Feels Like I'm Waging A War

[Bananie]

Also, as time passes, it's becoming clearer that dbag isn't necessarily the biggest issue at the house. My friend.... I'm not feeling him right now. He claims to be all enlightened, but recently told me I'd have to give up orange is the new black if I wanted to be enlightened, because i wouldn't want drama. Also, I've been rewatching Charles in charge, and he stopped down to my "room" uninvited and without texting first, just knocking on my fake wall, I don't even remember the weirdness he was asking or why he really came down other than possibly to be snarky or something, and I was painting and also just did want to talk to him, so I wasn't paying attention to him, but he still stood there all weirdly, not picking up on the very obvious go away vibe, listened to a little of Charles in charge and made a sarcastic tsk noise, I said "what?" He said "idiotic". Fine, I guess I don't want to be enlightened, cause I like drama and idiotic comedy. f*ck off. Then he asked if the chair I was sitting in was new. I said, no. It's *yours*. He said it's not mine, meaning it's dbags, and I suspect, trying to stir the pot a little. Mind you, I've been sitting in this chair that's been down there since I got there, and he's seen me in the chair on numerous occasions. So why act like this is some f*cking surprise? Also, he's been on vacation from work, but didn't tell dbag. And I cant tell dbag, so, great, thanks for making me part of the lie. I love lying. Not. And neither should suck an enlightened being. Get mad at dbag for suspected cheating, and get revenge by lying and escape your own house.
And I'm feeling trapped, cause im barely even treading water, much less swimming and saving money and finding my own place. Something's gotta give. Sigh. And I know it will. I hope it's in a good way.

 

[ladee]

I want to thank you again sweetie for your post about survivor mode. You have no idea how your post has turned my life around. Forever grateful to you Bananiertuj. !!

So happy you got to see some one in person who got you thru horrible times in your life. And an autograph!

Forever special and meaningful.

The number 555 messed with me when I saw it. My ex had an obsession with that number on clocks. Freaked me outto seeit had meaning for you.

You are so very exceptional! That is always the word that comes to mind when I think of you. I can't help but wonder what a distinguished difference you are going to make on this earth when you discover your true purpose.
Always in my heart and thank you again for helping me more than you will ever know. Lots of hugs for you. If you accept. If not, put 'em in a pile and know Ladee honors you!

 

[Bananie]

You're welcome @ladee and also, thank YOU. I might say more, but came in to get a few things out lol. It's weird, I know you read this, and others may, but this still is definitely a diary, and, somehow easier than just writing in a notebook, so I'm writing not necessarily for anyone else. So I actually do apologize that I still haven't read your diary, and others, and other posts often, or know what to say back, cause I like, come in here, vomit out everything, then bounce out lol. But I appreciate you @ladee, and everyone on here. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Just got out of an appointment with the "new" therapist, and, I just miss old t even more. Thought I might've gotten over it, but, no, clearly not. I like this one, don't get me wrong. But.... I don't need someone necessarily to just listen and agree with everything I say. I want to be challenged. But.... I'm too afraid to call the new place old t is working and schedule and ask specifically for him. For one, I feel I'll be denied by them. Or worse....by him. It's just another instance of me wondering "am I being intuitive in thinking that's going to happen? Or am I putting that energy our there so that's why it would happen? Or am I just thinking wrong and it could actually happen?" And something I can't find out unless I bite the bullet at ask. But then say I actually can make an appointment with him.....then what happens. What do I say? I'm anticipating the weirdness of reconnecting with someone. Lol, though right after I typed that I immediately was like, lol bananie, it wouldn't even be weird. You two are like old friends who can just pick up where you left off. But do I need to pick up there? Is this obsession to go back just cause you don't like being left behind, or because you have unfinished business. Is being left behind the unfinished business? Am i just glorifying him? I put people on pedestals some times.
Ugh and break in, I'm sitting at the bus stop, and I'm so ITCHY. I want to be an outdoorsy person, but it's not climate controlled, and it's so itchy!!!!
Different train of thought.... yesterday at the bus stop, i was just standing there, not paying much attention, when i noticed a guy in a truck a few lanes over motioning at me to call him, i was like what? And he wanted me to go give him my number. I was like you have the arrow, and shrugged, he's like, I'll swing around, and actually did, and pulled up by the bus stop, got out of the truck, and gave me his card and said so I'll hear from you later, maybe a nice dinner. So I took the card and was kinda standing there, shocked, when another guy there was like, look at you! Stopping traffic! So I've been texting with the guy and we may hang out today. He's good looking and seems nice. We'll see how it goes. I'm worried that I have no money, which shouldn't matter, cause he invited me, but, I'm independent enough, or too much, that it bothers me. And I don't want him to think I'm assumptive, or a gold digger or anything. Also... say it's like pizza at his house.... I don't want to dress up.... But should I? Meh, why even bother. I'm just gonna be me, and if he doesn't like it, we wouldn't work out anyway. He's as much in audition time as I am.

 

[ladee]

Stopping traffic !!! You go girl... and no, don't go to his house for pizza, make the turd take you out somewhere nice.... spend some money on this girl new guy in the truck !!! She needs to feel special..

And Hope I didn't make you self conscious... but reading others, for me, helps me with my own stuff... not being a voyeur or anything creepy... but when I like someone, I like to get to know them... and no worries about not reading or posting... this is your safe space... and I think you can take your diary private.... if you feel safer that way... I would just bug you with PM"s then !!!!!

