Justmehere
Sponsor
It probably will come up a lot for awhile. If you can, try to remember that he is talking more about his insecurities, than anything you are doing. He’s not going to fully realize this for awhile, and you probably can’t help him realize this. Especially not by asking questions to prompt him to realize it.
He’s very insecure about feeling like he is broken and needs to be fixed (and probably his sense that it is hopeless anyhow.) He is going to feel like that for awhile, no matter what you do. (I know, this SUCKS and is totally unfair to you.) It takes a lot of time to work through deep insecurities like that. It takes a lot of patience on the side of the supporter, and a lot of work on the side of the sufferer.
Ever heard the idea that someone "protests too much?" If someone is constantly premptively and defensively declaring "I am not this" ... chances are, they really actually feel like they are that very thing they are claiming so adamantly they are not.
This seems like that kind of situation. He keeps trying to preemptively accuse you of trying to fix him, no matter what you do, because it's not really about you or that he feels he doesn't need to be fixed. He probably actually feels really strongly that he needs to be fixed and there is no way to do that, so it's a very painful thought.
I went through a tough season where I felt like everyone who knew me wanted to fix me. I took in everything as yet SOMETHING ELSE I was just a broken mess about that needed to be fixed, and I got defensive about it, a bit like him. Trauma sends a very LOUD message that the victim of the trauma is broken beyond repair. Broken to the very core. This is a distorted thought, but it’s one sufferers often believe. Many people believe it because it pushes away the pain of the truth.
For me, it was a defense mechanism to go around telling everyone stop trying to fix me. If the problem was that everyone was trying to fix me, then I could ignore my very deep belief there was a problem I could not fix, and that problem was the pain I was in.
The thing that turned it around for me was telling a supporter in my life that I was sick of everyone trying to fix me, yet again…
...and this supporter replied, “You are not broken. You don’t need to be fixed.”
It stopped me in my tracks. Most everyone responded with trying to tell me that of course they were trying to fix me, don't I want to feel better? I was so broken in xyz ways….
But this supporter, said the thing I least expected. Directly and clearly.
It caught my attention. They repeated it. I started to listen to them, REALLY listen, and they explained, “You don’t need to be fixed. You are not broken. You need to make some changes, and work through this grief and the pain of the trauma, but YOU (justmehere) are not broken. YOU don’t need to be fixed.”
See the difference?
When this supporter pointed this out to me, it broke down my defenses. They and I both knew things needed to change and that I was in a world of pain, and they didn’t ignore that fact at all. But they also didn’t inadvertently fuel the lie in my head that I am damaged beyond repair. They accepted me, without condoning my behavior that was destructive to my life. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
He doesn’t see the difference between the two things right now. You might be able to help him see it, if he is ready to see it.
I know you miss him a lot. He is lucky to have someone like you who cares so much. I hope you are finding some comfort in the middle of missing him, and holding any boundaries around what you need and what behavior you will and will not allow into your life. I hope that he can see how much you do care for him soon. :hug:
