Scandinavgirl
Bronze Member
I have been together with the same man for 7 years, and we have a 4-year old together.
A couple of years ago, I began to address problems related to my childhood: Being raised by a mother who I think of as slightly narcissistic and tyrannically today. There was emotional, and also mild physical abuse (meaning leaving no marks or much physical pain). She controlled, and still does to some extent, the atmosphere in the house. But it was important to her, that we kept up an good appearance, so the local society would not think bad of us. She treated us kids like extensions of herself. My father has his faults, but he was more calm and nice, so I felt more closely attached to him.
It took me a while to understand, what an impact my upbringing had on me until it started to haunt me and I went to see a therapist and became more aware that I have some mild dissociation problems of different sorts, and that I could not (still working on it) "feel myself", stand up for myself. Instead I have become very aware of others feelings. I also understood, that I have kept these experiences from my childhood as a secret, not even being able to tell my boyfriend about it. Maybe it is worth mentioning; I am not "sick" as such, but I was almost not functioning a short while a couple of years ago. I am no longer seeing a therapist, but I recently started body therapy.
When I met my current boyfriend and father of my child, I was not much aware of these wounds.
Later, I find myself starting to lack some close connection to my boyfriend. I saw him as a kind person, and I still do. But we have so many communications and dynamic-problems, that really started to get to me at this point.
I find myself doubting what the reality is with him - just like I doubted what the reality was my with my family (or choosing too look beyond it). When searching for answers related to my childhood-problems, I began to doubt his intentions. I almost always just thought of him like a "weirdo", which I of course liked (and still does in a way).
First of all, he is dominating communications-wise - which means, that I, as a more quiet and calm person, feels intruded and overheard. I feel like he can`t calm down and just "Listen" to me. Sometimes I interpreted this as lack of affection towards me. When I try to open up about stuff that is sensitive, I often feel like I do not get emphatic reactions also. Which causes me to shelter myself.
He also has a temper - he is never violent, but sometimes he gets angry on "stuff"/things with me as a witness. Then I feel either fear or blasè/passive and doubt if its intentional in some way.
He also have a tendency to dominate the atmosphere with his temper and mood. At least, it feels like this. And this makes me afraid that I am "closing" myself and adjust by being calm, pleasing and passive, just like in my childhood.
Unfortunately, I also feel that he lacks some social skills, often leaving me to feel slightly humiliated in social settings. He can typically make a sarcastic or less emphatic statement, where he makes himself look bad. On a few occasions, I have also felt that he has devalued me in front of others. I have tried to talked to him about it, but he does not seem to fully understand this, which I then interpret as a lack of empathy towards me. These feelings also makes me feel guilty, because I do not want to be too aware of what others think of me, or see him as an extension of myself (like my mother).
Last summer, we were on a break, but still living together (long story), and he then got a sick habit in coming into my bedroom while I was sleeping and touch me "down there". When I woke up, he sneaked out of the bedroom, clearly trying to hide. I talked to him about it, and he was ashamed and sad (which I saw). Still, he continued to do this a few times. Also one time after we got back together.
I of course understand, that since taking a break was my initiative, he felt helpless and depressed. Therefore, I eventually chose not to blame him for this.
I have wondered if he lacks some empathy and social intelligence.
When all this is said. What makes me stay with him, is also his humor, his way of viewing the world, his intelligence and of course, that we have a son together. He also has other positive traits.
But at the same time, I feel that I lack empathy in my relationship. He push my buttons , maybe cross my limits, and constantly makes me doubt him. I feel ashamed for sometimes despise him for his special appearance also. And that is my problem.
Maybe I am just writing this to try to make sense of it - I have a tendency to doubt him so much, that I (without telling him) consider if he intentionally wants to dominate and control me in weird, subtle ways.
How do I start to change the dynamic between us? How do I talk to him and work with this?
I am still a bit vague and resilient, but trying to be strong and mark my limits though.
I dream about a more calm, intimate and warm relationship with mutual respect.
