Do Men "need" Sex, If So, Why?

[UnKnown-Self]

I'm not sure men "have" to have sex. I think there is for many men a connection between sex and their self esteem and ego.
Women have different emotional needs when it comes to feeling desire.
As strange as it may seem, men (from my experience) feel manipulated and put upon to fulfill this need.
Women need to feel throughout the days, they are appreciated and thought about. Small kindnesses, thoughtfulness and time to feel rested and relaxed.
A man can argue with a woman, be angry and even hurt, yet still want sex with issues unresolved. This is just the opposite for woman, small hurts, thoughtlessness and feeling taken for granted affects their desire. Again, men can feel manipulated by this.
When they are turned away or the woman doesn't act like she is overwhelmed with passion, men take it very personally.

IMO many men do not understand what "foreplay" is for woman. They think it's a nibble on the neck or playing with a boob, and the obvious evidence of their want that should make a woman feel excited. It's so much more. It's helping with the dishes and talking and joking together. It's being a real friend and helpmate.
Little resentments build up when a woman works outside the home or all day in the home and have to come home and keep working while a man feels they are entitled to relax after working all day. This affects their libido. We are just wired differently.

Last but not least, some men are just too lazy to put in the effort.

This is just complicated more when a woman has suffered sexual abuse. She is that much more to be triggered if she feels sexually controlled. Some men feel cheated they have a broken woman. They think all that should disappear when we love them. Some men feel if a woman loves them she should automatically feel desire .

I don't know what the answer is . I have never been able to have a truly healthy sexual relationship. But my race is not done yet :-)

 

[Friday]

I think it's crazy for it to be "okay" for "women" (read people) to have XYZ emotional needs, but not okay / even to the point of being outright dismissed for "men" (read people) to have ABC sexual needs.

People have different needs.

There are going to be times when your needs aren't being met, no matter who you are. Whether they're emotional, or sexual. It is not your partners "job" or "duty" to meet you needs; physical OR emotional.

But to just blow off the idea that other people's needs are just as real as your own, just because they differ from your own? SMH. That's just wrong.

 

[sedna]

Hi,
My answer is both. It depends on the person. Biologically, yes. But frequency of wanting sex se...

I'd say thats exactly the right answer for the typical guy.

The only reason I'm adding something here, is that age matters. A lot as far as I can tell.
The man at 18 is probably feeling like he needs it up until age 35ish? then less after 40. until after 50 they can take or leave it like the rest of us.

One thing Ive noticed is that men that aren't that young will sometimes make a big deal about their sexual needs because they stupidly think
that having urges makes them more manly and youthful , its an ego thing and they exaggerate their 'needs' because it makes them feel like they're still in the game.

If some guy (or your husband, whatever the case may be ) tells you he needs it, then tell him you need him to make you want to have sex first. Then nobody owes anybody a favor :tup:

 

[EveHarrington]

This thread is very helpful!

I realize how much CSA has messed up my thinking. :-/

 

[watundah]

One thing that makes me upset (speaking of age) is my former neighbor who is 73. He is in great shape, rides his bike all over, and is impotent due to cancer. However, he constantly is making sexual comments and any word I say he will jump on, like " big" , "wet", etc. and will make some stupid suggestive remark. It's become so offensive I can't even be around him anymore. I'm not sure if he's always been that way or is over compensating, however, somehow the feelings of disgust are still stirred in me even if he is completely harmless.

 

[screen-name]

Disclaimer: Here is my opinion and anyone with a different opinion is respected by me :) I am not saying i have the 100% correct answer, just some thoughts.

I do not believe men need sex and I have never read a paper stating a biological need. The sperm will die and be absorbed by the body. The need feeling is kind of like an addiction to the hormones. The brain knows it helps stress and such so it craves it, like I crave a cigarette.

This brings me to sex drive. I think it has a lot to do with classical conditioning. Men are "rewarded" every time they have sex. Statistics say women are only "rewarded" 40% of the time. If you have a 100% chance at reward then you are going to want to do any activity more often than if there's a 40% chance.

All of that said, if your past includes abuse related to sex then it should be on your terms while you heal. I feel like any pressure to put your feelings aside and please someone would be bad in that case. No one has said your feelings don't count but I don't know what spawned your question so I wanted to mention this.

In a healthy long term relationship, I think it's ok for either partner to occasionally have sex when not in the mood as much as another day.

 

[Cattrah]

I have dated a lot of different men, from consensual one night stands, to short term relationship to being married for 5 years. In my marriage it was expected that I give sex based on religious and cultural beliefs of myself and the man. My needs being met weren't the priority.

