Had an interview yesterday, pretty sure I got it, and I'll start training next week. I will say, somehow, I must have grown, or changed, without really realizing it? Usually before interviews, I'm so nervous, and convinced that I won't get the job, they don't want me, omg, how to explain my work history and gaps, I'm a good employee, but also, a horrible one whose mental health gets in the way a lot. The past two interviews, I just didn't care. Like, I know I need a job, so it's imperative to do well at the interview, sell yourself Bananie! But, meh. No...wait, it just hit me. I was afraid to be me, but lately, I can't even fake anything. Wait, no, it was that I used to try to, and couldn't ever fake it, but felt I had to. Now I just don't bother.
I'm trying to think of where I've "gained ground", because I want to go back to old T. And I feel like he always thought I wasn't doing enough.
But also.... whenever I'm in an ok frame of mind, I think, do I even bother with therapy anymore? I'm fiiiine. WAIT! It's the JOURNEY not the destination. I don't have specific goals, really, but I like the journey of therapy.
omg why can I never FOCUS? Even on babbling trying to figure myself out?
"honest to the point of recklessness, self-centered to the extreme"
Ok, babbling doesn't have to be focused. It's babbling. Dur.
The real problem is that you don't really focus when you are supposed to focus. WRITE. You want to write. Draw. Businesses, market people. Hmmm I'm always switching between I and you.
That's probably not unusual. You're nothing special.
Well, no, you are. Everyone is. But.... people seem to regard me as extra special. And I don't hate it....and I feel like I deserve it.....but..... not. Or that it's a lot of pressure to live up to.
Except, that all it takes is...being myself. I'm adored. I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm practical, I'm kind, I'm resourceful and creative, and apparently my smile is something to behold, and my energy, my aura, my essence, is ....divine. lol.
booooooo the afternoon is upon us, and I have to go to mom's. She's pretty much my main...source of consternation.
Maybe I should ask this in a public forum, cause, I'm pretty sure, like, well, all mothers suck, right? They're the source of a lot of jokes. And I know nothing is normal, and aging. Basically, mom is a nutcase, I think, and I need to get over it. Stop letting her trap me, it's not her trapping me, it's me trapping me. Well, that goes back to not being able to fake things. I don't like her company. Unfortunately for her, not a lot of people seem to. So she's a lonely old lady. OMG. I used to always feel bad for old women, when people like, ignored them, and they were stuck in nursing homes. Maybe they did it to themselves. The weird thing is, on the surface, she seems like (as one of her doctors called her, she latched on to it, and my sister and I laugh like crazy about) "a very pleasant lady". But if you spend enough time with her....well, my aunt likened her to....what are those things in Harry Potter? The dementors?
Ok, off topic...but it's my bloody diary, there is no off topic for me!
I've been given the opportunity to be a domme. To be MEAN to a man. To humiliate, and hurt. I'm so used to being NICE. To avoid hurting anyone, mostly to avoid the karmic consequences. Also, because it feels wrong. But....if it's with their consent, nay, their wanting it to happen.... and, we all have light and dark in us, we have to acknowledge and sometimes be in the dark.....
hmmmmm.
I never really think of myself as an afraid person....but I really am... even of things that I've realized are not threats.
Or, is that really, it turns out everything can eventually turn bad, even when you're not expecting them to. But then things turn out good when they were gonna be bad.
HA! "I think I'm scared, I think too much, I know it's wrong, it's a problem I'm dealing." Oh Rob. You know everything.
Ok....stop rambling for now yo, do something.
