "no" only if they feel secure or safe enough to do so. If someone is scared enough--and this is what happens during traumatic events--they won't be able to speak

I can relate to this statement, in my worse trauma where a staff member r.... me (I can't say the word) I had to just let it happen, knowing that reporting was useless and would bring more abuse, resisting would bring abuse, screaming or even crying would bring more abuse. I hurts now ten times as much knowing that I had to let it happen to not get more abuse on top of it.

 

[Scarlet13]

Again, you not asking questions and clarifying the BDSM set up has nothing to do with you being raped or not. This is in a way a form of victim blaming. Just because he texts you ahead of time and labels violent acts as BDSM and you did not clarify does not take it out of a rape context. He knew what he was doing. I can so clearly see his thought process here. He wanted to rape you and so he thought if he called it this then he would not be raping you. This situation has manipulation and coercion and power control that was not role play. If it were BDSM, it seems it would have felt different to you. You did try to stop it, you did communicate real fear. He did not notice that you were truly uncomfortable. Yes, he should be held accountable for your reaction. Again, this is not an issue of miscommunication. He knew fully well what he was doing to you. He took advantage of you and he raped you. It is reasonable to assume that a girl can want to do kinky stuff with her boyfriend and agree to anal sex and then feel safe and have fun. Instead you were attacked and raped. He sounds like he like vaguely looked up BDSM and thought that he could label his acts as such. Did you talk to him about this after it happened? Did he care? Was he appolegetic? Or did he seem smug?

 

[Stickler]

Involves somewhat graphic descriptions of sexual acts.

I'm wondering if an ex-boyfriend of mine raped...

OOOOKAY. Just jumping in cold here.
No safe words, no negotiation...AND he didn't have any experience doing rough body play, or experience at all.
I don't know how to do face slapping safely, did he? Did he warm you up to impact play? NOOOOOOO.
He probably did not choke you the SAFE way. (you avoid the windpipe and press on the carotid arteries, usually by crisscrossing the arms)

You said "yes," but by the standards of the BDSM community, what he did was WAY out of bounds.

Not that some crappy, abusive Doms do not play like that, but they usually get really bad reps and eventually get drummed out of the scene. As someone who plays on the Dominant side, I take pride in providing a good, safe experience for my willing and happy bottoms.
I only like hitting masochists, people who have a liking of ouchy goodness-as I like ouchy goodness and being hit/spanked/poked Otherwise it's not fun, it's not play. BDSM looks like cruelty, but for most of us, it is NOT harmful or harming, it is estatic.
He had no effing idea what he was doing and he screwed up big time.

Rape? Consent can be withdrawn, you wanted it to stop. If you withdrew consent, it was rape.

He violated you.

Even though you were afraid, there was no way for him to know that, since you agreed to a fantasy where...

This is why I like the affirmative consent model. Again, I'm a BDSM top at times, and when you start hitting someone, they get high on their own endorphins.
I try to get a "You can do that,' throughout the process. If I pull out a toy I show it to the bottom and get a verbal reply as to if they want to be hit with it. I want to do...what's going to make them happy. In a mean way.
I'm flying the plane, but if we're not both happy, we're going back to the airport.
Because of what I do, I have to be very careful and precise about making sure I have consent!
SO...I guess what I'm trying to say is that part of violation is being used as a thing in a way, like you don't matter. I was violated a lot as a kid, that's why I'm on this board.
If you were dehumanized (without your consent, because some people actually want dehumanization...O.o I dunno why, but ok...) and you FEEL VIOLATED, you were violated.
The essence of violation is really subjective with adults...with kids who aren't experimenting with kids their own age, it's violation, period.
You feel raped=you WERE.
Someone forced something into you, you didn't want it there, it's that simple.

A tryable court case is a way different beast. Unless you're pressing charges, don't worry.
Don't worry about what other people think either about whether you were raped or not, it's not your job to fix their thinky thoughts.

Consent can ALWAYS be withdrawn throughout the process in both BDSM and vanilla se
The guy was either deliberately malignant or criminally negligent.

 

[minirini]

I can relate to this statement, in my worse trauma where a staff member r.... me (I can't sa...

recoveringfromptsd, I am so sorry that you were abused by a staff member. My heart goes out to you. I understand what you mean when you say that you comply so that you won't get further hurt. Do you have a therapist and people to support you?

 

[minirini]

Again, you not asking questions and clarifying the BDSM set up has nothing to do with you bein...

No, I never talked to him about it after this happened because shortly after this BDSM incident, he left to travel South America. I did visit him once in Guatemala, but that was pretty much the end of our relationship.

For the record, about 3 years after we officially broke up, we were still in contact with each other (yikes) agreed to be friends. He had a girlfriend with whom he was arguing. I went over to his place (WTF was I thinking) to help him study for an exam, and we somehow wound up having sex with each other. He initiated, and I consented to what happened this time. But he never treated me as an equal partner while we had sex. He basically used me, and never once looked me in the eye. He didn't care about my pleasure after he was done. When I asked him what the hell had just happened, he said that we'd just had sex and that this didn't change anything about our friendship. I was very pissed off at him and ashamed of what I'd done, so I completely stopped talking to him after this most recent incident.

I think that he was manipulative during the BDSM incident. He's shown similar behavior both in the past and in the present. He may be apologetic if I tell him that he raped me. I don't know. I can certainly call him and yell at him over the phone, because I still have his number.

Consent can ALWAYS be withdrawn throughout the process in both BDSM and vanilla se
The guy was either deliberately malignant or criminally negligent.

I don't believe he would be dumb enough to be criminally negligent, but I suppose there's always that possibility. Given his previous behavior in the past, I'm inclined to think he was deliberately malignant.