Housing, Renting, Boundaries And More...

[Laverna]

It all started with mom explaining to me that she was going to give me and my sib the current house, while she moved in with her husband. Then we'd use the spare rooms to rent out basically. But it was when I talked to my sibling and they mentioned the possibility of getting kicked out if I was to become to toxic, not pay the rent or what have you... Like I get that if I'm being a piece of shit and abusive they'll boot me. I do understand it logically, but emotionally I feel like the tiny bit of control I had at all is gone...

And it feels like a switch in my head got set off.

All the sudden I'm remembering the kids putting tacks on my seat, I'm remembering them tripping me as I walked, I'm remembering being screamed at by teachers, I'm remembering the girls always taunting me in the locker rooms, I'm remembering all these f*cking teachers/staff that I tried so desperately to reach out to... And they branded me as trouble. Teachers, staff, substitutes, people who were supposed to be my friends... They weren't there for me. And much, much more betrayal and the like from authority figures... It feels like what little trust I had in people (except my therapist, mom and my sibling) is crumbling. Everything hurts and it's so raw... and I didn't used to be so pained like this. It didn't used to hurt like this.

I just don't want to be left behind again or ganged up on somehow. I want to set some guidelines of my own to feel like I'll have possibly some control... even if I'm terrified.

Sib said they just want me to do my chores, not binge on the other person's food (the person renting I'm assuming), not be too overall hostile and the like, and pay part of the rent.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle such a huge change? Tips? Etc? I've -never- done this before and I'm still trying to learn healthy boundaries and wants.

 

[starbar]

I think this site will be good for you. With my sibs, I experienced severe abuse at thier hands as well, growing up. I always took it well until my adult years. Eventually, I came unglued, reminding them of all of the hurt they caused and all the sexual abuse that was happening to me outside the family after my mom died, from age 7 on. Most of them rolled thier eyes at me, most of them accused me of making things up. My dad who physically and emotionally abused most of us, was quick to put all the blame on me. The reason I tell you this, is because I finally realized, after 3 yrs of trying to get them to see the light, that...they never will. I just had to accept the dynamics of our relationships as they are, or cut off contact. I have cut off with many of them, but the others, I just don't mention my emotional state or struggles to anymore. A site like this come in helpful in the fact that the people here know you are not making it up. They have suffered similarly and know the signs. They don't judge or blame you. Maybe having this as a sounding board will help you set some of your own boundaries as well as help keep you from giving your priceless emotions to those who tread on them. I hope the best for you. I understand how painful the suffering is and how confusing.♡♡♡

 

[mary1979]

Well from where I stand reading your post you are not starting this new living arrangement on fair ground.

What about your equal rights as an adult and full paying member in this new household?

Why do you have limitations, rules and a set of 'must dos' alone?
Are you able to place boundaries on the other parties also?

How dare they treat you like a child while expecting you to pay a share as an adult.

You can take back the power they have once again, by the sound of it, taken from you.
Place some demands of your own on your living arrangements.
Behave as they have, and set limitations of your own.

Screw them and the horse they rode in on, if you are expected to pay as an adult, they will need to TREAT you as one also


No wonder you are feeling triggered, its like they are expecting you to fail before you've even begun.

Show em different honey xxx

 

[Kintsugi]

Actually, I read this differently, and I am confused by it.

Yes, I get that it does seem like they're predicting your failure in a way, or pointing out that potential in a way that could be seen as offensive.

But I don't understand why those guidelines would be an issue, seeing as those are normal guidelines to expect unsaid of any adult living somewhere, unless they own the property outright?

 

[Laverna]

Why do you have limitations, rules and a set of 'must dos' alone?

Well, the food one is because of my binge eating disorder, and while my sibling doesn't mind too much if I end up binging on their food... The problem is if I were to binge on the other people's staying food. As they explained it to me, while they don't mind me owing them for the eaten food, they don't want the renter to if possible end up in that weird situation, as well as with me owing the renter money. Cause I struggle with stealing food and the like. It's something I am actively working on, though it's hard.

