General Dragging Your Spousy Back To Bed

[Deleted member 28812]

What do you people suggest?

New bed? Make the bed more cozy for him? Learn to live with it and give him a pillow and cover so that he can sleep where he wants and try to make his favourite places for sleeping warmer... but he could catch a cold anyway because it's never as warm as the bed.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Actually, stairs & landings are one of the more comfortable places (that's not a bed) to sleep.

:woot: That's sounds rather funny... but if you say it... I have never tried... but he actually likes sleeping in the doorcase, did I say staircase? Sorry typo... I think I wouldn't approve sleeping on the stairs because I was afraid he would fall down. I would become a real PITA.

He likes to see what everybody is doing and the is a doorcase where the floor starts. He can sit there and drink coffee and see his loved ones. He likes that feeling. After a while he get's tired and decide to sleep just where he is.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Okay... I used my dictionary - doorcase is the wrong word. He sits on the "Stiege" and it is translated with "stair case" but it is not the stair case. Anyway. Doesn't really matter. It's not the point. He sleeps outside of bed.

 

[scout86]

What do you people suggest?

Have you tried having an adult conversation about all this? That's been mentioned a couple of times and you've never responded to the suggestion, directly.

Is he getting any professional help with all this? Because it doesn't go away by itself and most of the time it's hard to sort out on your own.

I'm not sure you understand that a lot of this isn't a "choice" on his part.

I have PTSD. I have a couple of friends who don't have it, but know that I do. They are nice, intelligent, good hearted people. One day, I was having lunch with one. I was telling her a story about something that had happened that week where someone had inadvertently triggered me, repeatedly. It had been a couple of days earlier and I was still wound up because of it. When I told the story she said that she knew just what I meant, she also hates being touched and reacted the same way. Now, I REALLY didn't think she knew exactly how I reacted. She's a dear and valued friend, but I HOPED she didn't know what she was talking about. Seconds later, she reached across the table and touched my arm. I saw it coming and I STILL jumped a foot in the air. I may have done a bit more than that. Her eyes got wide and she said, "You couldn't help that, could you? Maybe it's NOT the same as the way I feel!" Thankfully, it's NOT. She doesn't have PTSD. I'm not sure what she'd thought, but apparently she thought this stuff is a collection of choices and voluntary reactions. It's not.

My point is that your husband isn't doing this stuff to annoy you or because he's a poorly behaved, willful child. He's doing it because he's hyper-vigilant and hasn't found a way to turn it off. Sometimes "hyper-vigilant" is fun. Usually it's not. By the time you're falling asleep at random times and in random places, it's not. Empathy, understanding, and encouragement helps more than nagging.

You mentioned that YOU sleep better when he's in bed with you. Have you told him that? Since his goal is to protect you, knowing that you feel protected with him in bed might inspire a change in his behavior.

 

[rightkindofme]

And you have feelings about him sleeping outside of bed. But you need to learn that your feelings do not need to dictate his reality.

I would *love* to dictate when my husband has to be right next to me... but that isn't really how marriage works. We come together when and how we can. I have PTSD. My husband is an Aspie. We both have weird sensory issues that unfortunately decide a lot about how much time we spend right next to one another. If we got angry at the other for needing space... if we tried to say that the other couldn't have that space when necessary... that would feel abusive.

Different people need different things. Different people sleep at different temperatures. My oldest kid sleeps in her underwear under a thin sheet when I'm wearing socks, a shirt, footie jammies, and three huge comforters because I'm *freezing* at night. Just because *you* think something sounds uncomfortable doesn't mean it is uncomfortable for someone else.

Your comfort doesn't dictate someone else's health. Claiming that he has to sleep with you "for his health" is passive aggressive and controlling.

 

[Momofthree]

He likes to see what everybody is doing and the is a doorcase where the floor starts. He can sit there and drink coffee and see his loved ones. He likes that feeling. After a while he get's tired and decide to sleep just where he is.

This! I get this! I have been known to sit in the hall between my children's rooms in the dark with the dog at night. It's peaceful, it calms me because it is easier then doing multiple perimeter checks. Everyone I love is right there. I can hear the kids sleeping and my dog is by my side sleeping, all is right with the world... I've even fallen asleep there from time to time because it is so peaceful, and I've never had a nightmare there.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Have you tried having an adult conversation about all this? That's been mentioned a couple of times and you've never responded to the suggestion, directly.

