General Dragging Your Spousy Back To Bed

[Deleted member 28812]

So my guy does not like to sleep in his bed but in other places (like in the doorcase).
When it is evening he often does not come to bed but has things to do. I try to get him to get to bed. Sometimes I get angry. He gets annoyed and ignores me. Any advice?

I am a bit worried about his health. He is pretty fit but I think this might not be healthful.

 

[rightkindofme]

I sleep in weird places. I'm not sure why you think that sleeping somewhere other than a bed would impact his health. That connection isn't obvious to me. If he's sleeping--why does where matter?

That said: my husband and I read a lot of "how to have a happy marriage" books and one of the things that I've read in many places is: Go to sleep together. Even if you get up later in the night and move somewhere else to finish your sleeping, the bonding of going to sleep together is a big deal. So even though I often have to not be near someone or I have to wander in the middle of the night, we try to start the night together.

I'm the one with PTSD. My husband is an Aspie. He likes to stay up all night coding. Sometimes when I'm feeling ignored or unimportant I start carping at him about how his choices aren't healthy. He has finally gotten to the point where he kind of glares at me and says, "I'm an adult. If you want to talk about how I'm meeting or not meeting your needs that is fine but you are not my mother."

Man I'm a bossy pain in the backside. Learning to live together has been quite an adventure. :)

 

[scout86]

Any advice?

"Quit picking on him"? (You asked!)

I'm firmly in the "grown ups get to decide where they want to sleep" camp. If it bothers you, by all means talk to him about it. When he's awake and well rested. There are a lot of people who object to being bossed around and treated like a child, and that kind of sounds like what you're doing, to me.

I'm an adult. If you want to talk about how I'm meeting or not meeting your needs that is fine but you are not my mother."

Great line! I'm adding it to the collection on the refrigerator!!

 

[Recovery4Me]

First hugs to you:hug: (if you accept).

Second, your loving assistance is borderline controlling or codependent, (be it in his interest or not).

Third, I offer in respect this phrase:
We admitted we were powerless over others - that our lives had become unmanageable.

If you are loosing your sleep or experiencing anxiety policing another, it is time to let it go and detach from the outcome. As Scout said, express your concerns, perhaps that you miss him in bed (if true) and get yourself a solid night sleep. ;)

Take what you need and leave the rest.

 

[Kefira]

I sleep in a hammock, at least when I'm not in a relationship. Best decision I've ever made as pertains to my sleep and my back pain. But before that I would sleep on floors and couches a lot. I don't see why it wouldn't be healthy. I mean, depending on the age of your bed and how well it suits your body they can cause a lot of serious back issues and things.

All of that said, when I'm in relationships having someone to go to bed next to is a big part of the relationship for me. I don't do sexual intimacy well, so the main point of a relationship in my case is emotional connect, and I put up with the rest. But, it's also a very different conversation to say something like "Hey, it's really important to me that we go to sleep together, is there a way maybe we could make that work with a schedule compromise or some sort of agreement?" Is way different than being naggy and causing fights about him, an adult, going to bed.

 

[shimmerz]

Sorry, but I would rather eat dirt than 'drag someone to bed with me'. I don't drag, I don't beg,

 

[Deleted member 28812]

thanks, ladies.

It's not about sex. At least I hope so. Often we have sex, he gets up, does things and later I find him asleep in an unusual place.
It's about his health. I am worried. That's why I drag and nag and beg.
I'd be okay with him sleeping on the sofa or in an hammock but not in the door case or a place like that. To my mind it's bad for his back and bad for his health because it's cold.

You think I should let him sleep there nevertheless.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm guessing he is in the doorway because he feels safe there. To an outsider, this may seem "unhealthy" but sometimes sleeping in a bed, or even beside someone else means that we don't sleep or that our sleep is very poor. Maybe throw out the notion of what is "healthy" by societal standards? If he's getting rest in the doorway, then all the more power to him.

 

[Kefira]

Maybe you can try to find out the reason from him? It could help you understand and not worry as much, and maybe it would open up room for a conversation about other possible solutions.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

It's a long story. He does not like to sleep because when he goes to sleep he sees scary stuff (but it actually hasn't anythiong to do with the bed). That's why he does stuff and likes to sit in the staircase, look what I do and the baby does, look what our toddler son does, because you can see both our bedroom and that of the boy. So he is sometimes doing stuff, sometimes sitting in the staircase, drinking coffee and then when he is tired enough he just tells himself "Okay, let's just sleep in the staircase" because he likes it.

While coffee may not be the best drink before you go to sleep you just cannot talk him out of it.

I know that this sounds very confusing and makes no sense. That's his reasons.

 

[shimmerz]

I wasn't intending that remark to be about sex.

Bedtime is a huge stress, for most of us anyways. Some of us only go to sleep when we drop of exhaustion because it is so frightening. Dark in general is a tough time of each and every day. I can't imagine having to fend off someone who is trying to 'get me to bed' when clearly your husband is not comfortable there. Are you understanding how he must be feeling if he would rather sleep in a doorway than in bed? Not about you.....I am not alluding to that - but can you imagine what horrors would have you want to sleep in a doorframe?

Encouragement so that safety is established. Nagging will just keep him away as it doesn't provide a safe environment and clearly he already has issues with safety and the bedroom.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I had a period when I slept on couch cushions that I had put underneath my computer table.
I agree with the others about letting him sleep where he sleeps best. Maybe if he sleeps in bed, he'll be bugged by things on his mind and he will be lacking sleep, and get more stressed as a result. That isn't healthy either.

If you are concerned that he gets cold, put more blankets on him when he sleeps... haha