How Am I Suppose To Feel Like This Is My House Too??

[Hlost]

I moved into my husband's house 10years ago. I never do that but this time I did and I stayed, we got married several years later - I wasn't going to but I finally did. My hesitation was I knew he would never move.

From time to time it hits me hard how I feel like this is not my house. I make a suggestion and he is adamant about NO! He is usually very quiet and easy going but this damned house is his castle and I've been easy about but sometimes I get really pissed off at how he talks to me, like this morning.

I suggested putting in another tree out back for additional shade to help the grass keep from drying out. I've been thinking about it and his answer......NO....nothing else just that. :mad:. Are you kidding me!!! Hit me seriously wrong!! Don't talk to me like that, I'm your wife not a child. I'll f**king put a tree in if I want to without discussing it so screw you! IF this is really my house like you are always saying to me then it shouldn't be a problem, right???

What I think is that it's not. Yes, I've made a few changes over the years but it took time and he did not like them. I put in some shrubs, took some out that didn't work, that made him happy...blah. I tried some ponds, my fish died from fertilizer blow-off during the drought coming from the golf course, broke my heart, he was relieved not to have to hear the water and frogs. But it's the attitude that gripes me. I've suggested a fence and got the same answer the same way the dogs next door were such a problem. I ended up in court with them being the neighborhood bitch!! Now I can't show my face without everyone giving me the "look".

I'm only asking for a conversation not this bullshit! Yes, I'm pissed off and I don't like being treated like this. I don't feel like going through all the freaking steps with him about it like before, he knows I've changed a lot of stuff in the house recently for him, clearing out stuff so he has that clean look. I put all of my stuff in a room just for me. God!!!! I could just scream, I want a place of my own so nobody can tell me something like "NO". wtf??????? am I living at home with my parents???

I'm sorry, this is really more of a vent. I guess that's obvious.

HLost

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Lost,
I am unclear whether it was your husbands house - on his own, or within a previous relationship, or was it a family home i.e since he was a child?

I think all 3 give different answers as to how much he sees it as 'his' and how much you need to make a mark. When I first moved in with my husband he had lived there with his ex. and I found that really hard. We are now 3 houses later and this is very much 'our' house. However every now and again I have a little explosion. For example we still have the ironing board he had in his first marriage. I have been married to him for 25 years and he was married 12 years before that!! But he still insists there is no reason to replace the ironing board when it is perfectly functional. He does not understand the principle that I don't want stuff from before our life together. But he says it is part of his history - and after all he is the one to do the ironing:)

I too, would find it very hard to live still in the house that was his before me.However there are so many economic considerations to moving.

I get that you want to be heard - by him. That is so hard when you cannot have the discussion that is bugging you so much. If you wrote down how you felt would he read it? Sometimes that helps as you don't get into an argument and he can't interrupt what you want to get across.

Wishing you luck with this
Lucy x

 

[Hlost]

Wow, my therapist had left me a message while I was in the tub saying she had to rescheduled due to her children being ill today :confused:. I had to buck-up and actually put my on my big girl pants on and address my hunny about what set me off like a fire cracker! I was so upset feeling like a loser: no job, no money, no place with my name on it (if I put my name on the house there's issues with disability), no car that is really mine, and nowhere to go :no: - I know big whine, but it FELT really like I was a big l o s e r......All I have is some "stuff".

People let me back into their lives, it feels like, because I now have a "nanny". This, of course is all one big lie, but it felt like this when I blew up and I was so angry. He went back to bed to avoid me but I went in there to explain where this all came from and we ended up working it out. I discovered that I could always move to the other side of the house if I felt the need to and pay "rent" to feel like something was my area. It may sound silly but it calmed a deep fear for me. Using the "step away and breathe" technique did help, although I was really hoping to see my tdoc. I'm incredibly spacy the past few days for some reason (not due to meds at all!) and this is not helping at all. I've been terrified of dealing with my mother, bad time of year, and I have wanted a break but not this way.

I'm grateful to have been able to handle this yucky outburst of mine but I hate when I do this :( I feel awful for my husband.

HL

 

[Badger]

I don't know the answer to this but I just wanted to tell you I share your feelings. My ex grew up in the house we live in now. For me it's worse because we have split up and we still have to live under the same roof. It was never my house. It was one of those things that made this relationship a mess from the start. You need to feel like you have power over your environment to be happy. My advice, withing reason- just take the power- make any improvements you need to feel happy-discuss them, of course, but if they are minor and inexpensive and you are the one who is putting the work into them? Inform him that the house is yours too. You are married. Married people share their house, right?