How To Respond To A Boundary Violator

[EvenStrongerNow]

Okay, okay. Maybe I'm lying to myself. I just don't want you guys to think he is a bad man. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why someone chooses to behave the way they do. It's not my job to keep analyzing him. That's how I avoid. I analyze myself over and over again as an avoidance as well. So maybe I should apply that to my marriage.

At the end of the day, he did act like a bully and I need to start making it known. I will struggle to find that balance of picking and choosing battles, but I need to start taking some responsibility here and quit allowing it.

I need to stop denying that it isn't intentional. Because you know what, I own up to it when I'm being a bully. I had an awful childhood and some tremendously traumatic experiences in life and I don't go parading around and treating people that way so it's not okay for them to either. Yes, I can make it known gently, but after that, I need to learn to pull away instead of placating.

If someone keeps getting rewarded for bad behavior, just like a child, they will continue no matter who they are.

There. Finally.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Saying it wasn't their intention is like saying our past abusers did the best that they could with the cards that they got dealt so that makes it okay.

That was nothing more than a cop out, a rationalization and me being in denial. Oy!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

So after his text to apologize, I said I'm sorry too. We can talk about it later since you're at work like you asked before.

He replies, we don't have to talk about it later.

I didn't say anything because I didn't know how to respond to that. When he came home, I'm on the phone with a girlfriend to distract myself but I give him a kiss. When I was done, I said I'm sorry I was on the phone so long. He says who was that?

I tell him who. I see him cooking and say oh are you making dinner? He says no I'm just making a big batch of pasta for work lunches. I say oh cool. Then I pick up the sponge to start washing the dishes and he asks how my day was. I say oh it was okay how was yours? He says it was alright sulkingly. Then silence.

I'm washing the dishes and I have a side of the sink to put soapy clean dishes to give the soap time to kill bacteria. He comes over, doesnt say excuse me, just reaches his hands in to start washing. I just let it go even though it is on the clean dishes side and he knows this.

Minutes later, he walks over again and just starts dumping olive juice down on the same clean dishes side. I say hey those are clean and you know that. He gets really huffy and acts like I'm asking for something unreasonable and says, "We'll I was cooking here first. What am I supposed to do? I have to be able to wash my hands."

I wanted to tell him off and tell him he could've dumped the juice in his empty cans of sauce out of consideration for me, but I didn't want to sink to his level. It's obvious he didn't mean his apology because he came home and disrespected me again!

Instead I just said okay. I put the sponge down and walked away. I went to our bedroom and closed the door quietly. That was 40 minutes ago. He hasn't come in here at all or said anything.

Grrrrr. I will not play childish games. I could because I'm very good at them in past relationships. I've allowed him to push me to that level a couple of times and it doesn't feel good. I don't see value in it anymore.

But grrr grrr grrr

 

[Abstract]

HI!

I think its great you are doing this. I had a lot of therapy with this stuff and it has changed my life. It does cause a lot of backlash so prepared for that but it is worthwhile. And people do eventually adjust. I got to a point where I found the alternative intolerable. I needed self respect.

Okay. Fine, I will go get the package before 5. I'm sorry for disrespecting you."

I just tried calling him to apologize for making him feel disrespected. I

This worries me a little but it is possible that I am missing something. What are you apologising for? For me I could not tolerate the distress after and so compelled to try to make contact. But really what it does is sabotage all ones efforts to be assertive and it clouds the message.

It can be excruciating to just sit with it but that is what I have found I needed to do. When it carries on and on have you ever clearly and assertively stated that you will not discuss it further?

The other thing that totally changed things for me was when I realised that assertiveness only works if it isnt done carefully and appeasingly. It needs to be done clearly and with us thinking of protecting ourselves not changing the other person. Only he can decide if he will change or not.

She says that because I'm growing and changing, since he isn't, it will cause friction.

This sounds spot on and it is a matter of letting him sit with those feelings too rather than always trying to fix them.
It's great you are starting all this!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Well sticking to being assertive is working. We did end up discussing it with another fight. I sat and listened to him and kept asserting whenever he would avoid, dodge, blame shift etc.

He finally got desperate. He finally said okay. "The things you are explaining to me about my past coming into our relationship may be true. I just don't understand it like you do. I've never learned this so I don't see it. I dont know what avoidance means other than avoiding someones call when you dont want to talk to them. I dont know how to do this. I don't know where to start or what it even looks like. I just know my way isnt working anymore. What should I do?"

