Relationship Does My Wife Have Ptsd? She Has Been Raped Several Times.

[Lost001]

Hi,
I posted to another forum recently specifically to seek support for my situation and there has not been any feedback yet. On reflection I perhaps should have used this forum and I hope that there is someone here that can help me as I am pretty desperate!

My original post was very long, too long. I wrote this from scratch to try and shorten it and I have failed. I hope that some are able to get to the end. I really do need to hear from someone, even if it is to say I'm at fault.

The situation is this, last week during an argument, my wife told me she had been raped by a previous boyfriend ( we are married and together 4 years). Since being together we have both been through hell, and I have because of her behaviour. She has gotten out kitchen knives and threatened herself, although my own safety was in question. Thankfully, she hasn't done this is 2 years. She has broken her hand hitting the work surface and many other objects and furniture. When she becomes ultra emotional, she will pull her hair out and hit herself in the head. A week ago she gave herself a black eye. When it was noticed she was asked if I'd done it. Other times I will get silent treatment for a while, but she will be slamming doors and stomping around at the same time as denying that she is doing it. I have called the police once, last year. I was about to fly away for 2 weeks and the day before she became triggered and very emotional. With the shouting she was doing our 1 year old girl was crying in another room, she was distressed. My wife will corner me, block door ways etc and if I come close begin to push on me. If I request space or to be allowed to leave she won't allow it. She says she wants to talk, but she doesn't realise she is shouting and I usually don't allow it as she gaslights and tries to justify whatever is happening. She would not let me go to our daughter and pushed and pushed, "you don't care, you don't love me, go and find someone else, if you don't listen to me we are no more" all these things that are said over and over. She blocked me from getting to our daughter through 3 rooms, so I got physical and moved her resulting in her lying on the floor crying (having been standing and preventing my movement moments before). I picked up our daughter and called the police. I stood in the kitchen crying as I told one officer what had happened. She did not share the full details with the other officer. I was lucky not to be arrested I was told! It's not the only time I could have called the police.

I'm conscious I have written a lot and I have not gotten to my point. We had an argument, basically I am at an end with what I am prepared to cope with. I've been diagnosed with mental exhaustion and multiple emotional outbursts a day have lead me to this. There are sexual matters, while we do have sex, there are limitations. I have tried to address disparity as I expect is the right of any husband or wife. I basically put it to her that I was not prepared to put up with her highly emotional high conflict behaviour any more, there's been no improvement, while I am not getting the things that I want from my wife (I was making a point about oral sex, but it goes much deeper than that). The following morning we carried on arguing, but not screaming at each other. She became emotional again, and then shouted that she had been raped by a previous boyfriend. I was shocked and it took a while for it all to sink in. My world fell away.

Over the last couple of weeks I have been reading like mad to understand what has been happening over the last 4 years. Two and a half years ago I did not know anything about BPD and codependency. I have addressed the codependent nature in myself and have grown to the point I don't let these traits govern what I feel and do. When she is triggered I have felt like her behaviour is abusive and in line with some traits of BPD. I have tried to cope, and tried to change my behaviour from reactions to responses to trigger her less, but I can't ever relax. If I relax and let my guard down, the one thing is certain another trigger event will happen very soon and in my relaxed state I am open to being hurt more. Now that she has told me this about being raped, and joined more of the dots with events in her childhood, which includes molestation by another older child when she was a young girl (police involved), beaten by a gang of girls as a 13 year old, fathers affair, father going to prison for rape (in her mind there are extenuating circumstances, I'm starting to think I don't know all the facts as she hasn't shared or doesn't know them), possibly being drugged and raped as a young woman by three men in an alleyway, being raped having been drinking by her ex boyfriends friend in a car while his other male passenger watched. The incident of rape that started all this after our argument was with a later boyfriend. He was also into animals apparently, but I have yet to find out how deep this goes. I have asked her if they split up after it happened and it wasn't immediate, he sent her away in the end. They did have sex afterward, but I have not ventured with her that consent may have been removed in the first instance, so my suspicious mind believes there could be a lot more she has buried.

Her mother knows nothing of this other than the coercion not to talk to anyone about her fathers behaviour. For his part he had her by the throats against a wall during the fallout when she was a young woman. Her mother is emotionally abusive, my wife has constantly tried to seek approval from both her parents. My wife is 35, her brother is 33, he is still at home, floats about and doesn't keep work for long. He's the golden child, she's the black sheep. I am not even going to go into the truly horrible things her parents have done to her and us.