The chores is something expected out of us as well as the renting peeps, though not nearly as strict as mom breathing down our f*cking necks over it. I'm assuming it's keeping the house in a okay looking condition, rather then say, dishes everywhere---which has lately been an issue because of both me and my sib's mental issues.

As for the 'don't be too hostile', that is more related to PTSD and anxiety, and is something I work on. Basically not taking my shit out on the renter or whatever pretty much.

I will probably have to talk to my sib about it more as to what they themselves will have as far as rules and the like. But I doubt they are purposely being limiting. We've been trying to process this whole thing, and it's kind of a mess.

I'm on-off-on-off disability cause the permanent one isn't quite working out, obviously have no job or way to make money pretty much. THAT'S what is scary to me, is that I'm pretty much dependent on someone. It's not that I don't trust my sibling, I'm scared of whoever the renter people will be---cause they will be strangers in all likelihood.

I might be projecting shit, and predicting the worst so to speak, but the whole thing has left me puzzled as hell.

But I don't understand why those guidelines would be an issue, seeing as those are normal guidelines to expect unsaid of any adult living somewhere, unless they own the property outright?

It's f*cking complicated. Supposedly mom is giving us the house, but it will be some gradual thing. She'll help pay until we no longer need her to pretty much. So as to who owns the house when it happens... I have no f*cking clue. I know almost nothing about how these things work.

 

[The Albatross]

I think most probably, it was important to have a discussion about the boundaries of behaviors and that behavior management skills need to be in place for a cohabitation arrangement... especially one that may include opening the home to renters. It may not have occurred in a constructive way... yet you share that your sibling also has her own issues. If (your opening post is not clear) it was said in the way you share... "getting kicked out if I was to become to toxic, not pay the rent or what have you... Like I get that if I'm being a piece of shit and abusive they'll boot me" that is not the best way to have a discussion. If that's the message you received and not what was actually said during the discussion... that's another kettle of fish altogether. Which is which? By your post I'm not sure.

Unfortunately past behaviors are reasonable predictors of the success or not of a situation or series of events. I am curious that you said, "I do understand it logically, but emotionally I feel like the tiny bit of control I had at all is gone...". I expect I would chase that rabbit down the hole and perhaps explore what you mean by "the control you had" is gone because of a discussion about housing, cohabitation, and responsibilities? I would gently suggest... that if these concerns were brought up, clearly there is cause for hesitancy both for your own mental/emotional health, your sib's, and perhaps others who may establish residence in the household.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. I would also clarify the ownership arrangements/agreements before entering into this type of situation.

Another item of note would be to thoroughly self examine and attempt to determine if you are likely to be successful in the arrangement and if you're states/behaviors are managed well enough to accommodate renters. That is a discussion also that I'd definitely have, with your mother, sib and shrink.

 

[scout86]

It all started with mom explaining to me that she was going to give me and my sib the current house,

When you say "give" do you mean that literally, or that you'll take over a lease? Or something else? It's important to know who's legally responsible for the house. If you and your siblings have equal responsibility, you should also have equal benefits and be treated equally. With equal consequences for violating what ever agreement you come to. If YOU can be thrown out for breaking rules, so can anyone else, if you're on equal footing.

My suggestion would be that you all have a formal meeting, come up with guidelines you all agree to and write it down. People have a tendency to remember things the way they want to, especially when things are tense. And not necessarily on purpose, it's just the way the human mind works. If it's written down, there is less chance for confusion later. If you think something might be a problem (like stealing food) come up with a way to address that, maybe even to make it less likely, BEFORE it's an issue. Something you all agree with and something you think will work.

It might be a good idea to try this arrangement for awhile with just the siblings before you bring in a renter.

I've shared houses with people fairly often in the past. The kind of thing that gets to be a problem seems to be people not paying their share of the bills. (SOMEONE has to pay the electric bill or they turn it off.) If one person is consistently late, the person who's name is on the account usually has to step up and pay the bill and then hope to get paid back. Talk about how you're going to handle this stuff before hand. Then don't expect other people to pay your way and refuse to deal with a renter who expects other people to pay THEIR way. As long as all concerned are willing to act like adults, things can work real well.