I said, "I can't tell you what to do. I don't have all the answers either. You have to seek just like I did. You have to figure it out just like I did. I don't think I'm supposed to tell you what to do. This is probably one reason we are so at odds this year is because for so long, I've been coming up with the solutions and telling you what to do and figuring it out for you. I don't think that's the way it's supposed to work. And my specific journey, the road that I chose may not be for you. I don't want you to come back and resent me for it."

He said, "Ok that makes sense. So can we go to a marriage retreat or something or talk to our pastor or read about this?"

I smiled and said, "Yes. I need you to do this with me. I'm no longer going to take the lead here."

Here goes!

 

[Abstract]

That is soooo wonderful!!! :) Good for you and all your hard work. And good for him for having the courage to take some steps forward too.

I think it can be astonishing how our assertiveness can bring out things in others andhow different relationships can end up being.

 

[Flyaway]

I just worked my way through the post... :) I'm so glad you got on here for support - he is being a bit of a poohead.

I wondered if he was being so pushy to start with because he knew the real reason you didn't want to go out, and he was trying to give you a reason to do your hair, get dressed etc? Regardless, he was disrespectful of your right to say no and was being a bit of a bully.

I think that people who don't have PTSD have a hard time understanding just how difficult it is for us... On a rough day we just need to take it slow sometimes! Where as when they have a rough day or are feeling despondent - often they will respond well to a bit of a push. You might need to spell it out for him- be very honest and clear. I'm sure he'll be able to handle it :)

 

[DMerish]

He said, "Ok that makes sense. So can we go to a marriage retreat or something or talk to our pastor or read about this?" I smiled and said, "Yes. I need you to do this with me. I'm no longer going to take the lead here."

It's often uncomfortable finding the knob that turns the light on at the end of the tunnel, but when its found . . . .

Good job for hanging in there, Strongnow. I'm glad your spat got the two of you to begin working on these things together. ;)

 

[Philippa]

I don't think he's a bad man, and really, it doesn't matter what we think...but he was acting like a douche. If there was already lots of the e-cig refill at your home, then there was NO RUSH! Therefore, he had absolutely no excuse for not respecting your boundary...period. And then to turn it around on you and say you were speaking to him disrespectfully...pot calling the kettle black.

Is he Borderline by any chance?

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Hi Philippa, I don't think so because the pattern doesn't seem like it would fit. Are border lines able to reflect and change?

We both have previous relationships before each other that were traumatic. He was with a Narcissist for 6 years (I was with a Sociopath for 3) made it to the top with platinum records and then because of drug addiction, the band crashed harrrrd. Because he is a man, I don't think he quite understood how that affected him. He has been sober for 10 years now and hasn't been with her since 2005 but he never dealt with it. I can see the trauma in his face when talks about it. The whole world talked about it, called them names, etc.

In the beginning, he was an agoraphobe. When we first became friends, I had not been with the Sociopath yet. He never came out of his room. If it weren't for his dog, he may have never come back he thinks.

Aside from that, I suspect something happened in his childhood that he is nowhere near ready to talk about. He may not ever because of society's stigmas.

So I think we both share a lot of emotional wounds in common. I may not have platinum records but I do know what it's like to be traumatized by drug addiction, not my own but other people's and I do know what it's like to have your character assassinated.

Only difference is I started my journey 2 years ago. He hasn't even started his. He expressed to me today that he is afraid to and for so long, he felt maybe it was too late.

I told him we have to; for the sake of our marriage and for our future kids. I've read that it will ALL come out when you have kids. I want to stop the cycle. I was just waiting for him to get on the same page.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Haha :roflmao: when people meet, instead of asking each other, "Hey do you wanna date me?" And later, "Will you marry me?", they should say, "Hey, wanna reenact your childhood with me?" :wtf:

 

[Philippa]

Very true. :D That could be the new catch phrase of the 21st century.

To answer your question though, honestly, I am no expert on Borderline Personality Disorder (which I hate the label...wish it could just be 'Those who've been damaged in childhood by their parents', but that's too long I guess.) I think it is possible for these people to change and recover, but it does take a very long time and lots of hard and constant work on their part. I don't think many of them really go the whole distance though, and that's understandable.

As for reflecting, I'm not sure...that's my honest answer. There may be some element that is similar between them and narcissists, so self-reflection may be extremely difficult, but I don't know that it is impossible, as it seems to be with narcissists?