General Help!! I Finally Know What Happened And I'm Not Sure How To Deal With It.

[Milo's papa]

I am not sure I could ever do this AND share it with my loved ones. I am not sure I would want them t...

Thank you Justmehere, what you have given me is priceless. I truly appreciate everything you said.

There is so much more to the story than what I can share over the internet, and way more than she wrote in her autobiography, but I don't want to know any more than I do now. I don't think I could handle it without my heart totally shattering. I feel so sorry for her having to go through what I do know that it tears me up inside, (I think it would for any person with a soul). I have lived through 7 years of the most horrific nightmares anyone can imagine as she flashes back to that time in her life.

I do have a T of my own, have had for almost 3 years now. But she just doesn't quite get it. She is working with my wife T to help her understand better so I feel there is hope there. But in the mean time I need to lean on people that do get it so that I can continue to be the type of support(er) that my wife needs.

I love her and want to help her get through this. But I know that I can't do it alone, so once again I thank you for what you have given me. It truly does help.

 

[Milo's papa]

I was told the same thing for years. I believed my husbands family was normal. I couldn't h...

I always knew that my wife's mother was extremely abusive. I supported my wife as she went through 3 years of therapy to deal with her. We never allowed her to be alone with our kids when she came to visit, in fact I through her out of our home when she crashed through the boundaries that were set in place before she was allowed to visit,
I never knew that her father was even worse. The things he did to her and her siblings are the stuff nightmares are made of, (and believe me) in the past 7 years there have been enough of them.

 

[scout86]

To say that it's more complicated would (for me at least) be a cop-out.

I guess I don't see it as a "cop out", I see it as a fact. It IS complicated. At least it seems that way to me.

Now, my situation is different than you wife's. I don't have repressed memories or DID. If someone asks about my childhood, they'll get a vague version of the truth. They won't get details. I don't think I owe anyone details and, at least for the most part, I don't think people need them and especially I don't think they REALLY want them. And seeing how traumatic this has been for you kind of makes me think I'm right in that. There are some things people might THINK they want to know, but I'm not so sure they do. And it seems reasonable to me to keep all that stuff locked up in my own brain where it won't disturb anyone else.

But, what you said made me aware that maybe someone MIGHT have a reason to think I owed them details. That's useful information and food for thought.

Then, there's the whole question of "when do you toss all this stuff out for discussion?". Certainly not on the first date, I would think. But when? And how? Isn't it going to change how people see you? Won't they see you as "damaged" or "fragile" or something? And, in some ways, the longer you wait the harder it gets. It's not an easy conversation, even if you have most of the knowledge clear in your own head. It sounds like maybe your wife let you in on stuff as soon and as well as she knew how. I can imagine it must have been a shock to find out that her life "before" wasn't what you'd thought it was. It must have been kind of a shock for her too.

The good news is, she DID live through all that, and came out the other side, and now she has a husband and kids who love her. Which is a pretty good way to end up.

 

[Sammyiam]

I can really feel for the both of you, as I have been married nearly 30 years as well, and we have had to manage similar to you. We had been married maybe 8 odd years it's hard to remember back that far, and I had never said a word about my past. I had never said a word to anyone not one soul. I was starting to fall to pieces and then told him. For me it was a disaster. I don't think what I went through would happen to many. Will I hope not. But when I told my husband our best and most closest friend and his wife was also there and the next night we went out and I have no idea what had got into him ( maybe he thought well it's happened before so why not again ) but he locked me in a room and did to me what I had been through as a child, so not only did my husband find out about my past but had to deal with his very closest friend doing unthinkable things as well. It was a very big shock for him and I felt terrible.

I felt like I had betrayed him, I felt dirty, I felt like I had lied to him our whole married life, I felt I wasn't the person he had meet and fell in love with, I felt like a terrible mother to our children, I felt I had lost him his very closest friend that he had grown up with, as if I hadn't told them that wouldn't have happened that night, we haven't spoken to any of that family in over twenty years, I felt I had let him down so badly. I asked him for a divorce as I said I was to dirty and not the person he had meet and married. We had a very rocky couple of years, not because he was mad at me but I was such a nightmare he was angry at my childhood abusers, he was angry and betrayed at his best friend. We had a lot going on.

I have only told you this because, it always has two sides. I really feel for you as I know what my husband went through and is still going through 20 years later he still holds anger for those people, and still struggles everyday with all of it. On the other hand I can relate why your wife didn't tell you as I did the same thing. I really don't think she did it on purpose or to hide it from you. When it happened to me I turned into lots of parts and those parts just get through life as best they can.