You remind me of a younger version of me... and I love the way you write as I have told you in the past... no apologies... just be yourself....

Hope you get to go somewhere fun and have a great time.... gentle hugs...

 

[Bananie]

Salty af right now. I just want to read, but in my old age, apparently I can't read in moving vehicles anymore or I get sick. Tried it anyway. Feeling pukey.
Woke up early, fine, had to go to the bank before work anyway. Before that I went to McDonald's and got coffee. Went to family dollar for tampons and Tylenol, cashier gave me 9 back instead of 10 back, and while I caught it while she was counting it out, pushover softie me didn't want to accuse, so, didn't count until later. On my way out i dropped my full cup of coffee. Went back to McDonald's, and the cashier there took pity I think and have me the second one. Got to the bank, they couldn't cash the check cause mom had cut the barcode off. As I was leaving the bank, tearing up out of frustration, I dropped the second cup of coffee. And burst into real tears. Then there was a fight on the bus. Had over an hour to wait for the bus to work, I'm sweaty af and grumpy, and I don't know what I'm doing in life that so much bs keeps happening. I know, i know. Shit happens. But I feel it's my fault. Ugh, apparently I can't type on a moving bus either. Maybe I'll get more out later. I need a plan.

 

[ladee]

Oh Bananie we are having mirroring day! Everything I have touched has either hit the floor, broke in my hand or spilled.
We are like little tornados today whirling and twirling our way thru the day in a world of our own where nothing makes sense and it's all our fault. I get it.
And since we are in the same space of confusion and nonsense...we will just have to encourage each other.
Then look up at each other and burst out laughing because we both know this is one of our 'good' days.
You are not alone. I am trying to stay in one spot as to keep the destruction to a minimum.

So will save my usual hug for another day in case I stumble and fall on you.
Then we would both have serious problems. We would get locked up for the hysterical laughing and crying.:roflmao::arghh;:roflmao::arghh;:roflmao::arghh;:poop:

 

[Bananie]

Lmao thanks @ladee , I'm at least chuckling through my tears now. Hugs to you too! Who cares if we fall on each other? Lol

 

[ladee]

At least as we were seeing if anything was broken we would completely understand the sobbing and hysterical laughter!

Hang in there. If you get another coffee just stand At the counter and drink it.

 

[Bananie]

I wish I was like other people, and when I left work early it was for a fun reason, like, oh, just playing hooky, goin to the beach, or a concert, or out. No, I leave work because i can't stop crying. No good reason to cry. Just existentially angsty. And I just end up at "home" berating myself for not being "normal" enough to keep a normal job. And how im letting people down. I guess I'm just full of self pity. Without wanting to be. I don't even know what I saying. I don't know anything. Ever. I suck at everything. I know that's not true. I just don't understand why I can't pull myself together. To keep the functioning consistent.

 

[Bananie]

When did I start taking everything so gosh darn seriously?

 

[ladee]

When we learned that the pain and memories were real. when we started the grief process of healing.. when our world as we knew it , was turned upside down and nothing looked familiar. When we didn't recognize our self in our own life.... when we finally got it we were going to have to work to fix damage others caused....
And when we learned that it doesn't always have to be serious.. we don't have to always be serious... nothing stops us from having fun.. from laughing... from avoiding it all sometimes.... we have to , or we would never make it thru..... I live alone and I make my self laugh all the time.... yes, I talk to myself, but I am the only one that gives me the answers I want to hear.... lol....

You are doing good @Bananie , doing good doesn't always feel good.... but for every tear shed, it makes room for happiness and healing to take it's place..... it does happen. It does change, we change... and we learn to laugh all over again.
gentle hugs to you....

 

[Bananie]

Ok. Time to get myself less foggy....I hope.
Left work early Monday, called in Tuesday. Ended up going to open interviews and getting a job offer, training starts 8/26 ,fingers crossed. It'll be the best paying job I've had in years. Oh wow, that just clicked as I typed that. I've been again trying to sort myself out, and see patterns and if I've been living my whole life over in these past three years, I had just realized, wow, my old T was almost like a father figure I guess, and the last time I saw him was the same date as the last time I saw my father the year he died. After dad died, I moved back in with mom, leaving the job I got after college that was my last high paying job. Maybe I'm going the opposite way. I had a "corrective experience" with old t on father side, now this one could be corrective on mom side. I ended up calling new t yesterday, saying sorry for calling, just, been stuck. haven't been to work. freaking out. She said, don't be sorry, you're a survivor, and go do something nice for yourself. Do something fun. I was going to go back to work today, but my team lead replied to my email yesterday ("won't be in. can't get out of bed"), and said he took me off the schedule for today. Who gives up a free day? I'm thinking of going to my old job, to take an art class. The coworker I had the issue with won't be there, but everyone else I love and miss will. I've been isolating waaaayyyyyy too much.
Friend who owns the house said yesterday that "he has a bombshell to drop, and he wants everyone there." again, for being all enlightened, and telling me I'd have to stop watching orange is the new black and other shows because I wouldn't want the drama when I was enlightened, he sure likes drama. My guess is he's selling the house and kicking us all out. K. Whatevs. Can't fault him, not mad.
screw it. i'm going on an "adventure" day.