Do you wish you didn't have a body?

[Muttly]

This I can definitely relate to. And not wanting or connecting to my body has done me so much harm over the years. I think I'll always have to work at staying engaged with my body. Like you, the abuse started when I was so little. It's just so easy to disconnect.

I've done a similar exercise and written out things my body allows me to do. There's so much.

 

[Mach123]

Yes because of food mostly. I like it because of some of the pleasure from other addictions. To be in the body is to be addicted to it and it’s needs .

 

[Abstract]

I ignore my body as much as humanly possible.

Ever since childhood, I've often wished that I didn't have a body... If there was some magical trick to do that, I'd do it...

I avoid as many physical sensations as possible.

It doesn't seem healthy tho and the follow-on effects are starting to create health issues for me, so I think I'm going to have to try and change it. Don't know how tho.

I partially blame this history of mine on ending up so critically unwell. Largely that, an overly high pain threshold and useless drs who didn't listen or ask questions. I honestly don't see the point of bodies. I'm trying to change

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

Sometimes, depends which parts how they feel about it. And how much trauma stress is happening. The last main one would rather be nullified and/or invisible than go outside and did try to cut off genitals a couple of times; To have a human body is to be looked at and treated in evil ways to B. Nothing else. The current big boss right now is much better with it and what he doesn’t like he is just indifferent to. He’s the first part to actually be comfortable in his skin. Z is trying to imitate him, is less comfortable/confident and finds having a presence hard. Taking up space is harder for him and being seen so he wants to be very unremarkable I think. I remember he ignores it a lot and would rather be something else really.
When it’s bad with trauma having a body feels yuck yuck yuck. All the badness of what happened rubs off onto you as if it’s your fault and it feels so bad. I don’t look in the mirror much at all because it’s weird, I don’t connect to what I see. I feel I’m in it but it’s not mine, but I don’t hate it so it’s not too bad as it could be. Like Z sometimes I wish I was something else.

 

[spinningmytires]

I’ve had various reasons for wanting to disconnect from my body — my excessive weight-gain during childhood was shamed — yet my fear of feeling my own feelings has been perhaps the worst of it. No body awareness — no painful emotional awareness.

My first vivid recall of non-contact CSA by my father goes back to age 4. At about age 6, I began to avoid all physical closeness with my father though I likely had been avoided touch even earlier.

To the best of my limited knowledge, I suspect my father was schizoid, as he always avoided physical contact and emotional closeness even with his wife. His executive functions seemed normal, and yet, his social connections were always brief, shallow and superficial. He had no real friends nor meaningful connections with his parents nor siblings. He apparently had no desire for sex beyond his own masturbation which was sometimes linked to my CSA.

When I would try to engage in a simple conversation with my father, he would always immediately tighten his lips, wrinkle his nose and begin bllinking rapidly. Sometimes he would even stiffen his arms, turn red in his face and begin to hyperventilate. He avoided all closeness, be it physical or emotional or in brief conversations. Rarely did he speak beyond a few words. He basically preferred being alone.

I suspect that my early childhood interpretation of my father’s immediate discomfort when I'd approach him meant that there must be something ‘very bad’ about me. I didn’t even have to say or do anything. My mere ‘physical presence’ (my physical body) was enough to make my father feel very uncomfortable.

Perhaps, I thought my body was directly responsible for my father’s discomfort. I might have even thought my body was guilty of causing discomfort in others. I suspect I’d felt ashamed of my body’s guilty unwanted behavior.

 

[ThisLifeIsBeautiful]

I say "I hate my body" all the time. it's broken. I've never thought about it like this but it feels very true for me. thank you for this post <3

 

[Dave Ryan]

I hated my body when I was a boy. Firstly I was a bit overweight. Then, in my teenage years, I was made to wear a girdle - and not one for men, but a woman's panty girdle straight out of a nearby department store. And that damn thing was a good tight fit, so I had to suffer hours each school day hating the feel of it compressing my belly, backside and thighs and driving me near crazy. It took me a long, long time to get used to the horrible sensation.

