Childhood How To Forgive The Child?

[Sideways]

@sun seeker - yes, def need my T's assistance with this in some form. And I like to have all my Aces in a row before I raise issues like this (so that they can be systematically decimated by said T, which is par for the course).

Fortunately, my diplomatic part is the most integrated and usually easy to squander up. Not easy to keep her around if I get too emotional, but I'm thinking that part is going to continue to play a role here.

@lostforgottensoul - just wanna say, the fact that you've pulled this off makes me feel stronger, so thank you:)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow! Really @Ragdoll Circus? Im shyly humble that you feel stronger because of me. Im like the less strong person (or so I think, my therapist disagrees but he dont know shit lol).

I dont have DID though. Though still an "inner child". Reading along makes me think it adds some challenges?

 

[Sideways]

@lostforgottensoul - your T is a goodun, hang onto him;). And yeah, "challenging" is the word. It gets busy in the noggin sometimes!

 

[Sideways]

When I was 12, I really liked neopolitan icecream and fruit smoothies.

Icecream is out because of my eating issues.

So this is me, reporting in that tomorrow morning, me and my 12 year old are going to go to the shops and have a fruit smoothie. With Diplomat as chaperone.

And Buddy, my puppy. She's a sucker for puppies.

I may not report back. If it all goes horrifically wrong, we shall never speak of this exercise again.

 

[Rumors]

I have had this reoccurring dream for a while that I come face to face with a little girl that needs help at the edge of the woods. When I try and help her, she basically tells me to fvck off and runs into the woods. I run after her but she has this sort of superhuman strength and I can't catch her. I run and run and run and the day turns into night and I become frightened about being in the woods alone at night so I turn back. When I get back to my beginning point, she is standing there screaming that she knew I would leave her and I just keep trying to tell her I am scared too.
I guess the point to my story is that my adult side needs to acknowledge the pain the younger side feels and vice versa. When I say acknowledge it, I mean to say "please tell me why you hurt so badly" and then actually feel sorry that I feel that pain and sit with it. Then I need to promise myself that I will make good choices and take care of myself, remind the younger me that I will always protect her and keep her safe because I am going to make good choices. I also need to promise to listen to her when she tells me she hurts and stop trying to stuff it away for her to deal with alone. She is strong and fearless, but no longer needs to carry it alone.

Ugh..... Actually writing that out just now made me feel a little more powerful. I fully believe if you don't listen and acknowledge the pain your younger self felt, then there is no integration to be made. The 12 year old you made decisions, choices based on the environment she was exposed to and the things she had learned for survival. Listen to her, let her say her peace, then think of her as if she were your 12 year old daughter and how you would feel if she just told you her story. Be patient and kind with yourself, young and old. The thing is, if you had grown up in a family where you were taught to love and value yourself, you would understand how to be whole and not hate the things your 12 year old self did to survive. You didn't get those skills so be kind to yourself while you are developing them. You deserve to learn how to properly care for yourself and, in turn, care for your 12 year old self. She was a victim...turn her into a survivor.
Best wishes.... You deserve that peace.

 

[shimmerz]

Don't leave us there... what is the first step??

Taking her out for smoothies. Or whatever else we try to do to bridge the gap. Something neutral but a kind gesture. Acknowledging that that child wasn't all bad and that she cared about things, and you care about that.

 

[sun seeker]

I wonder, is there yet another approach to this? Because I think I'm figuring one out as I go through this process. A lot of this comes from following my therapist's lead, and I'm not sure he has a fully formulated game plan either, but I am thinking another piece of the puzzle is to forgive myself in the present -- understanding "Oh, it makes sense why I struggle so much with XYZ, it's because that's how the trauma affected me. No wonder. I'm doing the best I can, and I'll be patient with myself in the process." From that attitude of patience and understanding in the present comes patience and understanding for myself in the past. I think. Maybe.

 

[shimmerz]

Oh, it makes sense why I struggle so much with XYZ, it's because that's how the trauma affected me. No wonder. I'm doing the best I can, and I'll be patient with myself in the process."

Yes, and I think that the believing/trusting yourself needs to come before the forgiving yourself part. It is terribly ungrounding when one has misgivings about what they even believe or trust about their story.

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, and I think that the believing/trusting yourself needs to come before the forgiving yourself part.

Yes, and before that, extricating one's self from the talons of any former abusers and their allies who might be perpetuating the myth of our inadequacy through gaslighting campaigns.

This really is a complex question you brought up, @Ragdoll Circus!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh, it makes sense why I struggle so much with XYZ, it's because that's how the trauma affected me. No wonder

This part is a HUGE part of my therapy. First we back trace everything and then he wants me to say that about everything.

This ranges from thoughts to urges to issues to triggers to everything.

I think that the believing/trusting yourself needs to come before the forgiving yourself part. It is terribly ungrounding when one has misgivings about what they even believe or trust about their story.

Agreed 100%! I think some of us need vaildation so much because of being "unstable", if you will, about not believing ourselves or vailidating ourselves. I know I have a huge issue with that and I think its worse when a bunch of people arent believing you as I think that makes you almost doubt yourself.

If i dont fully vaildate myself, trust myself, believe myself, forget about forgiving myself. You have to believe to forgive, in general.

 

[BlueOrange]

I thought I had one or two clever ideas, and then I read them in the replies.

Probably worthwhile to have a conversation with your T about EMDR. It got me unstuck when I was completely stuck in a pretty similar way.

Other than that, you seem to be doing everything I can think of.

 

[RussH]

@Ragdoll Circus Something to think about. As an adult we are able to look back at the abuse we suffered as a child, and question why we did not stand against it, and stop it. As an adult we realize we do have to power to stand up for ourselves, and hopefully do so.
However, as a child, we don't always realize that. If fact, more often or not, when a child is facing abuse, especially if the abuse is from an adult, the child doesn't know they can stand against it, and so they take it.

I know that when you look at the child you were, you blame her for not protecting you, and that may be the heart of your hatred, that the child did not protect you. I do hope the adult you are now understands the child inside of you could not protect you. She did not have the knowledge that you have as an adult, and dealt with things the way a 12 year old.

This may not help, but it is a thought to consider.