General How to be supportive in a way the counts

[Hopefulspouse]

I’ve been married for a long time. My partner has CPTSD from childhood trauma.
I can give a book about our history of background, but in an effort to keep this brief, I just have one question. Has anyone successfully been able to support their partner and have their partner feel supported by them?

I feel like I do things to be supportive and ask questions in an effort to be open and allow them to talk if they would like. Our conversations always end with you don’t see me I know he is incredibly lonely. I just want to be supportive in a way that matters to him but I am at a loss.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That is the million dollar question. Personally I think you have to separate “support” from “help.”

We cannot help. We can’t love them better, make their PTSD easier or help them through their treatment. They have to go through that journey alone. It’s their mental health, not “our” mental health. That’s hard for supporters. We want to help/fix.

I think the best way to support is to be consistent. Don’t say you’re patient… be patient. Don’t say you understand… be understanding. Walk the walk. I know any trust my partner has built in me has been because of this, and his trust is precarious at best.

 

[Friday]

Has anyone successfully been able to support their partner and have their partner feel supported by them?

100% of the time?



Nope!

And I’m going to borrow @Sweetpea76 as to why. Because speaking as both a sufferer and a supporter? it couldn’t be said better. Full stop.

You could be the most supportive, patient, understanding woman in the world, who looks like Bella Hadid, cooks like Gordon Ramsey, and has a PhD in psychology… you’re still not going to be “good enough.”

It’s because it’s a him problem, not a you problem. That’s lashing out and projection. Didn’t you know? It’s not that he cannot manage his mental health… oh no. It’s because you didn’t have the laundry done. That’s why he can’t get better. That’s PTSD.

He can’t trust anybody because he, himself, has trust issues. It’s not that you’re untrustworthy. That’s PTSD.

PTSD is a selfish as hell disorder. They’re in survival mode, so it’s all about #1 when they get like this. Don’t let him talk you into thinking any of this is your doing.

Seeeeeeeriously. Mic drop.

 

[Hopefulspouse]

100% of the time?



Nope!

And I’m going to borrow @Sweetpea76 as to why. Because speaking as both a sufferer and a supporter? it couldn’t be said better. Full stop.



Seeeeeeeriously. Mic drop.

Yeah, I needed to hear that. I’ve been dealing with this for so many years but occasionally I forget I don’t know why, but I believe him.
Maybe I am hanging onto the fact that if I could just do something different that I could help him and his pain would be gone and this life would be a little bit better. It’s pretty self-centered of me.
Whenever he cycles into a bad mood, which lately has been about every two weeks. It’s normally some version of his all alone. He has no support, and therefore he can’t be better. I know it’s a lie, that he’s telling himself.
Thanks for the truth and for the support. I do appreciate it.

 

[arfie]

my husband has successfully supported me in the last decade or so of our 42 years together. for the first half of our time together, i often ran like a beaten crazy bitch wolf from his efforts to fix me. i might even call it a minor miracle that our marriage survived his efforts to **help** me. get your freaking screwdrivers out of my ear, honeybunch. you are only making me feel hopelessly broken and incompetent. we spent allot of that first 30 years living separately while i leaned heavily on that therapy support network he constantly contradicted in his effort to fix me. i think the only reason we are still married is that we both hate lawyers.

somewhere in our 3rd decade together, he got help for himself and learned how to listen instead of playing expert. he also learned how to let me trust my therapy network, whether he agrees with them or not. these days i feel magnificently supported. more importantly, i feel trusted. still crazy, but trusted by the love of my life. that trust makes me feel like i can overcome anything. healing hope personified. . .

healing is an inside job. not even a hubby as great as mine can do it for me. i will second @Sweetpea76 on the notion that there is a big difference between helping and supporting. votes of confidence and patient listening are far more supportive than being the most expert helper on the planet.

 

[Friday]

Whenever he cycles into a bad mood, which lately has been about every two weeks. It’s normally some version of his all alone. He has no support, and therefore he can’t be better. I know it’s a lie, that he’s telling himself.

My kid started doing that relatively recently (past few months), and I made “the mistake” of telling him he’s smart, strong, capable, creative, determined…and even if he were on a desert island, or the freaking moon? He’d figure out a way to sort shit. That it may not feel like it, right now, but he’s got this.

What he took away from that, is that he should become a hermit.

Literally. Like state/church sponsored hermit. Because, clearly, we really are the problem, and he’s trapped with us.

(Nooooo. He’s a legal adult, with a job and savings and options out the wazoo. Covid & saving up are the only real reasons he’s here, and could leave at any time. In reality. Feeling trapped and being trapped are 2 different things. But emotions don’t logic so hot.).

Also? -per him being in a dark place- Compliments are clearly both fake, and insulting, and I’m not contributing to the conversation by …talking.

Some days?

You really can’t win for losing.


^^^^ This shit happens. And it hurts. And it passes. I have a finite level of assholerly I’m willing to accept in my life… and whilst I still call him out when he crosses the line, my kid gets a helluva lot more leeway than friends/lovers do. In large part because he’s my kid. In no small part because he pulls his head out of his ass and both apologizes AND attempts to catch himself sooner when he’s leaning into f*cked up ways of thinking/acting/lashing out… and I’ll tolerate screwups by someone learning infinitely more/better than someone who is simply making excuses/blameshifting. The 2 weeks leading up to Xmas are nearly all doom & gloom & dark despair. He’s got mad trauma history there, plus holiday stress = things are EXTRA peachy for awhile.I know this is a hard time for him, so I cut him more slack than I would most of the rest of the year. But hard times or not? I don’t do doormat. I just also pick my battles (timing! So much of PTSD is about timing), and mind my boundaries. The harder a time he is having? The more confident in my own self I have to be. It does neither of us any good for both of us to jump onto the crazy train.

