Relationship Do Sufferers Know?

[Icareforher]

Hello. This is my first post.

My ex-gf and I broke up last year due to her past boyfriends who displayed one-time physical abuse. While we were dating, she picked up "red flags" from me which were completely false. Me doing nice things for her she tagged as red flag the morning she broke up with me.

I'm sorry if the following have been discussed here elsewhere, but I have some questions...

- Do the sufferers know they have PTSD or a disorder at all? (without the help of a psychologist) Or do they think they're fine and everyone else is crazy?

- Despite her being distant from me, (we just now re-established email contact after over a year without contact) is it possible she can still have the love she had for me, maybe it's just buried under her disorder?

Her emails to me have her seemingly very angry at the world, including me. This is not how she was 15 mos ago when we broke up.

Thank you so much.

 

[Loner]

No, even after getting diagnosed maybe people are in denial about it for years. I was.

I have never even been in a relationship, so take this with a grain of salt, but if shes emailing you 15 months after breaking up with you she might just be crying out for a friend, especially if she doesnt sound like shes in a very good place. Id just try and be there for her as a friend.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I agree with Loner. But I think it's very touching that you're willing to learn about her issue rather than dismissing her as crazy. Sounds like you would be a good friend for her to turn to while she is suffering.

For me though I knew something was wrong. It took me years to figure out what it was, find the right therapist and get the actual diagnosis. It just took a lot of work and pain to get to the point where I could realize why the world felt so unsafe and I felt so unable to cope.

 

[Icareforher]

Thank you both for your helpful replies.

@loner—she did a group email or whatever you call it where you email more than 1 contact with an email. It was asking for donations to get her book published. She is in desperate need of money and today she said her phone and data plan were shut off. I donated $500 to her immediately. But she didn't seem to be that thankful for it—it could be that she doesn't want to lead me on? I honestly wanted to help her in any capacity, not to "win" her by giving her money. That's not me.

@Loverneverfails—thank you. When we started dating, she told me about the myriad of events that were traumatic or just events she was paranoid of, along with the anxiety she had during sleep. It was me who thought it could be PTSD...for the first time in her life, she went to a psychologist, and I don't think the doctor pinpointed it as such, which beguiles me, because reading the symptoms, I can check off at least half of them for her. She definitely has PTSD and I'm afraid that with her extra stress of no job/money, etc that it exacerbated her symptoms rather than me seeing an improvement in 15 mos since we broke up.

Can I ask...why would she tag all the nice things I do for her as a red flag? I bought a fan for her because her fan broke and she not only approved of me getting it for her but she was very appreciative, yet when she broke up with me she used that as a red flag because she saw that as "me moving my stuff in" which is weird, because she wanted to move in with me, get married and have a child.

Thanks again for your help.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I would see it as fear. A lot of people who have been abused learn to never trust and to always suspect the worst. Like it or not, there very much are people out there who seem good but aren't at all. There are people out there who 'groom' their victim by helping them and making them believe they are heaven on earth...and then hurt them in the most intimate and humiliating ways possible. These people exist and many people with PTSD are personally aware of it. When PTSD isn't treated and the person is in denial, it's very easy to suspect every nice thing.

I do it all the time. In fact when a man tells me he likes me, it takes him actually telling me outright for me to believe I'm not imagining it. If we're sleeping together and he enjoys it, I slowly begin to think he's using me, even though there are many things he does to prove he isn't. If he wants to spend time with me, I think he's overly needy. If he wants to give me gifts, I think he's trying to make up for something. I'm better now to where I understand those details pertained to a past relationship, not every man in the world. But for a long time I was convinced of this.

I think it's like that old saying "It's not you, it's me." except in this case it isn't an excuse. It's truth.

 

[Icareforher]

Yes. I agree. Not to toot my own horn, but what a waste of all that I have to offer a woman—even she told me I was her dream guy and she had to be pinched. I'm not like typical guys, I'm attentive and genuinely caring and forever giving. Shame that she would not trust me.

Nevertheless, since she and I concur that we are soulmates, and I still care for as much if not more than I did last year, I will continue to be here for her in any way. Now seems to be the time when she will be needing more help.

Can I ask, since I'm very new to this, are you completely (relatively speaking) cured and free from this disorder or at least high-functioning now? And how long did you have it for? What cured it and was it like an immediate awakening or a gradual improvement?

Thank you, I much appreciate it.

 

[Loveneverfails]

PTSD has no cure so far as the APA is concerned. It's a lifelong condition. One only can learn to cope and come to an understanding with themselves. I still have years to go in my recovery but am making progress in what feels to me like a steady pace. I still have my stumbles as I'm sure my therapist and friends will agree. Lots of people come to a point where they are able to live fulfilling and joyful lives, it is possible. PTSD isn't a death sentence. It's just a result of trauma.

Think of it this way, every relationship has it's pitfalls. Neither person in a relationship can ever be expected to be perfect. Just in this case, you aren't dealing with a big ego or fear of commitment- you're dealing with a disorder that has a name and treatment. So in a way, you don't have to feel too heartbroken over the loss or overwhelmed in how you proceed. This is doable.

Just my opinions however, nothing concrete. But a person does have to want help before they can get it. Improvements won't happen without it.

 

[Eleanor]

My husband phases in and out of thinking we are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and confusing me for his evil-ex. He (we) realized he had PTSD when we spent a spectacularly horrible weekend re-enacting his parents' divorce (he was, I think, 7) He did both parts one after the other. I played a confused supporting roll. It was truly horrific. He got past that (we hope!) - and now, it seems likely, is working through the trauma of his split up with his second wife. I think it is really hard, when you have been in terrible relationships - especially when they last for a long time - NOT to fall back into those patterns of thought/perception.

Please please please be careful about diagnosing PTSD - read Anthony's post about "why self-diagnosis is not an option." There are lots of things that cause people to fall into negative patterns... particularly in relationships.

 

[Icareforher]

Thank you both, very much. I am highly emotional, depressed, sad and concerned right now because of her.

@Loveneverfails—especially since PTSD has no cure, I really want to deal with my ex's 2 former boyfriends. It's so not fair that these a-holes do something and scar her for life. I'm not sure if she continued treatment or not, or even if she is in denial of the disorder. She definitely knows she has anxiety and has nightmares.

@Eleanor—I will read Anthony's post as you said, but my ex is not in a negative pattern. That's clear. She is traumatized by a slew of events such as her ex breaking into her apt when she walked in and then attacked her, tried to choke her, and threatened to kill her if she is with another man (which would be me). A previous boyfriend hit her. She was married for 4 years to a severe alcoholic (no physical abuse), other men stalking her. I knew her when she and I were in High School (we are both now 42). She wasn't like this. As I read her recent emails and blogs, I'm afraid that her condition worsened due to financial woes and who knows what else. It's like seeing your loved one disappearing before your eyes being taken over by an evil entity.

After work tonight went to her mom's out of concern and to see if she can tell me if my ex is okay. But she didn't answer the door. Who knows what my ex told her family. I haven't talked to her mom since the break up, not that I talked to her many times before.