Relationship Fear of crowds - a questiong

[Never_falter2]

@leehalf: He does not want me to go with friends because he is afraid something could happen to us... I said we don‘t need to go and then he gave me a speech on how we are cowards if we do not go, how unpatriotic it is... not sure if you heard of this: last year there had been a terror attack on a Christmas market in our country. The biggest terror attack to happen so far in our country at all. This year six men had been caught who most likely planned a terror attack on a Christmas market, but because they could not proof it, they had to let them go.
There has been a discussion, also in the news, that we must not let terrorist make us change our way of life. We must show them that we are not bullied into submission and that we continue celebrating our Christian traditions no matter how much they hate it.
He also stressed how important it is for the kids. Their friends will go too. He does not want his children to miss something because of his illness.

It is not me who keeps bringing up the topic. It is him. He wants to discuss it again. He said he really needs to talk about this, but when we did he called me names.

By the way. I understand his feelings, because I share his feelings. It is just... he cannot make up his mind... he calls me names.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If he is going to insult you everytime he talks about it then you don't need to talk about it. Let him deal with his own issues.

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves not to get wrapped up on the stuff going on in their heads.

Make the decision to go or not go on your own.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Akhos: i did not want to devaluate your feelings. I just tried to be helpful, because I just thought maybe she did not realize how you were feeling. Maybe she did and is just uncaring, but maybe she just did not realize.

My guy does not talk about how he is feeling to often but if he does I am happy, because I often do not have a clue about how he feels. You are not a vet, are you? So it might be very different in your case... but he was trained not to show his feelings... and he comes from a family who valued not showing your emotions.

He has reaction he shows when he is very afraid, but it needed a long time until I realized what they were, for example he hits his leg in a certain way when he is nervous but it took me a while till I found out... or he will ignore everything around him and start playing Tetris on his cellphone... but he does not cry because he is scared... ever.

He does cry because of music... not because it scares him... because it means something to him. Can also be something positive. So if he cried because he was scared I think I would not understand it and he needed to give me a sign.

My husband can do it. Plus he can for example give me a number to tell me how much something scares him, zero being not scary at all, ten being very scary. Could you do that?

Or discuss it with her later?

 

[Never_falter2]

@Sweetpea76: I think you are right but I told him I would be there everytime he needed to talk about his feelings... and he does not do that very often... talk about his feelings... and now he wants to and I let him cope with this alone... and I feel very bad, but one the other hand I think that the discussion would lead nowhere and he would only end up insulting me again, make fun of how I life in a bubble filled with unicorns and flowers and so on.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Listening to his feelings doesn't have to include sitting there while he insults you though. I'd maybe listen while he speaks his piece without offering any opinions, but shut it down if he gets rude.

Did you tell him that you don't appreciate being talked to like that? It's fine to say "I am more than happy to talk about your feelings, but don't get frustrated and get rude with me. That is not OK."

 

[Never_falter2]

Yep. I did and I did before because he implied I was naive before. Not sure if he can really stop telling me I am a naive fool. Seems to be like an itch.

 

[Friday]

I'm not afraid of crowds.

How afraid are you of dealing with your kids when they're sick & having a tantrum (screaming and crying because their tummies hurt, and vomiting, and angry, and scared, and tired, and hot tantrum, not misbehaving)? It's like that. There's no fear involved. There's WORK. A lot of work. It's exhausting. An hour with a sick kid who is miserable = more than a whole day with a kid who is being & feeling lovely.

Similarly? I'm not sure how old your children are, but if they're not very small, do you remember when they were? When you couldn't trust them for 2 seconds, and had to keep your eyes on them all the time, and hold their hands (or carry them) in public? Versus when they were a few years older and you knew they wouldn't run away, or step off the street in front of traffic? Even when it was busy out, they knew to stay close to you & how to behave?

Now add those 2 things together AND add a nice big fat stressor, like important people have just come over and you're covered in vomit, and your house is a mess, and the kids are screaming... And the important people are there to be entertained. And now more people are showing up to "help" but they're making things worse. :banghead:

That's what dealing with crowds is like, for me. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It's not scary. It's 1,000 variables I'm well aware of (like parenting) all interacting with 1,000 other variables (like important people showing up, and helpers being useless).

If I'm trying to discuss those variables with someone? I DO NOT want to be told sick children are easy to deal with! (No. They're not.) Nor do I want to be told you can just put them to bed, what's all the fuss about? (Listen, please, I'm trying to discuss what I need them to do in order to help me take care of sick children). I need their temperatures taken, and fluids, and any vomit/etc. cleaned up, and, and, and, and.

I'm not looking for reassurance. I'm looking for assistance.

Exact same thing -again, for me- with crowds. If I'm trying to discuss exit strategies, and rally points, and similar... That's not fear. That's precaution. Moreover, it's trying to make sure that the person helping me is someone I can trust / backup, rather than a liability that I have to ALSO be looking out for. (Are they helping me with the sick children, or just making my job even harder?)

 

[sadgirl]

Akhos,
Thank you for this.

you cannot rationalise a reaction from PTSD,. It is easy to rationalise an emotional response when it is rational. An emotional response through a reaction to fear, to PTSD, is completely different because most of the time, the sufferer does not even know themselves other than, if they are lucky, that it was triggered due to a certain event.

I have to keep reminding myself that what occurs is not rational and can't be understood through that lens.

 

[Sighs]

@leehalf - I'm going to second @Friday here. None of the combat vets I know are afraid of crowds. They made a living putting themselves in harm's way. The problem is that they see their job in a crowd as protecting you (and your kids, and your friends, and your neighbours, and every other innocent civilian there). And their training tells them that they need a plan and they need a team. If he is trying to recruit you to his team and make a plan, telling him he doesn't need a team or a plan is not going to make him feel comfortable attending.

My vet bought our house in part because it is on a reverse slope and therefore would be easier to defend against attack. We have talked about defensive positions and fall back positions etc. I cannot tell you how unlikely we are to be attacked in our home. We live in a country area, a five hour drive from our state capital on a dirt road which leads into a National Park. You can't see the house from the road. Do I argue these rational points with him? Nope.

 

[LuckiLee]

I guess what I mean by afraid is.... He doesn't want to be "that guy" anymore. He's afraid to have to do all that shit again.

J doesn't like crowds. We wouldn't be going to an event where even the news is broadcasting about increased security.

As a supporter I wouldn't go because of the aftermath. After a day of hypervigalance J is a complete jacka**. No need to cause more stress when you don't have to.

I know he's not afraid. He's even said he's not afraid of war or dying. He did say the one thing he is afraid of is chemicals. Things he can't see.

✌ & ❤

 

[Never_falter2]

My Vet is afraid of germs he cannot see.

 

[Never_falter2]

Well, I noticed my answer does not make any sense cause there are no germs one can see but you know what I mean. He is also afraid of phtahalates in plastic bottles.