Feel like crying, but I can't

[FauxLiz]

I know that sounds stupid but I don't know how else to describe it. I didn't sleep well last night and all day today I have just felt as though I am on the verge of tears/crying. I won't say I don't know why, my life is an absolute mess. I hate my new job, I am stuck at my dad's with no vehicle which sucks because he lives 20 miles from town and the closest neighbor is over 5 miles away.

 

[Movingforward10]

Yeah that feeling sucks. Because it feels like if the crying could happen theb maybe the feeling would pass. But the crying is blocked.
Crap feeling. It will pass though this feeling.

Sorry: nothing kre concrete or uplifting to say, other than I know that feeling well.

 

[ladee]

I have been like that for months. I also know where my sadness is coming from. For me, it's just my body shutting down for a while because I am so stressed. Crying does not bring me relief. I don't feel 'better' after crying.

It bothers me too. But I have been told it is normal for what I am experiencing as my son committed suicide last year. I cried all last year and a few months into the new year and then just nothing.

I don't know if this helps. You might try talking with your T if you have one. At least you will know if it's 'normal' or not. Well wishes.

 

[Survivor3]

I know that feeling well. I can't cry and it turns into this type of constant depression. It's really unhealthy because crying is part of the natural healing process. I don't have any "cures", sorry! Just to let you know that others have that aswell. I hope things improve for you.

 

[FauxLiz]

Thanks for the support, I generally don't cry, haven't in years except with the national anthem is played which I have never understood, I didn't serve in the military or anything like that, it just gets to me. But when things go to shit, nope no tears I get this same horrible feeling and nothing happens.

 

[Tinyflame]

No wise words either, and am the same. I think at some level one has to give themselves permission to actually feel and acknowledge how bad you feel, and that you are allowed to express it (too).

 

[FauxLiz]

I have been sitting here since I got off work today and I am beginning to wonder if I don't already know why I feel this way. My entire life nothing I do has ever been good enough or right to my FOO. I won't say that I haven't had struggles in the career that I have been in for the last 15+ years to the point I really thought I wanted to do something different but now that I am, I feel an emptiness that I am struggling to accept. Everyone in my family has been telling me to change careers, and well they are all happy that I have, but honestly, I hate it, I can't get motivated, I am struggling to learn the information that I need to, not because it is all that hard but because I really don't care. I never felt that way with the other career. I loved learning and applying the different skills and gaining experience.

I am really beginning to think that I only changed fields to make them happy and get them off of my back. I guess it is weird, I have always enjoyed coming to my parent's house in the past, I found the area relaxing but after the few months in Florida I don't know how to explain it other than I felt at home. I went outside every day and just spent time both before and after work, it didn't matter how hot or humid it was. I have been at my dads for 6 days and I think I have left the house twice other than to take the trash out. I have always loved the seclusion, now I feel trapped (this is not my first visit without a vehicle either so its not that). I feel like I should tell my job that I am unhappy because they are all so excited for me to be part of the team and all that I can bring to the organization but for me, I just am feeling stuck. It is stupid I know I have only been there a short time and today in a meeting with my manager she made the comment well, its been over a month and you are still here guess you are stuck with us, which wouldn't seem so strange but that is very similar to what she said at the end of my first week and was echoed by several members of the team. I don't know if in the past they have hired people that started the job and quit very soon or what, and I don't do that sort of thing, I have only left two jobs in less than than two years in my life one was as a cashier at a big retail store I lasted a day the was the short term job I just left and I am hating myself for it.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel like I should tell my job that I am unhappy because they are all so excited for me to be part of the team and all that I can bring to the organization but for me, I just am feeling stuck.

^I'd strongly suggest you give yourself way more than a month to assess whether it is this job and this career change that is upsetting you. It may well be but telling your employer anything like this ^ is never going to enhance the job/employer/employee relations.

You are very good at sitting with unfamiliar and unsettling situations and giving yourself time to make considered judgements. So do what you know and stay with it for a while longer. You do not have to stay with this job forever and ever.

 

[anthony]

Feel like crying, but I can't. Story of my life since PTSD. I could cry before PTSD, now... nope!

