General Help!! I Finally Know What Happened And I'm Not Sure How To Deal With It.

[Milo's papa]

My wife was diagnosed with cPTSD and DID about 7 years ago with all of her trauma memories repressed.

Now she has written an autobiography that describes some of what she went through as a child and young adult. She and her T felt that it was critical for our kids a I to read it so we can understand what she has been dealing with all this time.

When she was first diagnosed we had been married for over 25 years. Now I have learned that everything I was told about her past was a lie, half truth, contained serious omissions, and created such double standards that I'm not even sure that the person I'm with is the person I married.

Intellectually I understand why this happened, but I'm still having a hard time dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still madly in love with her, but sometimes I don't know which person I'm in love with. Is it the girl with the past that I was told about then, the girl with the repressed memories and DID that I've known for over half my life, the woman she has become now, or some combination of all of the above. I just don't know anymore.

It makes me sad to the point of tears to even have these thoughts when I know what she had to endure, but I can't seem to stop these questions from running around in my head.

If there is anyone out there with any ideas how to deal with this problem, Please help me.

 

[Almost There]

Your honesty is to be commended. I am sure that this has been a lot to take in. I don't know what the answer will be for you. All I can say, having been where your wife is, I needed and still need the unwavering support of family and friends. Knowing that I have those close to me who are there for me no matter what has ensured that I have been able to grow into the person I was meant to be ... And I am still growing and learning. Knowing that those close to me don't hold me responsible for what happened and that I can face things I wanted to run from has helped me improve my life in so many ways.

 

[A concerned spouse]

I have been married for 33 years and knew my husband didn't have a good childhood but had no idea what a horrific one he had until just recently. He was diagnosed with PTSD/ADHD a year ago and since in therapy, I gave gotten bird and pieces of his REALLY childhood. First off, I think as spouses we are hurt because they never shared it with us and we are the closest one to them. There is a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. But what I've learned it that many things they have repressed, they also as children had to hold onto secrets and never knew how to let those secrets out. It's a learned behavior. My husband did what he had to do to survive emotionally and since I had the perfect childhood I can't say I wouldnt have kept the same secrets. What I do know is that I love him for who he is, whatever that may be in the moment. I'm proud of him for working hard in therapy to pull out repressed memories so he can have peace in his life. I love him for trying to shield me from his pain, even though it wasn't necessary. I love him for loving me when he felt incapable of love and for trusting me to love him when no onw elsee ever did. So my advice to you is to not take it personally because it was not about hiding things from you, it was all about survival. Just love her!

 

[illusionist]

My partner knows very little about my past....he loves me for the person I am now...just how it should be. Why should someone's secrets of the past matter?

It is who she is now that matters.

 

[Gadgie]

Not sure on that one Illusionist, when I first met my late wife, she wouldn't accept a compliment from me at all, which worried me a bit.

But then she told me how her ex husband abused her and called her ugly, so often that she actually believed in the end.

Had she not told me that, it could have turned out to be a much bigger problem in our relationship.

We were always open and honest with each other, no secrets, we were soul mates.....still are.

 

[illusionist]

Good point Gadgie.....I suppose I've managed to get through a lot by just saying " it's from the past" without needing to explain, he's just accepted.

 

[Justmehere]

My wife was diagnosed with cPTSD and DID about 7 years ago with all of her trauma memories repressed.
Now she has written an autobiography that describes some of what she went through as a child and young adult. She and her T felt that it was critical for our kids a I to read it so we can understand what she has been dealing with all this time.

I am not sure I could ever do this AND share it with my loved ones. I am not sure I would want them to ever know all of it. It's not because I want to hide anything from my partner or family, but because I am not sure I could handle them knowing. I can barely handle knowing it myself.

I commend your wife for going to such great lengths to put her life story together, and to share it with you. Sharing it with you is a brave act, and it seems like you are having a really understandable reaction to it.

It might be helpful to keep in mind that secondary traumatization and/or a grief reaction may or may not be playing a role in what you are feeling about everything right now. Finding out what has happened to a loved one can create a whole set of feelings and emotions such as anger, fear, depression, anxiety, confusion, etc.Secondary/vicarious traumatization is something trauma therapists can struggle with as a result of knowing their client's histories. Loved ones of trauma survivors can suffer this as well. Losing the old understanding of how things were can also bring on a season of grief - which can include anger, sadness, feelings of betryal etc.

It's ok to feel everything that you are feeling right now. Of course I am not saying it's ok to be a jerk about what has happened (and I don't think you are) but it's ok to feel angry, upset, sad, confused, etc. It's important to acknowledge those feelings are there and give yourself time and space to work through them.

You are taking a great step by reaching out here to others for advice and input.

I highly recommend that you seek out individual therapy for yourself and possibly for your children too. Even if you intellectually understand all of this, you may still need to work through your own emotions about all of this with the help of a therapist of your own. I recommend most PTSD supporters seek out their own support. This is not because anything is wrong with them, but because most people could use support when supporting someone with PTSD.

I have a friend who went to therapy after she found out what I went through because she was very shaken to find out such things happened, and happened to me, a friend she cared for deeply. There were even moments where she was angry at me, and didn't understand why. She later said she thought it was really anger about the trauma happening at all.

It broke my heart to know that just knowing what has happened to me really upset her. There was nothing wrong with her reaction or needing extra help to cope with it all. Heck, it's been a doozy for me to deal with. That's why my brain dissociated it out in the first place - too painful to know.

My wife was diagnosed with cPTSD and DID about 7 years ago with all of her trauma memories repressed.

