Supporter Husband Of Wife With Ptsd

[mywifestrigger]

We found out Wednesday evening that our youngest grandson, about one month old and in the hospital for meningitis, was going to have brain surgery. Upon hearing the news my wife began sobbing. I held her and prayed. Then yesterday morning, as she was continuing to sob, she asked me to ask her mom and dad for money for a airline ticket so that she could go help my son and daughter-in-law with their other two children. Her mom and dad were gracious to us again and I got the ticket using the information from my mother-in-law.

After I purchased the ticket, with the information from my mother-in-law, I made my wife breakfast, held her and prayed for her. She went back to sleep and slept for an additional 4 hours into the after noon. I went to work to try to catch up from taking care of her.

I have just started a new job and have only gotten one day of training. Yesterday, i received help from a vendor that knew of another individual in the corporation that he called and I was able to receive help. The call lasted about 50 minutes and it was an answer to prayer. The result, however, was that I was 50 late in getting home. I did call my wife and let her know that I was going to be late, however, this did not stop the trigger within my wife.

So here is my question. Does PTSD justify my wife going into a rant because of me being late, even though I called her, and verbally degrading me, trying to shame me, and using the fact that I have been unemployeed for 8 weeks, to try to verbally emasculate me? Does PTSD always cause the victim with PTSD to lash out at someone? As I continue being married to my wife, will PTSD continue to manifest through my wife, and use my wife to lash out at me because, I am my wife's trigger? Does PTSD always lash out at some person or thing?

As you, Never Give Up, separate yourself from your wife to get some relief from her abusive behavior, is there within your wife, a reservoir of where the abusive behaviors and future verbal assults continue to grow and multiply? Does having PTSD justify abusing others?

 

[Never Give Up]

@mywifestrigger - I had never noticed any abusive behavior in the past 21 years. It seems to have manifested itself within the past few months. I am not sure but she might now feel threatened and she is reacting to me based on her mood and conditions. She seems nice to my children, but just treats me unjust. I do not get your outbursts you are getting since we do no talk at all. She seems to avoid confrontations and basic interactions that are needed. When I do ask questions like "so where do go from here" since there are divorce papers that had been served, or "what are you expectations for our marriage". Those kind of questions seem to not get answered and she goes into her shell. At this time....our marriage has been placed on hold and as of today I am not sure about the divorce.
I am worried that if she decides to work on our marriage, can she really put effort into repairing it. Will she ever be able to interact and have a tender loving heart again. I will place that situation in the Lord's hands if it happens.

(mywifestrigger) - I am sorry to hear about your grandson's condition. I hope you are able to help out when you are with your family. Safe travels to you and your wife.
When it comes to your new job. I think you did the right thing by calling her ahead of time. Shame on her for lashing out at you even with the communication that was established. You cannot take on that burden all the time. It will mentally emasculate your brain and body. Keep in touch. I look forward to your daily posts.

 

[Echo]

@mywifestrigger - the answer is a simple 'no', but I feel I've said this to you before. Please read around this forum; you will see there are many of us with PTSD who never, ever lash out or abuse people, not even when triggered. You don't explain how this is a trigger for your wife and, forgive me, if I have missed your telling of your story as to why you trigger her by being late. It is abusive behaviour and she needs treatment, if she is not having it already.

 

[mywifestrigger]

Thanks to both of you. In reading around the site, I see individuals that have PTSD that process frustration, anger, rage in many different ways. Honestly, I am asking if Individuals with PTSD can ever embrace a total healing and how they can overcome PTSD. My wife is on medication, however the dosage is not being monitored by a doctor. She has an appointment in May, however, she will not let me go with her. This is her "right" as an American, however, she just plays a false happy face and manipulates the doctor to get the meds she wants. She treats litterally everyone else great, except she treats me like garbage. There are exceptions. If someone offends her in any way, she will litterally cut off relationship with them. For example, our third son's mother-in-law. My wife has absolutely excommunicated her. The reason is that she gently confronted my wife about her treatment of me that she witnessed and she confronted her about the mistreatment that she noticed my wife dishing out to our son that is married to her daughter. My wife passionately hates her. Is this symptomatic of PTSD?