I never thought I won't tell him because I want to hide it from him. It just all seems to blend Into one another, you just seem to push it into the back of yourself and do what you need to survive. All you seem to do in life is to survive. That becomes the soul purpose of your life to try and keep going, whatever your poison as they say, drinking, drugs, workaholic, disassociate, there are two many to mention, then after so many years of doing that it just becomes part of you. You don't stop and think you build a web of trying to survive lying to cover your tracks not telling family, parents, friends, co workers, nobody. You get so used to hiding your dirty horrible past that it just becomes so automatic it goes into a part of your brain that not even you wants to know about. I didn't do it on purpose i have no idea why but it was tucked up so tight inside that I couldn't even deal with it so just put it into another part of me. A part that I didn't even know how to deal with.

I am so sorry you are going through this and I really feel for you on both levels. I am sorry I haven't got any magic answers, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I wish I could help you more.

 

[scout86]

@Sammyiam , what a horrible way to have things go! But well and bravely told. Seems like not long ago you thought we didn't need you around here? I'm glad you stayed!

 

[RavenGirl]

@Sammyiam , sadly your story mirrors mine on so many levels.:sorry: I too never meant to lie to or omit any part of my life from my husband. I love how you explained so eloquently why we don't / can't tell what happened. Yes, we put those pieces of us so far far away in little boxes to cope:bag:; hoping to never have to take them out and open them ever again. Milo's papa, just keep being the patient, loving, supportive person you are and things will get better. :hug:

 

[Friday]

Why should someone's secrets of the past matter?

It is who she is now that matters.

I damn near murdered my husband when I found out the secrets he'd been keeping... Similar, in that they involved pedophiles & extreme abuse... Because he'd deliberately put my child into a completely preventable situation; to be sold & raped for drugs. I did break his jaw, never trusted him again (& that was born out, time and again), and (eventually) divorced him. Some things are unforgivable. The man I thought I'd married, was not the man he was.

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh my, @FridayJones , that is so not right/ awful. :( I can't find the words but I suppose put that way plus re: a marriage if possible things should be said. Or/+ always if anyone (esp a child) could be at risk of danger. :(

I'm quite fairly gentle but I'm kind of really glad you have a strong right hook. :) :tup: ;) :hug:

 

[RavenGirl]

@FridayJones , sorry to hear about the situation your children were put in. I don't in any way condone endangering children. My secret only involved me and my past.

 

[illusionist]

FridayJones........I'm sorry you have experienced this....must've been awful..worse than awful. I'm sorry I worded my post in the wrong way...I meant in context to the Op and his wife's experiences.

I do not condone keeping secrets such as what your ex kept from you, or anything that may have caused/ could cause harm to others.

 

[Milo's papa]

I guess I don't see it as a "cop out", I see it as a fact. It IS complicated. At least it seems that way...

scout86, you give me lots to think about.

The hardest thing for me to wrap my head around is why she felt she had to hide the fact that her abusers were still watching/keeping track of her. They would call on the phone and just say things like "we always know where to find you" or " remember, if you ever talk we will kill you, your husband and your kids. This went on for almost 10 years after we were married, I just wish she would have told me that she was getting these phone calls, not the details, but just the fact that she was getting them at all. The fact that she felt she had to hide this from me just plain and simply hurts. She always wants/wanted me to be totally honest and open, never to hide things or try to protect her, yet she was doing the very same thing to me. If that's not a double standard I don't know what is.

As for the specific details of what happened to her, Hell I don't want to know them. I can barely handle the sketchy outline that I do know. Even her T says no one has a need nor right to know them. It would be too horrific and painful for the people who love her, and I totally agree.

 

[scout86]

Picture a sigh as I think about what to say.

It IS a double standard, I think, and I think I get where she's coming from and where you're coming from too.

I don't know, exactly, why she didn't tell you something like that. Bottom line, I'd guess she was afraid, maybe? Of them? Of how you'd react? Of something else? I don't know. A lot of our bad choices are fear based. And it sounds like she has plenty to "fear".

There's some stuff that's REALLY hard to talk about. There have been times, for me anyway, when I really really wanted to say something. Including in therapy, with a therapist I like, and theoretically trust. And the thought shows up, and the big internal debate starts, and I get lost trying to sort out all the ramifications and the moment passes. And then it seems like it's too late, somehow and I let it go. And I'm usually relieved to be able to let it go too.

I guess, for me, the important question for your relationship is whether or not she handles most things this way. If she shares with you, and confides in you about everything else, this is probably just a sign of how hard this stuff really is and doesn't say anything about anything else. Does it seem like it's easier for her to confide in you now? I would think she'd feel pretty relieved, to have finally come clean on all this and find that the world hasn't come to an end and you're still there. I'm not exaggerating. For me, anyway, that's what revealing layers of truth feels like. Part of me is absolutely sure that by revealing something, life as I've known it, the good parts, will end and I'll lose everyone and anyone who's ever mattered. It really seems that big.

Wishing all of you the best!