When she was first diagnosed we had been married for over 25 years. Now I have learned that everything I was told about her past was a lie, half truth, contained serious omissions, and created such double standards that I'm not even sure that the person I'm with is the person I married.

I want to gently remind you that not sharing things someone doesn't remember due to repression of memories is different than deliberately not tell you things she did know and remember. It's different than intentionally misleading you.

She may have also intentionally mislead you. I don't condone this at all. I can understand it. It's hard to even admit to myself the trauma I have been through. It's very painful to face. I have not ever lied to get out of it - but I have been so steeped in my own denial that I have said I had a good childhood to myself and others when I didn't have a good childhood. I said that my family was great when it was a nightmare.

I wanted to believe it was a great family and childhood and not admit the pain of what happened to myself and others, even when I did remember all the bad stuff that happened. I called it a good family for years until I was finally safe enough to admit to myself the truth.

If she has been deliberately seeking to give you an impression of the past that is different from the truth as she knew it at the time, then that is a matter that would naturally affect your trust in her. It is also understandable that it may take a little time for you to rebuild your trust in her if she has been deliberately consciously outright lying to you. Marriage counseling or sessions with a therapist together might help both of you forge ahead.

This is new-ish ground for her as well. She used to have one understanding of her childhood, and now through recovering the memories, she has a whole new understanding. Just imagine the shock she has been working through too. It's her own life, and over the past 7 years, she is now remembering it for the first time. Her own understanding and knowledge of her own life and her own self has probably been turned upside down, and instead of hiding this from you, she is doing what she can to share as much as possible of it with you.

It's a really shocking experience for the survivor to remember things later on. For me, it feels like my own mind has betrayed me by hiding from me what happened. I can understand why you feel wronged too. Feeling wronged doesn't mean your wife has actually wronged you. Dissociation never makes it ok to lie, but it's very different than deliberate dishonesty.

You and her actually may be able to relate and connect in your mutual struggle to deal with this. Tragedy tends to pull marriages together or apart. Try to seek all the support you can so that perhaps you can pull together through this horrible reality.

Intellectually I understand why this happened, but I'm still having a hard time dealing with it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still madly in love with her, but sometimes I don't know which person I'm in love with. Is it the girl with the past that I was told about then, the girl with the repressed memories and DID that I've known for over half my life, the woman she has become now, or some combination of all of the above. I just don't know anymore.

It makes me sad to the point of tears to even have these thoughts when I know what she had to endure, but I can't seem to stop these questions from running around in my head.
If there is anyone out there with any ideas how to deal with this problem, Please help me.

There is such deep courage and pain in what you write. My heart goes out to you.

It may take some time to adjust to this new normal, new understanding of the past, and new aspects to your relationship with your wife now.

Try to engage all the good self care and support that you can as you walk through this time. It may sound stupid, but things like eating well and getting rest and exercise can help endure this time better.

The old understanding of life has been lost, and it's ok to be confused and hurt about it. Try not to lose sight of the fact that not all is lost. This is an opportunity for the two of you to work out a new path to forge ahead, together with a new understanding of the past.

This is all so easy to say, and yet I know it is hard to do. I think it's great you are here reaching out for support and input. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

@Milo's papa , after 25 years, I think what matters is how you would feel if she was no longer in your life tomorrow, & the quality of your marriage, communication/ commitment/ connection/ honesty/ devotion or lack of, etc now. The rest, ultimately, is the past that brought her to where she is now. JMHO though.

 

[scout86]

I have to admit, this is a point of view I'd never considered.

I have a client who's an Iraq war vet. One day we were talking about the war, and the effects war has on a person, about PTSD etc. At one point, he looked off into the distance, the past, I think, and said "There's stuff that happens there that needs to stay there. No one should have to hear it, it's better to just keep it to yourself." I knew EXACTLY what he meant. Maybe I can't explain it, but it's like the silence is a wall that protects the present, and the people in it, for what happened.

I wonder if this isn't a more complicated issue that it seems to be, for the people on both sides of it.

 

[Milo's papa]

Your honesty is to be commended. I am sure that this has been a lot to take in. I don't know what t...

Hi Almost There, thank you for your thoughts. You're right it has been an awful lot to take in. It's like I'm with a totally different person than I was led to believe.

I can see the growth and change in my wife and that helps keep me strong, That was the biggest motivation for her to write her book, she wants others who have PTSD to know that there is hope for a better life.

 

[Milo's papa]

I have to admit, this is a point of view I'd never considered.

I have a client who's an Iraq war vet....

To say that it's more complicated would (for me at least) be a cop-out. When we first met and for years after that I was told that her father was this great guy who worked for the U.N. Now I know that he was not only a pedophile, but also gave up his own young child to be used in a government brainwashing experiment.

It gets a lot worse, but even though she has published her memoir, it is not something she nor I are willing to talk about over the phone, through the mail, or on the internet.

 

[A concerned spouse]

I was told the same thing for years. I believed my husbands family was normal. I couldn't however understand my husbands anger or disconnect and the roller coaster ride of life living with someone with PTSD, that I was unaware of. But I have to admit when I was around his step father, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. I always trusted my gut and never allowed my children alone with him. Thank God! It was my husbands sister that let bits and pieces out and then when he started therspy a year ago, more and more came out and I know there is still so much more to come. But he did tell me that he never wanted to bring up the past because he thought I would leave or never give him the chance in the first place. He's probably right so I'm thankful because I truly love him and could not imagine my life without him. It's hasn't been easy by any means but it's formed me into a stronger person.