If it helps at all? These are all common side effects of adults in abusive relationships, too.
The reason abuse “works” is that it’s not insanely different from normal human behavior. It’s completely normal and natural to anticipate someone else’s needs/wants/desires (to make them happy, to function better as a team, cast oil on troubled waters, etc.). That happens inside of pretty much every healthy relationship, ever. As does forgiving someone a hard day, or giving them a bit of leeway for this situation or that circumstance, etc. That interconnected interplay is simply part of being in a relationship with someone. Professional, personal, romantic, etc.
Where abuse warps things is that it takes that perfectly normal/healthy connection and ups it. Both the consequence/reward (abusive relationships tend to be intense, both good & bad parts x10) AND the level of responsibility. Instead of each person being responsible for themselves? It becomes the other person’s responsibility to provide the emotional baseline for the other. (This is part of where the codep springs from). It’s the victims “responsibility” to keep their abuser happy and any unhappiness is their “fault”, meanwhile the abuser dictates how their partner/child/etc. is “allowed” to feel. Not happy enough? KaPow! Too happy? KaPow! Goal 1 - keep abuser happy, Goal 2 be what they want you to be.
With adults with no abuse history? You generally have to ease them into this dynamic. Building off of the normal/healthy expressions, pushing boundaries, until this becomes their normal. With kids, it’s their normal from Day 1. (Or of later in childhood, they can’t leave, so must adapt... but that tends towards other side effects than if an adult is eased into it or it’s all a child has ever known).
Clearly, it’s more complicated, the above is just picking one normal facet of love/life/relationships and how it warps In abuse, and there are dozens. But as you’ve lived it, you know that.
The main point being... that none of these things that progress into the harmful or pathological? Start off that way. Whether you’re talking about anticipating someone else’s needs/wants/desires, or problem solving, or any of it. There’s a tooooooootally healthy / lovely / beneficial range below the warped levels abuse pushes things into. It’s not that any of them are inherently wrong. All of those things on the short list above? (Codep, control issues, trust issues, fawning, martyrdom, manipulation) can just as easily be character assets, rather than serious problems, once they’re moved out of the abuse range and into the normal range. Then? They become things like teamwork & confidence & empathy & well thought out / skilled negotiations, etc. Things “just” have to be moved back a step. Which is harder than swinging to the polar opposite (from fawning into domineering, enmeshed to cold uncaring and distant, etc.)
