Relationship Emotional numbing, or fallen out of love?

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

Hi all sufferers and supporters.

How do you differentiate between if a sufferer is emotionally numb or has simply fallen out of love? I find my partners actions confusing at the moment.

Any experiences, knowledge and likely would be really appreciated.

 

[Still Standing]

The only thing that I know is that love is a commitment to another. The feelings and emotions that come with that can ebb and flow or disappear entirely for a time. But, if a relationship is judged primarily on emotions and feelings, it has less of a chance lasting. There is something about committing to each other that acts like a glue that keep a couple together in hard times. As for your boyfriend, I cannot speak for him, but he might be numbing or he may not have "feelings" anymore which might make him think he is no longer in love and is pulling back. Considering his struggles, right now, he may simply be confused, numb, afraid, or any number of thoughts. Sorry I can't to give you a definitive answer. I guess your choice is to hang in there and see where the chips land or make new decisions for you own life. It is a hard decision to make, I am sure. Or maybe a temporary hold on the relationship would give the boyfriend breathing room and some relief from pressure he might feel with it, so he can more freely work on his PTSD issues. There are no easy answers to your question.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I really agree with your post. For me, love is about that commitment, standing with eachother through hardship, being eachothers biggest fans and supporters. My SO and I have a long history of just that. We have been through so much together: any hardship that has come our way we have been able to get through together.

For him however, he believes that feeling should always be existing. The feeling of excitement and butterflies. Since his PTSD has been more apparent, and especially after therapy he has put a lot of emphasis on not being able to feel this particular feeling for me (even though we have managed to get those feelings back only a few months ago, and on other occasions). He has felt very guilty and stressed that he is stringing me along and being unfair because he can’t feel anything for me.

Recently he has been extremely down, saying things like ‘I’m dirty, I’m disgusting, I have no joy in life, I feel empty, I don’t feel anything, I feel dead inside, I’m going to have a breakdown, I feel like shit’ as feel as having very intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and nightmares. He is starting EMDR next week and his therapist has suggested this.

I’ve tried to explain to him that the excitement isn’t necessary as we’ve been together for 7 years, but the fact that we have a deep bond is just the way it should be. He doesn’t accept this. He is so adamant that he has fallen out of love. Part of me knows that this could be emotional numbing but as he is so adamant, some parts think maybe he has truly fallen out of love.

I really don’t know how to differentiate those two and I wish I knew how to.

 

[EveHarrington]

Focus on actual true bonafide love and not “in love”.

“In love” is chemical infatuation that *may* include real love (but oftentimes doesn’t).

If real love exists, it will weather the fading in and out of the “in love” chemical infatuation feeling.

And real love is what’s most important, right?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

@EveHarrington i totally agree. I believe we have true love. What worries me that he does not. Because he can’t ‘feel’ the exciting feelings of infatuation, he thinks there is no love between us.

 

[LuckiLee]

Does it matter? You're clearly not getting what you want or need from this relationship. Right? I'd reevaluate things if I were you. It could take YEARS for him to be healthy enough for a committed relationship. Are you up for that?

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

To me it does matter. I’d like to know the difference.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I do appreciate what you are saying though @LuckiLee

 

[OrangeJulius]

You won't find out here. Not everyone with PTSD is thr same.

Everyone is different. Only he can answer at that. So, you gotta ask and not base your life decisions on guessing. If you can't ask now, then you ask when he stops isolating. Refer bacm to specific moments and ask what was going on then so you can better support yourself and maybe him too depending.

 

[BoyfriendqwithPTSD]

I tried asking him ‘but remember the times x y z, when things were so great and you said that your feelings were back. What happened then?’

He flat out denied it. Or he will get annoyed and claim that I am exaggerating. Which I’m not because I still have all the messages etc.

But right now he is indeed quite unwell, to some level isolating and down. Maybe the wrong time to ask him to clarify?

 

[Snowflakes]

He is starting EMDR next week a

Maybe the wrong time to ask him to clarify?

Yes. He is struggling just to survive, he will not be able to have this conversation with you. And remember that, with EMDR, it is likely to get much worse for him before it gets better. He is in therapy now. He does not need the added stress of trying to make a relationship work at this time.

Take care of you now while he is in therapy taking care of himself.

 

[Survivor2018]

I don't think trying to reason with him will help with anything. You are trying to come from a place of love and he is in a place of self. His mind set will not react well to any type of relationship pressures and bringing up how things were may make him feel guilty or defensive. I say that because I am there now. I had a positive relationship before all this and we were always able to be open, and honest and had a high level of communication and that has vanished practically overnight and everything I say is met with resistance, anger and confusion. He is unable to be happy for me, with me or with himself and it's not me it's him. Trying to navigate it is hard for me because in my mind I remember how things were too and it's difficult to get out of that mindset compared to how things are now. It's an unfair place to be and I and many on here will empathize with you. I agree with the others that a therapist who can help you sort your thoughts out and maybe work on how to handle the situation may benefit you. But trying to explain anything to him about your feelings may feel like a judgement to him.