Dom Violence Do you ever get past abuse?

[piratelady]

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for, I think, 7 years. With help from my friends and a therapist, I realized it was not a healthy relationship and I got out. I had a lot of therapy after that, I got healthy, and I never gave my abusive relationship or even my PTSD another thought. I even met someone new and got married.

We got married last year, and he is a great person. Mentally, I know he wouldn't hurt me. I trust him and love him. He does have a lot of pent up aggression though, and he vents that (not at me). It's scary though. I know that having other stressors in your life tends to bring back the PTSD, but I feel like I'm living in an abusive relationship again. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells, be careful of what I say. I'm scared. Only he hasn't given me reason to be scared.

I'm wondering if anyone else has noticed something similar. Has anyone left and healed to the point that they don't experience this amount of fear for no reason?

 

[EveHarrington]

How does he vent? Is it venting while you are around him? If you’re around him when he vents, I’d argue that he IS giving you a reason to be scared. I don’t know exactly what it’s like, but it could be verbal aggression or verbal violence, even though it may not be AT you.

I’d argue that venting can be a sign of worse things to come. I think you’re possibly brushing this aside as nothing when it’s indeed something.

 

[somerandomguy]

I think it's really, really normal for things that are somewhat similar in relationships after abuse to be triggering.

Yesterday I was triggered when my wife told me I had taken the wrong road (I hadn't!), and I totally freaked out. She wasn't even angry, but my abusive ex-wife used to berate me for my driving all the time. That may be a fairly extreme example as it's not really abuse related, but there was enough of a similarity that my brain made the connection instantly.

My wife has never given me a reason to be scared either, and it really hurts her feelings when I'm triggered by something she does. I try to tell her that I can't really help it, and it's not anything she's doing but my brain is the the real problem ... I don't think she gets it. She does try to not to do things I've told her make my PTSD worse, though. Is there any way you could explain to your husband what happens in your brain when he does those innocuous but scary things?

 

[piratelady]

How does he vent? Is it venting while you are around him?

He plays video games, only he takes them very seriously and yells a lot while he's playing them. He is downstairs and I'm on the main floor. I startle every time he yells. I'm worried about saying something for a few reasons. One of them is that I fear if he doesn't have this outlet where will his anger go? As I say that, he's never hurt, yelled at, or been aggressive with me. It still scares me though.

it really hurts her feelings when I'm triggered by something she does.

This is my other worry in discussing it with him. I worry that it will hurt his feelings and I really don't want to do that. How do you deal with it?

 

[somerandomguy]

I worry that it will hurt his feelings and I really don't want to do that. How do you deal with it?

Usually? I don't do anything about it. This is usually a mistake, because it doesn't give her any opportunity to help me out by not doing it again.

Worst case scenario is I tell her right while I'm being triggered. This doesn't usually go well and this is when it hurts her feelings since I'm probably already reacting poorly to the trigger.

When I do the smart thing? I tell her about it at a neutral time, not in the moment. That usually doesn't hurt her feelings and gives us an opening to discuss it like adults.

 

[EveHarrington]

You’re afraid to ask him to not yell?

I don’t know what it’s like for you, but those startles throughout the day build up and accumulate in my system.

You have a right to ask him to not yell because it’s a health issue. Yep, those startles are flooding your system with adrenaline, etc, which isn’t good for us.

 

[piratelady]

You’re afraid to ask him to not yell?

Lately I am. It's not anything he's done, but lately I'm terrified of him knowing what triggers me or...I guess in my mind how he could hurt me later. He is actually a very caring person, but I can't tell him. I'm so scared of what could happen. I can't shake the fear even though I know it's unfounded.

I don’t know what it’s like for you, but those startles throughout the day build up and accumulate in my system.

Maybe that's part of my problem, maybe all of this has been building up and is just turning into more than I can handle right now.

 

[Neverthesame]

Would it help to listen to music or a book with noise cancelling headphones?
Since you don't feel you can talk to him about his yelling, drowning it out might make a temporary solution until you can talk to him about it.