 

[Laverna]

I think most probably, it was important to have a discussion about the boundaries of behaviors and that behavior management skills need to be in place for a cohabitation arrangement... especially one that may include opening the home to renters. It may not have occurred in a constructive way... yet you share that your sibling also has her own issues.

Okay, that does help, cause mom preeeeetty much just tossed this on the both of us, and had apparently been talking to my T about said arrangement for a good while. As for what the actual message was, it started with me asking my sib if they were told about the future 'arrangement'. When we talked about it, I don't recall when, but we eventually got down to rules. To which my sib explained that it's possible that I could get kicked out for not paying or being toxic. To which I f*cking panicked and started crying, leaving me without a chance to explain or define my own limits and because sib was going to work we didn't get to finish that convo.

So I've gotta figure out how to get us all in one place and figure this shit out. Okay, tbat's at least one thing out of the way to get done.

As for the loss of control, it's partly my overall resistance to change (autistic thing among others), and because it's hard for me not to believe it's because mom had begun to only care about living with her husband... Recently she's gotten toxic and I know she was yelling at my sib about how they weren't doing enough and she'd might as well kick them out. I didn't hear it myself, but regardless of if mom meant it or not (which she probably didn't given past behaviors) it's really shitty to put that on anyone.

If I'm completely honest, the idea of having to manage and care for a household, regardless of it being with my sib... I just don't know how the hell I'm mentally going to cope when I can barely get out of my damn room, much less my bed. I'm trying so damn hard to work on my past and do EMDR and it just feels too sudden to have this dropped on me. And I just feel abandoned, like this is mom's attempt to 'get rid of us' because she's obsessive about having the house 'her way'. She gets incredibly angry over things like a couple dishes in the sink, like one us of forgetting or lacking energy for a chore on a given day, and the like. She hasn't even been in the f*cking house with us for a while, coming and going a lot. And half the time she is here, it's always her getting on us about some chore we didn't 'do right' or missed. Least she doesn't do the whole 'watch me do the chore so you know how to do it right while I'm crying my eyes out' again and again....

It doesn't help that I literally don't know anything about housing and was -never taught- how to manage things, and I struggle enough dealing with my own money. I'm still struggling with PTSD, GAD, and my depression alongside my autism related issues (including something mimicking OCD).My sib on the other hand has the same kind of depression I have (MDD), OCD and is dealing with possibly Borderline Personality Disorder among others.

Worse for me is knowing that if I do somehow get kicked out... Unless there are options I'm not seeing, I'll more then likely have to camp out with my DAD (abusive) if I cannot get someone to take me. Obviously I do not want to be with my dad and I don't want anything to do with him.

I want to believe mom wouldn't just leave me like that, but in the past she used to send me to my dad's when I got 'too difficult' and he'd send me back for the same reason. Course, I'm not sure how much of the abuse mom was truly aware of, or if she blocked it out to some extent... but it's majorly scary either way.

She is better and hasn't done that whole 'passing around' thing since I was a child, but it's so hard to be completely faithful and believe.

As for my sib, they seem pretty happy overall about the change, given mom is pretty emotionally abusive to them. Doesn't help that mom treats me differently, likely cause I'm on disability or because mom can't accept the possibility of having two kids that are disabled. I don't know, and perhaps I'm rambling. Or 'seeing the worst'.

When you say "give" do you mean that literally, or that you'll take over a lease? Or something else? It's important to know who's legally responsible for the house. If you and your siblings have equal responsibility, you should also have equal benefits and be treated equally. With equal consequences for violating what ever agreement you come to. If YOU can be thrown out for breaking rules, so can anyone else, if you're on equal footing.

That I have no idea, as I was only really told that mom was 'giving' me and my sib the home, without really elaborating on it. I'll see if my sib knows more on that front, as mom usually explains more to them. (cause she tends to treat me like a fragile flower) I'll poke my sib when they come back from work, see what they know and maybe try to arrange something with them. I'll also see what my T has to suggest, or possibly just bring mom and sib in as well.

Thank you everyone a TON. This is starting to make a bit more sense, and for that I'm relieved some. I'll start writing down what I need clarified and the like on a notepad on my computer, then transfer it to a sheet.