General Dragging Your Spousy Back To Bed

[Recovery4Me]

While coffee may not be the best drink before you go to sleep you just cannot talk him out of it.

There's another member besides me that can attest to drinking coffee before we sleep. For me, it helps me focus as I have ADHD+, slows the inner chatter and calms me down. My DIL became alarmed when I visited and my son gently told her it was the truth.

 

[rightkindofme]

Unless you have some kind of medical justification for it being unhealthy... I don't see that you have a case here. Sorry. :-\

 

[Wastinglight]

That said: my husband and I read a lot of "how to have a happy marriage" books and one of the things that I've read in many places is: Go to sleep together. Even if you get up later in the night and move somewhere else to finish your sleeping, the bonding of going to sleep together is a big deal. So even though I often have to not be near someone or I have to wander in the middle of the night, we try to start the night together.

Yep, this makes perfect sense to me. I always go to bed at the same time as my guy, even if he has to get up later on. This is mostly because I get a lot of my physical affection needs met (ie snuggling) at night in bed, because my guy doesn't really do snuggling on the couch or anything like that during the day. I have a need to give and receive a lot of affection, so snuggling in bed is very important to me. I don't mind if he gets up later on though if he can't sleep or whatever. So starting the night together and waking up together is a big thing for me, helps me to feel loved.

I know my ex used to complain of aches and pains if he slept on the couch, quite simply because a couch isn't designed for sleeping on. So I guess in that way, not sleeping in bed could be a health issue over time.

 

[Sweetpea76]

My vet hates his bed. He associates it with the nightmares he has had in it. His sleep patterns are also heinous... I don't think he sleeps more than an hour or two at time anyway. Everything wakes him up, then he has to do a perimeter check. Because of this, I just let him do his own thing when it comes to sleep. I've learned that there are just going to be nights when he doesn't want to sleep with me, and it's not because of me. More than likely he is sitting up somewhere because his hypervigilance is at max level. Sometimes it's the opposite, and he wants to be right beside me because it is comforting. You just have to learn to roll with it.

 

[scout86]

Drinking coffee helps me sleep. My T's suggestion. He says I, at the very least. have "ADHDish tendencies". I can't get over how much difference it makes!

And, I can't TELL you how many hours of sleep I've gotten with my head resting on the kitchen table. Let's just say "lots of them".

By all means, TALK about this. Tell him how you feel. Listen to what HE says. Have a real. two sided conversation. "Not sleeping" is a whole lot more unhealthy than sleeping on the stairs. (Or while you're driving. I've done THAT too.)

And, he IS an adult. As long as he's mentally competent, he really should be able to make his own decisions. Your feelings are important too, which is why I do think it's important that you discuss this.

I'm FAR from a relationship expert. I worry about the nagging and stuff like it. It really doesn't seem like the way adults who respect each other deal with each other.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I am not a guy, but I do have PTSD and Austism and can assure you that is perfectly normal for us. The worst thing you can do is get mad at a person that simply reacts to his or her own disease. It is easy to do when you do not understand. You have to understand that a person will experience a certain disease in different ways.

When I get triggered really bad I do the same thing. My mind is so exhausted I usually just drop in any place, even if that place is totally uncomfortable. It is a reaction of the mind to the stressors that we experience and there is nothing we can do about that. It is like your mind totally crashes.

If you continue to get mad at such a person, even after you know that he or she is not responsible for this behavior then you have to expect aggressive outbursts.

 

[joeylittle]

My ex insisted he could not sleep properly unless I was in the bed with him. I deeply, deeply resented him for that. Sleep is a precious thing. We take it where we can get it. It's not up to you to tell your husband where it is OK for him to sleep.
(I'm a sufferer)

 

[Recovery4Me]

If you continue to get mad at such a person, even after you know that he or she is not responsible for this behavior then you have to expect aggressive outbursts.

I appreciate your opinion, honesty and welcome to the board (if I have not done so already)!
With that said, I am offering a different opinion on the quote above.

I never gave myself permission to nor had a diagnosis from a T that I was not responsible for my (choice of) behavior at some point within the flashback or what have you. Nor did a T ever tell me 'aggressive outburst' was my only profile or modus operandi if someone presented anger or being 'mad'.

Although it has and takes a lot to self regulate... and I have made many, many mistakes,part of me would die inside if I held that belief. I am more than an acronym.
I have PTSD...it
does not have me.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

My ex insisted he could not sleep properly unless I was in the bed with him.

It's a bit similar for me. I feel... unsafe is to strong a word... unprotected if my husband is not sleeping besides me. Not because he is dangerous - don't get me wrong but I feel he is not there to protect me. It's just a feeling that doesn't make any sense.

When we went camping, he was sitting outside the tent at night and I felt incredibly afraid that the "bad things that are in the woods" would come and snatch me from the tent or come and snatch him and I don't notice until it's too late.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Drinking coffee helps me sleep.

It's not like this for my husband. Coffee wakes him up. He does not like to go to sleep (because of nightmares I guess). He also likes to feeling of "hyper". I am worried about his caffeine intake. Very worried.

 

[Friday]

I'm another with opposite-stimulant-reaction. An ADHD thing. If I'm not highly symptomatic with my PTSD stuff, a 6 shot espresso will have me snoring in under an hour. Even in a Major PTSD tailspin? Coffee can help me get a few hours of sleep, where I might not sleep for days, otherwise.

I get that your intentions are good... However,

I know that this sounds very confusing and makes no sense. That's his reasons.

Nope! Not confusing, and makes perfect sense. Actually, stairs & landings are one of the more comfortable places (that's not a bed) to sleep (even when I'm not symptomatic, I'd rather sleep on the stairs than a recliner when I have a head cold or pneumonia & need to be propped up), and the sense of security in being able to see the people I love? As well as a good line of sight to both floors of the house?

Again, I understand you intentions are good... But one of the happiest things about being divorced is never having someone chiding, chastising, guilt tripping, looking down, nagging me to do something I desperately want to be able to do and have to work extremely hard to even get a little bit of.

Really, it's even more frustrating and hurtful than being fat and having someone monitoring my every bite, the sighs of disgust as I open the fridge, the "You're not going to eat that are you?", the "helpful" little comments, the digs, the suggestions, ad naseam. Because, at least being fat is something I have the ability to do something about. Unlike insomnia. Being berated for something wholly outside my ability to change? Is like being called fatty fatty fatty day in and out, while pregnant & just after giving birth.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

More than likely he is sitting up somewhere because his hypervigilance is at max level.

That's like him. Sitting somewhere being hyper. He likes to do chores in the night or surf with his notebook find funny pictures - which he often prints and shows me in the morning. I like this. It's sweet and affectionate.
Sometimes he fixes a five star breakfast :)

But I am worried about his health.
I think he doesn't like to sleep when it is dark. Sometimes when it is weekend and me and toddler wake up, he has fixed breakfast, we eat together and he goes to sleep... I want more quality time.