Yes. He mentioned he sees scary stuff when is going to sleep and grew a bit afraid of going to bed. I asked him if we should buy a new bed or change something about the bed or sleep in another room and he said that it wasn't that bad and not necessary and that it wasn't caused by the bed anyway.

When I wanted to talk about the topic again later he smirked, pinched my cheek and said "don't worry".

He told me he likes just sitting around drinking coffee, looking what we are doing.

We do not talk too much about this.

Often we decide to head to bed early because we are tired but then he has a laundry list of things to do, for example some household chores, like sit there and polish all our spoons and when he is done he polishes them again (he is also a bit OCD), or he says he will come to bed very soon but needs to look at some funny internet pictures and he says he'll come to bed in five minutes but it takes him hours.

I ask him "when are you coming" and he stays stuff like "It's not my fault all our spoons have stains. That would be your job as a SAHM - but you didn't do it. I need to do it now. It's all your fault." Unfair to my mind. No, I don't do all of the chores he comes up with but some of them are just so ridiculuos. He might be doing it because he feels under attack.

Should I just try to make the places where he likes to sleep very cozy?

 

[Momofthree]

I ask him "when are you coming" and he stays stuff like "It's not my fault all our spoons have stains. That would be your job as a SAHM - but you didn't do it. I need to do it now. It's all your fault." Unfair to my mind. No, I don't do all of the chores he comes up with but some of them are just so ridiculous. He might be doing it because he feels under attack.

No this isn't fair, and even if he feels under attack he is responsible for his reactions. It sounds like he has OCD or he could just be coming up with something mundane to do so he doesn't have to think about it while his mind races. But blaming you for not doing it is not acceptable.

Should I just try to make the places where he likes to sleep very cozy?

you could try this if it will make you feel better, but keep in mind 'making it more cozy' in your mind may make it less comfortable for him. For example, I can't sleep on memory foam because I get nightmares when I do (I was raped on a memory foam bed). A 'normal' person would find memory foam more comfortable then a spring mattress, but I don't.

 

[Sweetpea76]

He told me he likes just sitting around drinking coffee, looking what we are doing.

He's in a place where he feels like he can keep watch. It's more than likely a security thing for him. My vet has favorite spots where he goes outside to smoke, one where he can see the entire backyard and tree line behind the house. His chair is positioned where he can see anybody who pulls into our driveway. He has a routine perimeter check. They had to keep watch to stay alive when they were in combat, and old habits die hard.

Should I just try to make the places where he likes to sleep very cozy?

Couldn't hurt. A big pillow or cushion and a blanket would be nice. I wouldn't worry about him sleeping in odd places either. Soldiers can pretty much shut their eyes and sleep everywhere and anywhere they need to. My vet says he's happy sleeping anywhere as long as he isn't soaking wet and spooning two other guys for warmth.

 

[scout86]

Should I just try to make the places where he likes to sleep very cozy?

I don't know what HE'S going to think, but I think that's kind of cute and sweet!

I'm not sure what he's doing. Maybe stalling so he doesn't have to go to bed. This is kind of hard to explain, but there's something about having everything perfectly in order that feels "safe". A mistake can get you killed. Something you overlook can get you killed. An assumption can get you killed. I KNOW that the objective reality of the world he's living in NOW isn't like that, and probably so does he, but there is a part of your brain that is so determined to keep you alive that you can't let it go. Doesn't matter how much you want to, that part of your brain is running the show, whether you want it to or not. This is one of the reasons for therapy. In the meanwhile, my approach would be "Whoever first decides cleaning spoons is a matter of life and death gets to clean the spoons. I'd rather you didn't use it as an excuse not to sleep."

It's probably the idea of "sleep" that he's avoiding. It has nothing to do with the room, or you, or anything else. Sometimes "sleep" is a scary, out of control place and there doesn't seem to be much you can do about it. I think there's stuff that helps, but, again, that's part of what the point of therapy is.

Good luck to you both!

 

[Friday]

Soldiers can pretty much shut their eyes and sleep everywhere and anywhere they need to. My vet says he's happy sleeping anywhere as long as he isn't soaking wet and spooning two other guys for warmth.

Truth!

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Thanks a lot, ladies!
I have come to a decision. I will not drag him to bed any longer but make his favourite spots more comfortable.

Feels "odd"... but if it is the best solution...