((NOTE : Boundaries are not what we can convince someone else to do. Boundaries are what WE have & do when someone else crosses them.))

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’ve been dealing with this for so many years but occasionally I forget I don’t know why, but I believe him.

Because if you hear something for a decade you’ll eventually think it’s true. Caregiver burnout is real. Being the designated asshole is no fun. It’s exhausting when you bend over backwards to accommodate but can’t get any compassion of your own.

 

[Hopefulspouse]

Yes! It seems like the more kind things I say the worse things get. He doesn’t believe them about himself and therefore I’m an idiot if I believe them.
The holidays are super tough. I was shocked that we got through Christmas but this year New Years is the trigger because he is disappointed in himself for the past year. I would use it as motivation for the next year but he uses it as a way to beat himself up.

Today is hard. He is silent and left as soon as I got home. When he is this low I fear suicide and hold my breath until he comes home. I want to say something that would let him know that he is loved but that is what I would want to hear. I goes against everything that in my being but I leave him alone.

It just seems wrong to leave someone alone who is hurting and actively says that they are lonely. This disease is backwards and I constantly feel like I am going to in circles.

I appreciate the boundaries line. It’s important for me to remember that I have to enforce them more than expecting them to be respected.

Because if you hear something for a decade you’ll eventually think it’s true. Caregiver burnout is real. Being the designated asshole is no fun. It’s exhausting when you bend over backwards to accommodate but can’t get any compassion of your own.

Thank you!!! Exactly right. It is so exhausting.

 

[tacklebax]

That is the million dollar question. Personally I think you have to separate “support” from “help.”

We cannot help. We can’t love them better, make their PTSD easier or help them through their treatment. They have to go through that journey alone. It’s their mental health, not “our” mental health. That’s hard for supporters. We want to help/fix.

I think the best way to support is to be consistent. Don’t say you’re patient… be patient. Don’t say you understand… be understanding. Walk the walk. I know any trust my partner has built in me has been because of this, and his trust is precarious at best.

I keep rereading your response, sweet pea. I keep thinking I’m doing something wrong because my love isn’t enough to help. I keep putting the blame on myself for why he’s unhappy or distracted.

 

[Larrikin]

Yes! It seems like the more kind things I say the worse things get. He doesn’t believe them about himself and therefore I’m an idiot if I believe them.
The holidays are super tough. I was shocked that we got through Christmas but this year New Years is the trigger because he is disappointed in himself for the past year. I would use it as motivation for the next year but he uses it as a way to beat himself up.

Today is hard. He is silent and left as soon as I got home. When he is this low I fear suicide and hold my breath until he comes home. I want to say something that would let him know that he is loved but that is what I would want to hear. I goes against everything that in my being but I leave him alone.

It just seems wrong to leave someone alone who is hurting and actively says that they are lonely. This disease is backwards and I constantly feel like I am going to in circles.

I appreciate the boundaries line. It’s important for me to remember that I have to enforce them more than expecting them to be respected.


Thank you!!! Exactly right. It is so exhausting.

May I ask what has he done/or currently doing to help with his ptsd?

 

[seshprinny]

I think everyone is different and will need unique things to feel heard and validated.

What seems to work for me, is my partner acknowledging a feeling ('it makes sense to me, that situation is so unfair, you must be so frustrated'). My feelings were always invalidated, so someone telling me I have a right to be upset is really powerful.

Truly empathising is important, if I feel that my partner is with me emotionally, can connect to the pain I'm feeling and mirror it back to me, makes me feel so seen. My partner can struggle with this sometimes and can panic and list off some phrases that sound validating, but as I'm hyper aware of other people's emotional states, I can tell when he isn't connecting with it (he has his own trauma, but he shows up for me when he can).

Most people in my life are uncomfortable with negative emotions, and try to fix situations so I can feel better. This sends me the message that it's not okay to be upset and that I'm not capable of finding solutions myself. Plus, when I'm upset is not a time for problem solving, it's a time for connecting with that feeling and learning to sit with it.

Hope this helps in some way, it's so tricky to navigate when your partner is disconnected from their body and doesn't know how to meet their own needs. It's a journey trying to figure out what works!

 

[Hopefulspouse]

I think everyone is different and will need unique things to feel heard and validated.

What seems to work for me, is my partner acknowledging a feeling ('it makes sense to me, that situation is so unfair, you must be so frustrated'). My feelings were always invalidated, so someone telling me I have a right to be upset is really powerful.

Truly empathising is important, if I feel that my partner is with me emotionally, can connect to the pain I'm feeling and mirror it back to me, makes me feel so seen. My partner can struggle with this sometimes and can panic and list off some phrases that sound validating, but as I'm hyper aware of other people's emotional states, I can tell when he isn't connecting with it (he has his own trauma, but he shows up for me when he can).

Most people in my life are uncomfortable with negative emotions, and try to fix situations so I can feel better. This sends me the message that it's not okay to be upset and that I'm not capable of finding solutions myself. Plus, when I'm upset is not a time for problem solving, it's a time for connecting with that feeling and learning to sit with it.

Hope this helps in some way, it's so tricky to navigate when your partner is disconnected from their body and doesn't know how to meet their own needs. It's a journey trying to figure out what works!

Wow that is so helpful. I grew up in a very emotionally disconnected family. I’m very uncomfortable with negative emotions and I have begun the work to sit with his trauma and my own. You are right my instinct is to try to fix it.
I have a lot of work to do in this area. Thank you for spelling it out so simply.