 

[Friday]

so I had to suffer hours each school day hating the feel of it compressing my belly, backside and thighs and driving me near crazy. It took me a long, long time to get used to the horrible sensation.

That’s how women feel, too.

The STRENGTH (and collapse) such a reality causes? The numbness & acceptance (hatred), or violence & rebel (hatred), is a completely natural thing.

Few men understand the horrific SHAME & undulating effects.

Hint. It’s not just manhood, it’s human. And you were made to feel like girls do. Which is also emasculating… in a society that views men as better than women, emasculating matters. Like forced to wear black face, in a white culture. Or branded as Korean in Japan. Or being black-Russian (tans easily, green eyes and brown hair), in Moscow. You? Were a PIN in sociocultural-ISM. LESS than. WorthLESS. SHIT. IE DEEP cultural digs were aimed at you. You f*cking Jew, Korean, whatever the “okay” to hate thing is. You? Were the hated thing. Women, in your case.

Double Ditch the shame. Made to feel like a woman? (Because that’s bad.) Made to do things against your will. (Because that’s bad).

Or?

NEITHER are bad.

Because you. were. made. to.

All the bad? Is on them.

And I’m speaking with a shitload of bad, on me. It’s not a victims-rock dog whistle. It’s just appropriating blame where blame is due.

You? Caved. And “became” what 50% of the kids you went to school with ALSO went through. In addition to the sexism, where girls suck., and being made to act like a girl… doesn’t mean you’re a badass (by being girly), but a piece of shit(by being girly).

Girls? Where YOU grew up? Aren’t badass amazing people to aspire to. They’re SHITE. (Or they wouldn’t have forced gender markers on you.).

OR?

They wouldn’t have forced you into a girdle. They’d have given you ships, swords, soldiers, firearms, conquering armies... If they wanted to make you a “girl”. (So you’re not from the balkans, I know that much). And they wouldn’t have wanted to shame you, by making you a girl in places that actually have gender equality, with female heroes. They’d only have shoved you into a girdle in places that despise and devalue women. Like the US & Western Europe & its colonies. As most of the EAST? Isn’t judeochristian. And has thousands of years of history at its fingertips, including female leaders/heros, as well as despots/assholes. So it isn’t being female/male that is inherently shameful. But what one does.

You wore a girdle… like a GIRL!

How f*cking SHAMEFUL… being like a… girl? 50% of the population? Girls are… what? How western & misogynistic are you? Girly man. Your heroes, are never women? Girls are less than? It’s a shameful thing to be a boy mistaken for a girl? Or acting like a girl? Wearing girls clothes?

I was born in the West. But raised? In the East.

So it’s like being called a Jew, or Nigger, or WTFO? to have another places bigotry land on me. You were called a girl. Made to act “like” a girl. In a place where that’s not a compliment. But the worst of the worst kinds of insults.

Ever stepped back from that? Wondered how ACTUAL girls felt? Who weren’t just “called” girls, but WERE girls?

I’m not trying to feminazi you. I GREW UP in the East. Where women are valued. If you grew up in the west where women are burdons? (At best). That is a HUGE thing to be saddled with; being part of the ruling class, shamed by being part of the despised. I… simply… ask you to question the premise.

You’re black. You suck.
You’re Korean. You suck.
You’re female. You suck.
You’re Jewish. You suck.
You’re … You suck.
You’re made to look/act like … you suck. Because THEY suck. So let’s smear you in dirt, adorn you with feathers, make you wear underwear… so YOU suck.

That is a times a zillion not about YOU, but about THEM. X2. Because they’re so uncreative and blaaaaaand/blind/stoopid as to have to reach for BS cultural nonsense, to abuse you with. You uppity nigger, you. How DARE you think you’re …people. Girly man.

 

[Mach123]

Yes yes yes . The whole thing is giving me a kind of horror because I’m older and I’m watching my body ? Turn into something else. The eating and elimination. And we sanitize it. I can’t watch the animals in videos killing and eating each other, SO gross. YUCK.