Exploded last night

[Bipfroggit]

(i apologize in advance if this isn't in the right place)
So, I had possibly one of the biggest anger explosions on someone close to me, that i've ever had.

I didn't even see it coming. The person said something to trigger me and i reacted violently screaming at the top of my lungs pushing them, and descending into a state of extreme tension. All of my muscles were frozen, i was curled up in a ball covering my face sobbing, and then when i finally calmed down, i was exhausted and feeling horrible.
I felt really bad about it afterwards and apologized profusely for it; but i feel like i have gone backwards several steps in healing because i have worked so hard up to this point to minimize outbursts (using EFT and EMDR with my therapist). i am wondering if maybe it stems from some art i was creating earlier that was channeling out some of the feelings inside me. I normally do not create artwork based on my true inner feelings. My artwork is more reflective of what i see to be natural beauty in the world around me. it is not reflective of my inner storm so to speak. So when i started to put on the paper what was going on inside of me, maybe it put me in a position to "leak out" some nasty things. IDK all i know is that i am really sad about it and even though the person i freaked out on forgives me, i still am trying not to get down on myself over it.

So my question is: Has this happened to anyone else? For artists: have you ever been afraid to draw what was inside of you? I have been in recovery now for seven years and i can count on one hand in all those years, how many times i've ever drawn anything negative because i was afraid of how dark it can get. I just want to be rid of this disease.

 

[rascal]

Yea definitely! I used to be a proficient artist - I was constantly working on some new video or script or song. It wasn't until recently when I was re-traumatized that I stopped creating anything. 1) I think I'm blocked. That part of me is still hurt. 2) Whenever I do draw something or try and create something it turns out dark and evil and sets off waves of paranoia and synchronicity that I don't enjoy.

I wish I could help you get over the hump, but I'm still trying to figure it out myself. I channel my creativity into music now because it's simpler and more pure in expression (in my opinion at least), well ok, now that I'm typing this: music is a safer place for me than my other artistic outlets. I'm definitely afraid to give any kind of life to my inner demons because in my experience it leads to bad things for me. The last time I was really into my creative zone was when I was working for my psychiatrist, and he really pushed for me to tap into those dark places. He got off on dark, twisted imagery and fetishized my talents to the degree that - well, honestly I don't really want to go into it but yeah. It's tough when your creativity is bound up in trauma. I hope you find your way through it!

 

[Bipfroggit]

@rascal Yeah, i know what you mean by being blocked, i have to force myself most days to even start drawing anything. I used to like to paint with acrylics but i don't even do that anymore. My therapist suggested i use art to channel that bad stuff out, but im scared...Yes music is wonderful! I listen to music and sing everyday when im alone because you're right, it is pure. The sounds carry me into a better place. Do you have any Tibetan singing bowls? I wanna buy one because i love the pure sound it makes. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

 

[rascal]

@Bipfroggit I don't have any, but they sound awesome. I really want a steel drum. And a keyboard to make electronic music. And a better computer to do mixing and production! You've got me daydreaming now! :D

 

[Higgins]

Hi. I realize y'all wrote a while ago, but I drew it out on paper so I could shred it and throw away. I kept drawing and got a lot of it out of me, that darkness is gone from what I make. It took some time. Even just digging a pen into paper and scratching it up helped me. The thing that never went away, is the loss of motivation.

 

[Fenris Lyulf]

I completely relate. I have rage too. It happens out of the blue (or I can't figure out what triggers it) and I can be quite destructive. This happened again about a week ago and I screamed so much that the next day my throat was sore. I feel so much shame when it occurs and the following day I'm just in limbo. I am also an artist but my creativity and my intellect (I was a scientist too) are so low that they are nonexistent at times. I wish I could just draw what I'm feeling but it seems impossible right now.