Relationship How To Actually Enforce Boundaries?

[caligirl03]

I've finally learned the importance of setting boundaries through this forum and also through a rigorous trial and error (lots of error) process and have laid out what's acceptable behavior for me and what isn't.

The struggle I'm now encountering is HOW do I enforce those boundaries? As in, once a boundary is violated, what does a "consequence" actually look like?

For example, suppose I tell my sufferer I don't appreciate being yelled at or hung up on, no matter how angry or triggered he feels. At times he honors that, but then at times he does not.

What can I do when those lines are crossed to enforce standards and avoid enabling?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Boundry setting is something I am still learning but its getting easier the more I do it.

Im unsure if you can really set a boundry like that when a PTSD sufferer is triggered, to me it doesnt seem fair. Its like saying "you cant yell if very angry" or "cry when really sad". When triggered we are dealing with a brain thats hard to think or be rational.

Now when not triggered, whole 'nother ball game.

The consequence is up to you because, to me, its really dependant on enviroment, circumstances, dynamics of the relationship and why it happened to begin with.

Boundries are more like lines drawn in the sand. We will talk this out before yelling. Or stop coming home at 2am. Or dont bring this guy over as im uncomfortable with him. Or she needs to stop calling/texting you, it makes me uncomfortable. It needs to be reasonable though which is what the top half was about. When triggered, its hard for me to think, or be any sort of reasonable or rational. Im in an extremely highened emotional state as well as my senses are hightened. Everything is highened. But no real thinking things through for me when triggered. So i will break any boundry when triggered as its like i have sand in my eyes tripping over stuff.

Just my opinion.

 

[digger]

being yelled at

With being yelled at, you enforce the boundary by how you choose to react to it when it gets crossed.

If he yells at you, you tell him you are walking away until that stops, and follow through and walk away, or if it's over the phone, 'if you continue yelling at me, I will hang up' and then follow through and hang up if the yelling continues.

 

[Justmehere]

Boundaries are not about changing the other person. They are about changing our behavior to manage what we let into our lives and not. It's not about consequences for another person. Consequences may happen as a result of boundaries, but it is rare that "consequences" should be the primary goal. The other person may change, but trying to change or penalize the other person actually should not be primary goal, or else both parties often end up frustrated and resentful.

The goal should be change in what is in and not in your life, and to send a clear message to the other person about what you will and will not let in your life. This lets them be an adult and decide if they can or are willing to do what it takes to be in your life.

In your example, if behavior you don't want to let into your life is yelling (which is reasonable), then think about what you can do when he yells to change what you can do to reduce or eliminate the amount that you allow this behavior in your life. This does not mean his behavior is your fault. This is simply focusing on changing the only person you have any control over: you.

Communicate to him the boundary, and then communicate to him what you will do if the behavior continues, if the boundary is cross. Then if he does the behavior, stick to it. He will either change or not, but that's out of your control. Take back what is under your control.

An example of how to apply this to yelling or hanging up on the phone: communicate to him in a relationship affirming way, that you want to be in a relationship with him (if you do). Avoid using the word "but" as it invites argument. Tell him something like, "I want to be in the relationship and talk with you, and I need to be able to talk with you without yelling or being hung up on." Explain that if he continues to hang up on you, then you will only speak to him at length in person where he can not just impulsively hang up on you, or etc. If he yells, you will ask him to lower his voice once and if he doesn't, you will walk away or end the conversation until he is calmer. If the pattern continues without change, then you will consider if you can stay in the relationship. Perhaps there will be less contact or you will need to know he is getting help for the behavior and making improvements... I dunno what your boundaries and limits are, and what is and isn't ok with you - these are just examples of what someone might do in this example. Pick what is right for you and what you need to stay in this, if you are able.

In this way, he will face a "consequence" for his behavior that is about you doing what you need to take care of you, and doing it by focusing on you will reduce how easy it is for him to try to escape blame for his behavior. The more you take responsibility for you, the more he will hopefully be more responsible for himself.

 

[Justmehere]

P.S. - Something to be prepared for:

Once someone starts setting and keeping boundaries, sometimes people will freak out a bit and act out even more at first. This is to be expected. If he gets pissed, yells more, etc, just hold your ground and take it as a sign that you are doing something right. What he has been doing has been working for him, and starting to set and keep boundaries is probably not going to work for him at first. That's ok, because again, this is your decision about what is and isn't ok for you. He doesn't get to decide that, you do.

If he is worth keeping in your life, then he will do whatever it takes for him to change the behavior and he will learn to respect the boundary too, out of respect for you.

 

[hodge]

@caligirl, @Justmehere has given a brilliant articulation on boundary setting and how it's really about you and not about trying to change your partner. Only he can do that, though as she also pointed out, sometimes when one person changes, the other person eventually changes for the better, too. I can't articulate the phenomenon any better than she did, but I just want to emphasize how it really is on us sufferers to deal with our stuff if we want to stay in a relationship. I did a lot of hard work and therapy to stay with the man of my dreams who became my husband in 2002. If I hadn't, I either would have lost him or we would be pretty unhappy together. Thank God, I did do the work and ultimately had the breakthrough we both needed for us to have a great marriage and friendship. Sending my best wishes to you.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I echo @hodge and @Justmehere. It's all about your reaction, not his.

When you set a boundary, say what you mean and mean what you say. If you say you will not tolerate being yelled at, then if he yells, leave the room. Be consistent. Do it every time he yells. It's not up for negotiation. It's not to punish him. It's your line and you're not willing to stand there and be yelled at like a dog, period.

Either he'll learn to respect your boundaries, or the relationship won't work.

Just make sure what your clear boundary lines are, and that you're willing to deal with the fall out.

 

[hodge]

Absolutely, what SweetPea said. And it's so not easy. It took me about 30 years to learn to set boundaries with my mom, who was consistently emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive, and it was a lifelong struggle.

Amazingly, within a year or so of my telling her I had PTSD, she stopped attacking me. I don't really know if that was a result of me keeping to my boundaries or her taking my diagnosis seriously, or maybe a combination of both. Just enforce your boundaries. You don't deserve to be yelled at. :hug:s if you accept.

 

[Friday]

My rule of thumb is that boundaries change my life, not anyone else's.

If so&so does such&such... Then I do whatsit.
If so&so does this&that... Then I do this thing here.
If so&so does BFD... Then I do this other thing.

It's all about what I do in my own life. It changes my life. Not theirs.

 

[The Albatross]

• People don't like change... they will defend, argue or test to keep or try to keep the status quo. So plan for it.
• Set boundaries and convey/communicate them being prepared to assert/keep to the consequences.
• Time and consistency will try and test relationships... the ones worth keeping are the ones that continue to try though they may struggle and have set backs... they keep up communication, care about their relationship with you but aren't entirely above trying to manipulate to get their own needs met... yet neither are we at times.

It's a process, not a win/lose proposition sometimes... though when there is ample evidence that the situation is gonna stay the same (like multiple family members all buckin' for the same thing... to keep you in line, in the role they've given you or keep you quiet)... reassess and decide if you need to cut them off.

 

[hodge]

Not everyone tries to manipulate others to get their own needs met. Not even a lot of us with PTSD do that.

 

[GoatBoston]

Boundaries are not about changing the other person. They are about changing our behavior to manage w...

This was super helpful!!!!