So I have a huge amount of questions, not least of which, how can I cope with all of this?! I'm out of my depth. I've felt like an emotional caretaker, sacrificing my own mental wellbeing. I have warned her on several occasions that I want a wife foremost, not just a friend. Now I believe that what I thought were BPD traits were just symptomatic of PTSD. I'm not a medical practitioner, all I have is my own experience and do a lot of reading. I don't blame her at all for the things that have happened, but things she says indicate to me that she does blame herself. According to her, these were her mistakes, she has lived with the consequences, lived with the memories, she has dealt with things (paraphrased from texts last night). I told her that we are living with the consequences. She blames me for making her tell me what she did. She says she has "dealt" with it. While I respect that, it is not the experience that I am living with daily. She told me that she had also gone to counselling about it. At no previous point in the last 4 years has she mentioned it. She had counselling earlier this year for the break down. After promising family and friends that she would do it, it took 6 months to start. Of the 12 sessions she did three, then decided with her counsellor to stop. I have asked if she talked at all about previous assaults and she did not. I do respect her right to keep whatever she wants to private self. I don't regard this as keeping secrets. I'm not trying to extract the truth from her, but if she values our future, she might have to consider being more open from this point on, to see how she may not have dealt with this as she believes.

I love her. She loves me. We have two girls together. I have a son by my previous marriage. I'm breaking under the strain. I went to see a counsellor last week, and she has agreed to come to the next session, which is hugely positive. She has refused counselling in the past, and even refused to allow me to go, saying "if you go you may as well end things". I don't know if it is a good idea to bring everything out in the open. I will focus on myself and what I see and experience and not let her off of the hook. I have warned her that I will talk about whatever I like, and will not stay off of these traumatic events as I believe they are affecting me. She has not backed out of coming.

Have I gone mad? Is it my attitude and expectations that need adjustment? If she says she has dealt with events from her past and is content with herself, should I also be content with that? I'm very anxious about the future now. I'm sole earner, the wheels fall off if I don't provide. No different to anybody else's normal problems. I've gotten myself into a situation with someone that I can't in good conscience walk away from, I'm also very worried about the stability for my two young girls and the best I can do for them is to stay to protect them. Having been through it and supported two friends through divorce, the legal system does not favour the man. My wife may seriously harm herself and the children would be at risk. Now that sexual assault is the issue, I cannot turn to family and friends for the support I have been given in the past.

Did anyone get this far?!

Matt

 

[Fadeaway]

Welcome. We can not diagnosis your wife as we are not professionals. I can say as someone who does have PTSD that what you describe is reminiscent of severely unmanaged PTSD. If she does have PTSD she certainly doesn't seem to know how to manage it nor does it appear that she has learned any coping skills. You both need to get into therapy right away. Individual therapy and maybe couples counseling from 3 separate counselor. The separate individual counseling for both of you is imperative though. You both are clearly suffering. Self care is vital for you and she clearly needs coping skills, PTSD or not. I am going to recommend that she DOES NOT go to your counseling appointment.

Of the 12 sessions she did three, then decided with her counselor to stop. I have asked if she talked at all about previous assaults and she did not.

Only a very poor therapist would allow her to talk about it after only 3 sessions. Trust has to be built first. She doesn't have t talk about the trauma to start learning coping skills. She needs a trained TRAUMA SPECIALIST. She also needs to be able to click with the therapist. Some people get lucky and find a therapist they are comfortable with right away, others need to try out several.

I have one serious bone to pick with you though.

There are sexual matters, while we do have sex, there are limitations. I have tried to address disparity as I expect is the right of any husband or wife. I basically put it to her that I was not prepared to put up with her highly emotional high conflict behavior any more, there's been no improvement, while I am not getting the things that I want from my wife (I was making a point about oral sex, but it goes much deeper than that).

No, just no. You are her husband do not have "rights" when it comes to sex. No one has "rights" except the right to their own body. Many woman with sexual trauma can't have sex with their husbands at all period. Sexual trauma means her triggers are going to be related to sex. It is your duty as her husband not to purposely trigger her. . You need to come to terms with the fact that your sex life most likely needs to be put on the back burner for now if you want her to address her trauma. *deep breaths for me*

You are also going to want to read this:The PTSD Cup - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Explained

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Lost001 Welcome to the forum. I will echo what @Fadeaway has so eloquently stated. It was probably done with much restraint also.

If your marriage is to last/work, make it, you will have to learn patience, coping skills and yes a good therapist for you. Your wife, although she has gone through some really horrible trauma, her behavior is unacceptable. Understandable, but unacceptable. She needs therapy, hands down and as soon as possible.

No one, unless they themselves have PTSD, could possibly comprehend what we go through. I wouldn't wish PTSD on even my worst enemy... well, maybe I would.

 

[Ronin]

Have I gone mad? Is it my attitude and expectations that need adjustment?

Yep. You definitely need to take it slower and get more sensitive.

Don't get me wrong - threatening her life & that of others and all the weapons shenanigans she's doing would be better addressed with qualified professionals in a committed setting prior to anything else. But if hospitalization isn't an option, you really need to educate yourself, stop thinking all the me-me-me thinking about how your life is baaaah ruuuined and you have riiights and get a grip.

Start thinking like a parent. Your children come first. Her life and health come first. This isn't about you, and definitely isn't about your sex life. Don't push it. Sex is important, but there just ARE things that come first, and warding off madness together? Is one of them. For both sides.