 

[Echo]

Sorry to sound repetitive, but I don't hate anyone, not even my abusers. I do think your wife has anger issues. That may be a character trait or it may be due to untreated PTSD rage. I distance myself from abusive people, regardless of PTSD. We do all have to learn to avoid triggers, but generally the people whose behaviour, through no fault of theirs generally, happens to trigger me, don't intend to do so. Some are ignorant of PTSD, some are judgmental and not very nice, some refuse to engage with what it might be like to go through this. If I can educate them, I will; if they persist in telling me where I'm going wrong or are unpleasantly judgmental, then I will avoid them. I won't hate them though. That part seems to belong to the anger issues. The original hurt part of your wife has every right to be angry. But she doesn't have any right to be angry at other people.

 

[mywifestrigger]

The reason the mother-in-law of our third son gently confronted my wife with PTSD about her treatment of our son, was that my wife and her were developing a very close relationship and she thought she could gently speak concerns to my wife. This is a very kind woman that when my wife excommunicated her, she asked her husband to talk to me. These people are genuine. The reached out to me in kindness asking me if I could help them repair any damage to the relationship they could be responsible for. My wife treats them like she does me. It is like these people "trigger" her also. Is this PTSD? Is the only way for a PTSD sufferer to cope with individuals that trigger them, to NOT associate with them any more?

My wife got a Christmas gift from them. We share the same sweet grand daughter with them. The snowman had a little wooden sign that read "Family is Forever". My wife threw it in the trash. Is this PTSD behavior? Is there any hope?

 

[Echo]

@mywifestrigger - I mentioned various ways of dealing with someone who triggers you, whether they intend it or not in my previous post. So no, it is not the only way of dealing with it.

I'm afraid you keep insisting that her anger issues are PTSD. I don't even have PTSD rage, though I accept that it may come at a later stage of my treatment. I shan't be hitting out at anyone with it, because that is not in my nature. I shall be doing everything I can to avoid that and will immediately deal with it with my therapist.

Please stop reducing everything to PTSD for your own sake.

 

[mywifestrigger]

Echo, thank you. I think you have helped me in my quest for answers. For example, please explain "untreated PTSD rage". What is untreated PTSD rage? How do you deal with it? How do you treat it? My wife has received EMDR therapy in the past, however, if EMDR therapy is not followed up and monitored, could her mind use the "compartments of processing past PTSD traumas" that EMDR placed the files of her mind, to forge weapons to harm others in the future if EMDR is not proactively used in treatment as time goes on?

This phrase you used in answering my question "untreated PTSD rage" resonates with me. This is what I have been trying to get answers for. Could a by-product of EMDR once introduced as treatment therapy, actually form a incubator of an area in an individuals mind that could produce mental reasoning and rationalization that would be distorted unhealthy thought patterns that would manifest in super rage?

 

[mywifestrigger]

Please understand that I am not insisting that PTSD is the correct diagnosis. I don't know the correct "box" that my wife's behavior fits in according to the DSVM book or whatever it is titled. My wife has been diagnosed with PTSD, bi-polar disorder, manic/depression, depression, anxiety, multiple personality disorder, I don't know. I do know that this site has helped me in my search for answers and this site has helped me never give up.

 

[Echo]

@mywifestrigger - I'm afraid I cannot answer your questions. I am just not qualified to do so. I would suggest in all seriousness that you make an appointment for yourself to see a trauma specialist so that you can can clarity. All I can say with emerging trauma memories is that as we gradually approach them, we get nearer and nearer the true feelings that we will have experienced when we were abused. Only now they are not numbed out anymore. It is the body's way of dealing with it in the moment, but now it needs to release the terror, hurt, fear, and very probably anger that anyone would treat us in this abusive way. In treatment, it is generally managed. You would have to answer a therapist how they would do this, but you would need to ensure that that person was a fully trained trauma therapist of some kind.

I am not suggesting that PTSD is not the correct diagnosis at all. What I mean is that you should not think everything you perceive to be difficult about your wife's behaviour stems from PTSD; it obviously doesn't. Otherwise we would all be the same. Seek professional help to understand and this may save your marriage and/or your own mental health and that of your children.

 

[mywifestrigger]

Thank you for your response.

 

[mywifestrigger]

Never Give Up, it is my understanding that you moved to your parents home and that your wife is with your children in your home. Further, that your wife has filed divorce papers. My question, if your wife has been lashing out at you recently and if she does in fact have PTSD, then where and against whom will she release her anger and anxiety in your absence? Are your children old enough to deal with your wife's behavior?