Relationship Hubbie Has Left For A Break - Hoping To Fix Himself

[Sunshine71]

My stomach is in knots and I haven't stopped crying.

Its been horrendous these past few weeks and hubbie is cold, distant and hurt after finding out another man and I were messaging each other. It was more than just messages too I am gutted to say.

He has said that he needs to have a break - from me. He is staying round a friends house. He says he wants some time away to fix himself - he needs quiet and feels anxious around me - well this is how I have felt for years so I have hardened towards him. I say I am a reflection of how he is - when he is feeling good I can feel good - when he is feeling horrible and cold then thats how I act as I am trying to protect myself.

He went through my PC the other day and even read my messages on this forum. I understand. The house feels calmer. I have stopped crying but my eyes are sore.

My son will be home around 5.30 - he knows daddy is staying away for some time but will come back and see him.
He says he is doing this for us, he loves me and will always be there for me. PTSD has changed him so much. And now I have made things even worse.

Getting attention after 10 years of none was fun - even if it was just messages but it wasnt worth this upset and I am so sorry for responding to the guy.

I just want to be close to my hubby again.

I hope this space helps and we can both breathe again.

There is nothing worse than PTSD.

Sunshine x

 

[TheMinsterman]

Stay strong, as much as you can.

Space may just be what you both need to figure out what you're going to do going forward, I know you love him but you have to think about yourself too. Can you go on like this? Not getting any love back in return for yours? You have to remember this is about BOTH of you, not just him. Maybe you need a break and to move on, I know you regret the texting but... it's clear you NEED affection, you can't just go on forever without it.

Is he going to come back a changed man and start giving you what you need? If not, you can't just stay together for the sake of it, you are just as important as him, PTSD or no PTSD.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you The Minsterman - this is spot on.

My hubbie has stayed away for 2 nights now and it feels like a weight has been lifted - the house seems to have relaxed too. Its weird.

He come back for a few hours yesterday to see our son and flared up because we were just getting on with things we needed to do and didnt stop to focus / be with him. I just didnt know how to be. He wants a break so I cant try to cuddle up with him on the sofa?! And I dont want the rejection.

He says he loves me. But after an hour and 1/2 he flared up.

I had emails to sort out and a live radio interview to do! I was happy - he was saying that it was me causing an upset!

He didnt say this is why he flared up however this is how I feel.

I feel so confused and I am scared as I went from a child living with parents to hubbie and I starting our lives together - getting married in our early 20's and I have never been on my own.


Sunshine x

 

[The Albatross]

I think your minimizing the effect your actions had on your separation. Yeah, I moved into the other bedroom and was no contact with my mister when I discovered that he was having inappropriate contact with women on the net for over 6 months and kicked him out and would only let him return if he agreed to counseling and mediation. So I can understand why he might not want to be cuddled.

You are not seeing the effect or your actions and the consequential damage to your relationship... you are justifying and expecting your spouse to demonstrate qualities you yourself don't possess, saying "I don't want the rejection". He likely felt rejection when your actions came to the fore as well.

I expect he does love you but is in some emotional turmoil about the state of the marriage himself. With regard to "fixing himself"... that is good. What if anything are or can you do to initiate some "fixing" yourself?

In both your posts... you seem prepared to go your own way rather than save your marriage of course I'm only basing that on what you've written. Could be totally off base, and likely am but I just call it like I see it.

 

[Sunshine71]

Some of what you say is correct - I do need to work on me and how I am in the marriage. I am just exhausted and gutted.

My emotional affair (I didn't even know this is what it was until I posted on this forum) was horrendous and I have set things back dramatically with hubbie and his ptsd as he is so stressed. I wish I could turn the clock back. I wish I never did it. I should have said no. But I got caught up and it felt good. It wasnt real to me - like I was reading a book.

Maybe I am prepared to go my own way - however I am scared and I dont want to - I want a loving marriage with my hubbie but I am trying to be realistic too. After 10 years of living with a black cloud I am scared to be on my own and I just want my hubbie back. But I want to be able to give him the love and affection I have inside of me too. And at the moment I am just trying to get on without crying my eyes out and breaking down.