Poll Have You Forgiven The People Who Hurt You

[Sethe]

This is a tough question for me. Part of me has forgiven and part of me is still stuck in denial.

I can understand some of the factors which may have affected my father's violent attacks. They were never appropriate or justified in any way, but I can understand why he was so unbalanced.

My mother? I don't know. I've been harboring a lot of anger against her. I've been slowly building boundaries and moving away from her because she is unhealthy. She has history of putting me down to elevate herself (telling me that I have bad genes from my father because he's sick in the head, but her side is perfect, etc), well, so does my father. Sometimes I think she may be more unbalanced than him. It just manifests differently with her.

I don't know. I'd like to try to forgive them, but I am still aching and wounded inside from it all. They also do not want to change the relationship dynamic. They still want me under their thumb. I suppose if I get to the point of forgiveness, then I can just build up a huge damn wall.

 

[seedling]

I think I would like to be able to forgive, someday. Right now I can't and I won't make myself try - it just has to be there.
I am trying to deal with the anger and that will be enough - maybe when that is dealt with and fathomed the forgiveness will form itself. I haven't even been able to feel all the anger yet.
I'm also still not sure exactly what it is that needs to be forgiven - don't understand their attitude toward what happened. As sea put it: they don't deserve to be released from their guilt and responsibility.

 

[Banana2]

I would like to learn to forgive because it's ruining my life. I think that my fiance and the previous tenant had an affair and now she is prego. In my heart of hearts I believe he and she are both guilty, but I have no proof. I have even gone to the extent of asking him and he says no in a round about way.

I think that forgiveness is very hard no matter what you try to do. It's a very challenging task. I think that in order to be able to be free and forgive the people who hurt us we need to forgive ourseleves for being angry and damaging our personal space.

If people would admit their faults and, may be we can be free to forgive, but when they refuse to admit their wrongs, it's hard to forgive.

I've had friends do things to me, and yet I still remained friends with them, but at a distance. I forgave them. I had other friends say you're really great and how can you hang out with those people still -- but forgiveness is a hard choice we all have to make. Ultimately, I think that forgiveness is not for them, but for OUR state of mind -- to help US move on, not them. In time they will all face their own guilt in their own ways.

 

[ProductOfSociety]

I have forgiven my mother, because for so long I blamed her for everything I had been through, caused from her bad decision making. However I have not forgiven any of those directly involved with hurting me. I never will. They don't deserve it. There are 4 men in my life that I will never forgive and if given the chance I would love to tell them off.

 

[hazen]

I had to select other. My parents were my abusers and I still see them from time to time, which is more often than I would like. I feel like this somehow effects my ability to think about it as a matter of something to forgive.

Actually this question makes me feel very odd. The idea of forgiving them hadn't really entered my mind. I feel like I would have to blame them first, and I suppose in a way I don't? This is weird. Am I supposed to hate my parents? They abused me, were terrible at supporting me, and I know all of this... but even today on the phone my mother said, as she repeatedly does, "you are my sunshine". Do you know how much of a mind#*@+ this is? I usually think to myself "and you aren't my sunshine" and I immediately get guilty as hell. How am I supposed to forgive them when I shame myself for blaming them?

Clearly I am not in a good place with this right now. Maybe I should go thru a few more years of therapy and then answer again.

 

[Gamereign555]

I have forgiven one of them, the other I haven't.
It's very odd that lately I have had dreams that I am hanging out with this person I haven't forgiven, they are always friendly encounters even though I hate this person.

 

[GhostedGirl]

I never made a conscious effort to forgive my family. I believe forgiveness is a symptom of how you feel- not an action. When you are able to fully heal and move on from your pain- that's when you forgive. If you try to force forgiveness you can often end up resenting them and hating yourself for it. I think families especially can put pressure on us to "forgive and forget", and suddenly because you haven't forgiven a family member YOUR the problem. It's absurd.

I really recommend a video by Psychologist Daniel Mackler on Forgiveness and Blame. They really helped me.

 

[LeavingItBehind]

Q. Have you forgiven your perpetrators and if you did, has it helped you?

My main perp(father) & mother that did nothing, knowing it was going on both died (I figure God took care of those two), but family that keeps the abuse going, I haven't, as it has rescently reared it's ugly head again, involving just about all my family members, including my adult kids who know about it.

I wish I'd never shared as a couple of family members in particular who know about it have kept the abuse going for their own purposes.

I hold people responsible for their own actions & those that carry it on are responsible for their own actions, so my answer is yes & no... Difficult to forgive someone who is terrorizing you because they have something they can use to hurt you. I'm 1 step from 2 restraining orders & probably a civil suit as well as I'm typing this.

I'm hoping it just stops, but if it doesn't, I'll be filing very soon.

Yes, feeling & working through the pain is normal, even after my parents died. I have a sister that hasn't even acknowledged her abuse & yet can't remember her childhood.

I have moved on from those who are gone, but those who continue it currently, nope!

It's torn our family apart, but then what can you expect?

 

[LeavingItBehind]

I wish I had the ability to walk away 100% but for now I'm working on forgiving myself for not being a caring daughter and setting up boundaries!

It is NOT your fault at all!

Breaking away is the most freeing thing I ever did. I wish I'd never reconnected. My son wanted to & then after he did, he didn't want anything to do with his aunt, but tolerates her. He's married now to a gal that has a MS degree in social work/psychology & she can't imagine not having family around....

Goes to show they don't teach this in universities! She was in the top of her class & is clueless about this stuff.

When my son & I broke away from the rest of the family, we were both a LOT happier. He says now he's depressed, doesn't sleep well, etc. and yet gets himsel involved in the gossip & even blew up at me & was extremely abusive, calling me names & everything a few weeks ago. He's NEVER done that & I'm concerned about him & his marriage, but I haven't seen a lot of him since my daughter (a product of the abuse) was abusing her own kids & I had been watching the grandkids, until she went on a drug binge & was allowing her daughter & son to be abused, and I filed for custody of her kids... became a very nasty legal mess & my health clearly deteriorated & I had another health problem show up. Was like a "war of the Roses", only far worse.

I asked my son later why he blew up at me & just about walked away from him for life (I still may)... All he could say was, "I don't know". I hope he gets help... he clearly needs it. His father committed suicide when he was in grade school. He, I believe, was also an abuse victim. He took it VERY hard, and even though that was many years ago, it doesn't matter. I know he felt his dad missing at his wedding.

Anyhow, getting ANY abusive people out of your life is extremely helpful. I'm looking forward to things being peaceful again!

I don't spend the holidays with family, except my daughter-in-law's family & I don't stay long.

I've made family out of friends who understand & we never even talk about it, but they know & know it's painful, so we just don't talk about it & we have a good time together... help each other through the rough times & go on from there.

 

[ronin47]

I have forgiven them all for the most part. It's an ongoing process. As someone once put it, "Forgiving someone close to you is like peeling an onion. Just when you think you're done, you find there's another layer to get to."

 

[Linda Lee Bogard - King]

I have forgiven those who changed my world forever but I can never forgive them for the aftermath my children endure because it (forgiveness) is not mine to give.

 

[freakofnurture]

Maybe, one day, far down the road of my healing journey, I'll realise 'Hey, you know what? I no longer wish my p*rents would die horrible deaths while I also feel guilty for that wish. In fact, I no longer hold anything against them.'

But that's not something I am working towards, or something I'll knowingly waste energy on.