 

[Lost001]

Hi Fadeaway,

Thank you very much for taking the time to post. I have taken on board everything that you have said, including the harder messages. I don't wish to seem defensive; it is my right to address disparity as a husband, at the time I agree I could handled myself better, however I was not aware of her previous experiences. This was a, albeit heated, exchange, not an attempt to coerce or to force myself on her. What seems to have happened is in trying to repair my own well being and personal state I now have much firmer (less pour out) boundaries and this may have left her little option but to tell me the things that have happened to her. It is why within a couple of days I had made my first appointment to see a counsellor, knowing full well I am out of my depth. I have had one session, that is all. He suggested we both come along, and she's has agreed to.

I take your point about having three independent counsellors. Should we keep this appointment and try to decide in it how to go forward?

Matt

 

[Suzetig]

I don't wish to seem defensive; it is my right to address disparity as a husband, at the time I agree I could handled myself better, however I was not aware of her previous experiences. This was a, albeit heated, exchange, not an attempt to coerce or to force myself on her.

I think it's fair enough that, not knowing about her previous experience, you would seek to have your sexual needs met in your marriage and it's not that unusual for such discussions to end in heightened emotion on both sides.

Now you do know, you can decide how you go forward from here in terms of support, treatment etc - if she is threatening and potentially violent you need to decide the point at which too much is too much. Your safety and the safety of your children come first.

 

[Lost001]

Ronin,
Again, taking the get a grip message on the chin. Life's expectations just changed radically for me. I'm still getting used to the idea. I guess the image I have of myself as having been a good husband and father is off by some margin. I don't think I was trying to make a point that my sex life is more important than anything else, just that it has been the catalyst for her to finally reveal what she had. I'm gutted that things haven't worked out the way I wanted them to, and I am trying to adjust to that thought. I'm surprised a little by the strength of feeling in the replies, although I put all the information out there and tried to express myself in a balanced way. I wasn't expecting anyone to be nice to me, and I am very grateful for the time taken to reply.
Matt

 

[Lost001]

Suzette,

When I encountered all of these things for the first time it was a shock. I wasn't developed enough to know what to do.

As soon as we were living together she would fall asleep at about 6 in the evening and wake at 5 or 6am. In between she would be completely unwakable, catatonic (is that the right description?). I'd carry her and put her to bed. However, during the night she would have nightmares and pull her hair extremely hard and other times seem like she was fighting someone. It took about five months for it to subside, then it faced althogether over he next year. Now it is only when she is stressed that a mild episode occurs. At 40 I'd never experienced anything like it. And the same goes for the other things that I have described. Saying it was a lack of maturity is a bit unfair, I've been behind the curve all along. Something new comes along and i didn't know how to cope.

I see no threatening her own life right now in any real sense, only verbally from time to time (twice per week?). I am very concerned about how much the 2 year old is absorbing. Swearing, shouting, throwing things, breaking things. My wife has to try to get this under control more for the little one's sake. I'm telling her constantly (calmly) to not swear in front of our girl, it's usually accompanied by shouting or a raised voice. It just does not seem to register that she has done it a time the time, then later she will say I need stop doing that in front of her. Is it right to call that some sort of dissociation?

Matt

 

[Lost001]

Suzetig,
My apologies for incorrectly spelling your name. My iPad saw fit to change it without asking!
Matt

 

[Ronin]

Again, taking the get a grip message on the chin.

I figured I didn't explain how I meant that one properly, my apologies -

What I mean is that there are safety concerns in your marriage that need take priority from marital life, altogether, that being the safety of your children, first, then your responsibilities to anyone else.

To mind life & health & safety before customs; it wasn't meant to be a critique of yourself as a husband at all for I'd know nothing of it beyond what you've told us, and it's an incredibly difficult and not enviable position to be in. Just to help reprioritize concerns, and I know that can be difficult when the events are taking a wild turn so fast. :tup:

 

[Ronin]

Is it right to call that some sort of dissociation?

Frankly this is sooo beyond the scope of what sufferers of PTSD normally deal with.

It's not quite usual for trauma, either, included complex & chronic & severe trauma.

I'm doubtful this can be dealt with in home settings, without outside assistance, at all.

 

[Suzetig]

No problem re the name thing :cool:

I wouldn't say there's a lack of maturity, at least it's not what I was trying to say in my reply. It sounds like you've been dealing with some very challenging behaviour in your wife's part of a long while now but have only just discovered the cause - that's a huge amount to absorb in any relationship.

I'm with @Ronin in that it seems to be extreme behaviour even for dysregulated PTSD and not some your young daughter should be witnessing, especially the shouting, throwing, breaking things - that can feel very unsafe to a toddler.

I suggest you don't both attend your next counselling session together - you're going to need your therapy sessions to feel very safe and having your wife in the room at all could throw that for you. She does need treatment, probably in some form of residential programme initially - to be honest, I'd be talking to her in terms of she needs to accept treatment if she still wants to care for her child because her dysregulated state presents a risk to her child's safety and wellbeing.

I realise that may sound very strong but when you've lived with a situation for a while you can loose sight of how bad things are. A question to ask might be whether, if a friend or relative asked you if your wife could care for their 2 year old for a few days, would you be happy to say yes and guarantee the child would be safe? If not you need to protect your own child in that relationship.

You have my every sympathy, this is awful to be dealing with.