After divorce and working on desensitising my PTSD, I learnt to have sex in many different forms, and realised that sex for me and orgasm for me is based on the mutual exchange of loving kindness towards one another.

How does this factor in to do "guys need sex" ?

The only men I have been with that "needed sex" We're high libido men. And since I am a high libido woman, I realise this is not a matter of gender, but of sexual drive. And also controlling ones actions over feelings. Even as a high libido woman, I can forgo sex upwards to a year. Yet I have met low libido women who can go 10-20 years with out. I do not really understand this as for me toys do not do the same. Sexual gratification is not the same as love making. And needing sex, is not the same as needing love. For me I need the sexual release once a week, I need the physical intimacy much more. I thrive with a partner who I can give LOVE to in the form of sex, and receive it back. My most successful relationship consisted of a two year romantic relationship where it was open on my end to be able to meet my high libido needs, and closed on his because he only wanted sex once week to once a month. It flucated. I had other sexual and FWB relationships but he was my primary "love" sex, and the other was for fun/physical release. I own toys etc, but it is not the same.

So, I think the gender is besides the point, I think there are people wit high libido and low libidos, and that there is a problem with definition between "sex" for gratification and "sex" for pleasure. But then my view of sex and love making doesn't necessarily involve orgasm or penetration. So.

 

[Cattrah]

Ya know, if anyone came at me with that "duty" line, they'd be on the curb. Just like cooking and clea...

I've always considered any time with a lover friend family as a gift. Everyones time to me is there own as is mine to them. Women wwere not born with a broom and mop in hand. Men were not born with erect penises only wanting sex. We are all human and complex and our time is all gifts we give to one another not to ever be owned by another person.

Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

 

[UnKnown-Self]

This is a great thread!
I have some commitments today but I will be back to post later.

 

[Hooper]

Where to start. Do I need sex to wake up tomorrow and the next day and the next day? No. Can I take care of myself? If orgasm were all there was to it yes but it's not close. I would rate masturbation meeting my need for sex as highly as drinking my own urine meeting my need for hydration. There are many activities that make up the course of a day or various blocks of time. There is not one that compares to having sex with my wife. My drive is higher than hers. There are many comments here that hit home and are right on the money but I came to the thread late. I could easily have sex daily but that is not fair. My wife would be happy at once a week. If we had sex every day I would get what I wanted 7 days a week. If we had sex once a week my wife would get what she wants 7 days a week (no sex for 6 days and sex on 1 day).
"And I know lots of women who feel the same. But.. They compromise....

Why?!?"
Because it is fair. If you want to do what you want 100% of the time you can be single or make someone else very unhappy. My wife and I meet in the middle. It has taken years because she was raped as an early teen and I followed the ebb and flow of the relationship: lots of sex in the beginning, the normal taper down, children and then I went to her schedule and was very resentful. It was on one of the many nights I was turned down we finally had a discussion that led to the compromise. Compromise is not a bad thing. I could have gone through life as some sort of serial monogamist or single but that did not fill the need I had to pass my time with the person I cherish most. Sex may not be a need but it is a vital road to what I want. If I appear to be coming down on you I am not. You asked a tough and interesting question with a variable answer. This is mine. Hopefully it is of use to you or someone else.
Hooper

 

[Kintsugi]

I know this has been said, although I haven't read every reply, but I really don't think this is a gendered desire/necessity. As others have said, libido is the big factor here. I think the idea that men require sex more than women is almost entirely myth. I typically have a higher libido than the men I'm involved with.

Some people consider a sense of humor, brown eyes, demonstrations of generosity, or a certain income or education level as must-haves in their partner. I require a high level of affection and sexual attention. It's just a personal value, not a guaranteed byproduct of your sex. ;)

 

[sedna]

I know this has been said, although I haven't read every reply, but I really don't think this is a...

You're not the first person to say that here, and there's been at least one woman saying it.

The hormones involved make that not entirely true. Of course there are varying levels and individuals that are all different. The whole way we are built biologically makes that a little different. What women are after is totally different at times too. A lot of women my age ( late 40's ) have forgotten about sex for a long time then suddenly feel like having casual sex with whoever looks like they might be good in bed, no need for calls later, thanks. Apparently thats a pre menopause thing.

Thas not the womans libido and individuality-- its hormones. Just like when guys are 17 and will walk across hot coals and swim through shark infested waters if an easy lay is on the other side. We're built to be into sex at different times from survival planning , of God or Darwin- take your pick at least their on the same page about that topic.