Any thoughts on any of this is much appreciated.
A couple of years ago, I began to address problems related to my childhood: Being raised by a mother who I think of as slightly narcissistic and tyrannically today. There was emotional, and also mild physical abuse (meaning leaving no marks or much physical pain). She controlled, and still does to some extent, the atmosphere in the house. But it was important to her, that we kept up an good appearance, so the local society would not think bad of us. She treated us kids like extensions of herself. My father has his faults, but he was more calm and nice, so I felt more closely attached to him.
It took me a while to understand, what an impact my upbringing had on me until it started to haunt me and I went to see a therapist and became more aware that I have some mild dissociation problems of different sorts, and that I could not (still working on it) "feel myself", stand up for myself. Instead I have become very aware of others feelings. I also understood, that I have kept these experiences from my childhood as a secret, not even being able to tell my boyfriend about it. Maybe it is worth mentioning; I am not "sick" as such, but I was almost not functioning a short while a couple of years ago. I am no longer seeing a therapist, but I recently started body therapy.
When I met my current boyfriend and father of my child, I was not much aware of these wounds.
Later, I find myself starting to lack some close connection to my boyfriend. I saw him as a kind person, and I still do. But we have so many communications and dynamic-problems, that really started to get to me at this point.
I find myself doubting what the reality is with him - just like I doubted what the reality was my with my family (or choosing too look beyond it). When searching for answers related to my childhood-problems, I began to doubt his intentions. I almost always just thought of him like a "weirdo", which I of course liked (and still does in a way).
First of all, he is dominating communications-wise - which means, that I, as a more quiet and calm person, feels intruded and overheard. I feel like he can`t calm down and just "Listen" to me. Sometimes I interpreted this as lack of affection towards me. When I try to open up about stuff that is sensitive, I often feel like I do not get emphatic reactions also. Which causes me to shelter myself.
He also has a temper - he is never violent, but sometimes he gets angry on "stuff"/things with me as a witness. Then I feel either fear or blasè/passive and doubt if its intentional in some way.
He also have a tendency to dominate the atmosphere with his temper and mood. At least, it feels like this. And this makes me afraid that I am "closing" myself and adjust by being calm, pleasing and passive, just like in my childhood.
Unfortunately, I also feel that he lacks some social skills, often leaving me to feel slightly humiliated in social settings. He can typically make a sarcastic or less emphatic statement, where he makes himself look bad. On a few occasions, I have also felt that he has devalued me in front of others. I have tried to talked to him about it, but he does not seem to fully understand this, which I then interpret as a lack of empathy towards me. These feelings also makes me feel guilty, because I do not want to be too aware of what others think of me, or see him as an extension of myself (like my mother).
Last summer, we were on a break, but still living together (long story), and he then got a sick habit in coming into my bedroom while I was sleeping and touch me "down there". When I woke up, he sneaked out of the bedroom, clearly trying to hide. I talked to him about it, and he was ashamed and sad (which I saw). Still, he continued to do this a few times. Also one time after we got back together.
I of course understand, that since taking a break was my initiative, he felt helpless and depressed. Therefore, I eventually chose not to blame him for this.
I have wondered if he lacks some empathy and social intelligence.
When all this is said. What makes me stay with him, is also his humor, his way of viewing the world, his intelligence and of course, that we have a son together. He also has other positive traits.
But at the same time, I feel that I lack empathy in my relationship. He push my buttons , maybe cross my limits, and constantly makes me doubt him. I feel ashamed for sometimes despise him for his special appearance also. And that is my problem.
Maybe I am just writing this to try to make sense of it - I have a tendency to doubt him so much, that I (without telling him) consider if he intentionally wants to dominate and control me in weird, subtle ways.
How do I start to change the dynamic between us? How do I talk to him and work with this?
I am still a bit vague and resilient, but trying to be strong and mark my limits though.
I dream about a more calm, intimate and warm relationship with mutual respect.
Any thoughts on any of this is much appreciated.