 

[Tinyflame]

I realized something today, walking and remembering an old memory from many years ago in a horrible relationship, abusive actually; specifically someone's attitude and response in relation to another on one occassion- what could be called 'courage' or more so 'confidence' of sorts, and their attitude and actions in relation to me, their treatment of me, almost all the time. I realized that people can have many general similarities to others, male or female: physical attributes, sense of humour, intellect, and so on, and so on; ones we can even associate or define as 'good' or desirable qualities. But being vulnerable, and someone taking advantage of that, or conversely not, in small or big ways, and which includes treatment of you and their behaviours as well, is the biggest difference. And I think that the difference between those who don't is born of the greatest difference of all- the presence of integrity, and character.

So I suppose, my analogy would be, when wondering if this is the same: what does past history tell you? What is their character (not their appearance)? How important are you and your feelings to them, as reflected by their actions? Do you believe what they say? Do you trust them? Do you think they tell the truth? Do they intend on causing you pain, and don't care if it hurts you (or enjoy it)? Do they not intend on causing it but go through life like they're clear-cutting a forest and you're one of the trees? Are the conclusions you're drawing reasonably fair to them, based on their past and present actions? Are you focusing on similarities between your H and ex (which may be superficial), and missing the difference (which may be integral)?

(JMHO though. Yes I know it's exhausting and frustrating to have to continually put that much thought in to it. :( :hug: )

 

[Suzetig]

His yelling isn’t at you, or in response to anything you’ve done? He’s in a different part of the house, engaged in a video game - which is a form of relaxation for him?

I’m going to go against the flow here and say I think it would be unfair to ask him to stop. It would be different if he was yelling at you or in your space but his behaviour isn’t about you at all - I know many people who get very involved in video games who shout at the screen etc, same with people who watch sports and shout at/for their team. For me this is one of those triggers which is mine to manage.

It may be that you need to find something to be very actively engaged with yourself while he’s playing video games, desensitise yourself bit by bit, keep bringing your mind back to the fact that he’s not your abusive ex, all shouting or venting isn’t abusive and that your relationship is safe. Use grounding exercises to help keep your head in an ok place. I’d also tell him you’re struggling with it but that you’re working on it - so he knows if you’re a bit off with him what’s happening for you.

It’s really hard but you can overcome this - I can think of many different things that felt very difficult for me to deal with that aren’t so hard just now. It takes work but it’s important to learn to cope when triggered rather than asking other people to work around your triggers.

 

[piratelady]

How important are you and your feelings to them, as reflected by their actions?

Thank you, all those questions were very helpful! There is a big difference between him and my ex, I think those questions really show those differences. I think I'll try to keep those handy to maybe help me get out of my head a little when I feel that way.

Use grounding exercises to help keep your head in an ok place. I’d also tell him you’re struggling with it but that you’re working on it - so he knows if you’re a bit off with him what’s happening for you.

Thank you, I do think you're right. He is in a different part of the house and it's not directed at me. I wouldn't want to take it away from him, because it's a form of coping for him with all the stress of the day. He would give it up for me, but I couldn't ask him to do that, it's not fair. That leave me fixing my issue. I will have to figure out some grounding techniques and work on it.

The funny thing is it didn't use to bother me that much, but when all the other stresses of family built up this week, it started to affect me more. I guess it's all just snowballing or something.

 

[blackemerald1]

it didn't use to bother me that much, but when all the other stresses of family built up this week, it started to affect me more

@piratelady I think you are on the right track here. It seems you are both dealing with a lot of stress right now. His way of coping is video games and I think that's fine. What is yours?

I will have to figure out some grounding techniques and work on it.

Could you get some good music you like to listen to and plug into that while he is playing the games? Same idea as @Neverthesame and @Suzetig suggested?

I think some things are always going to upset me. I'd have to be in therapy for oh about 100 years to work it all out.:rolleyes: I have to expect that a lot of the time triggers and stressors are going to randomly occur and I am responsible for dealing with them. That gives me a lot of choices but sometimes it's difficult to choose the right thing to do.

I would not be aligning your husband's enthusiasm for video games and yelling etc., with the yelling/abuse your ex directed at you.

I wonder if you mean...if he can yell like that at a video game can he yell like that at me?