 

[FauxLiz]

^I'd strongly suggest you give yourself way more than a month to assess whether it is this job and this career change that is upsetting you. It may well be but telling your employer anything like this ^ is never going to enhance the job/employer/employee relations.

@blackemerald1 I appreciate the advice to hold off and not say anything to my employer, you are right it is not going to make things any better. I just feel guilty for not being as excited about this job as they all are about me having it. I realize that in almost every situation I would advise others to wait more than a month to assess whether or not a new job/career is a good fit and that seems like the most logical thing to do, however I don't see a way for me to change my mind. I feel as though I was mislead with both the job posting and my understanding of the role in the organization. It is not that I can't do the job and be successful, it is just that the actual job is not what I understood it to be from the posting and interview process. I took the position believing that it would be a new and different way for me to continue my passion of public service, what the job actually is, well it is sales. Yes public sector organizations and non-profits are our customer base but it still comes down to sales. While I can do the job (have been told often I would excel at it), it is not something that gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I struggle enough with depression, and I know I have had issues with jobs in the past frustrating and being a struggle but I never questioned the fact that every day the job/career field that I had chosen makes a difference in peoples lives. The reality is, sales does not do that, not really.

I have also realized that a significant part of my desire to leave my former career field came from external pressure from my FOO as they felt it had "warped" my views as I had my own opinions on public policy issues that were not consistent with their views and they have spent hours ridiculing and lecturing me in an attempt to bring me back into their fold in terms of public policy issues. I have experienced too much and seen too much to ever return to a mind set that individuals that don't have "obvious" disabilities/challenges are a drain on society. Of course many of my experiences in trauma came at their hands so I suppose it is logical that they can't find compassion for others the way that I do.

I am actively job searching, I have two basic criteria the first that I need to return to public service in order for me to obtain fulfillment from my job/career - what that looks like is open but working in the public sector is the first. The second is that whether it is in the next few weeks or two stops down the line I want to return to working in Florida. For the first time in my life, after more moves and living in four different states I no longer view my parent's home as my HOME. I want to return to Florida where I felt more relaxed, had begun resuming long lost hobbies and activities and where I felt at HOME.

 

[blackemerald1]

I feel as though I was mislead with both the job posting and my understanding of the role in the organization. It is not that I can't do the job and be successful, it is just that the actual job is not what I understood it to be from the posting and interview process. I took the position believing that it would be a new and different way for me to continue my passion of public service, what the job actually is, well it is sales.

^Now this ^^ isn't you crying - but rather you sorting out your feelings, identifying what the problem is, making considered judgements based on how well you know yourself. And yeah - being disappointed about what the 'real job' actually is - completely understandable. I had that happen to me just recently!

but I never questioned the fact that every day the job/career field that I had chosen makes a difference in peoples lives. The reality is, sales does not do that, not really.

^And this sounds like you have finally acknowledged, at least to yourself, that it really does matter what you do and why.

I have also realized that a significant part of my desire to leave my former career field came from external pressure from my FOO as they felt it had "warped" my views as I had my own opinions on public policy issues that were not consistent with their views and they have spent hours ridiculing and lecturing me in an attempt to bring me back into their fold in terms of public policy issues. I have experienced too much and seen too much to ever return to a mind set that individuals that don't have "obvious" disabilities/challenges are a drain on society. Of course many of my experiences in trauma came at their hands so I suppose it is logical that they can't find compassion for others the way that I do.

^This is understanding the pressures that forced you to make decisions in the past.

I am actively job searching, I have two basic criteria the first that I need to return to public service in order for me to obtain fulfillment from my job/career - what that looks like is open but working in the public sector is the first. The second is that whether it is in the next few weeks or two stops down the line I want to return to working in Florida. For the first time in my life, after more moves and living in four different states I no longer view my parent's home as my HOME. I want to return to Florida where I felt more relaxed, had begun resuming long lost hobbies and activities and where I felt at HOME.

^And this is you, looking to the future, acknowledging what you want and why and where. Well done you. :)

Good luck with the job hunting and I hope you find the job that will lead you on to your next role and home. Sometimes we don't need to cry @FauxLiz - sometimes we need to take action and this seems like it might be one of those moments for you.

 

[FauxLiz]

@blackemerald1 thank you so much for helping me to see that I do know what I want and that it is okay to want those things.