I don't take criticism or rejection well, do you?

[lostforgottensoul]

And it is one that keeps repeating itself in my life over and over, since my earliest childhood. That is like for about 60 years! That is a long time for a person to endure bullying of one kind or another. Too long!!!

Right, I agree, BUT, you must ask yourself must you let it affect you?

I am queen of f*cked up lousey situations. Trust me! They happen to me over and over as well. I mean, think about it. Every single family member on my dad's and mom's side of my family thinks I am a f*cked up piece of shit that should be locked away somewhere forever with keys thrown away. My dad is 40 yrs older then me so I am 3rd generation on that side (2nd cousins and nieces and nephews are my age) and my mom is 2nd youngest of 14 kids. That's A LOT of people.

They not only think I am a piece of shit but my dad's side make damn sure I am aware of what they think of me in everyway known to man. Then they go steps further and internet stalk me and bully the f*ck out of me. My own family!

I was bullied all the way through school, at every job I can think of, and by my own family (as well as many others I can think of). I get bullying.

And I am not trying to say that my life is worse then yours or that my situation is worse then yours. I am just giving a bit of reference and saying, what do you do with that? Do you allow it to eat you alive? We cannot do anything about what other people do, how they behave, nor does it matter if it is wrong or not and how wrong it is and how many agree with you. I don't even think anyone in this thread is saying it is ok or right for him to act this way but he is and that's just that.

You know the old saying "you get lemons and you make lemonaid"? Yep, I hate that saying too but you have to sit back and think. It may be a suck ass saying but it's damn true! Another one is "Life is what you make it."

So, the question I would ask yourself is not just why is it affecting you (which it seems you have already figured that out) but how do I not allow it to affect me? That is what I would work on with your new therapist. You cannot change him. You can only change how you react to the sitiation.

The first thing my therapist wrote on the back of a business card is on my fridge and have looked at it and said it to myself every single day of those 8 years "whatever other people think about me is none of my business". And it is true. Very, very true.

 

[Deleted member 541]

It’s been months now and still you are obsessed with this guy, instead of finding ways to cope with the situation. You allow this person to take up space in your head, and in your life, rather than ignoring or doing someth8ng. Basically all you do when you think about this, obsess over it, is make it even more prominent within your life.

He does these things because he KNOWS it gets to you. He does it because he can, because you don’t stand up for yourself and you don’t put down boundaries.

I don’t want to hear that your in your 60s and it’s hard to change. Or that you were never allowed to talk back. You are an adult, you can say NO, and you can place boundaries.

 

[Changing4Best]

I did place boundaries, and they have been violated, in many ways. It took a long time for me to do so, but I did so. None the less, the boundaries are still being violated, ones I placed through others and ones I placed myself. At this point the violating of them is very covert and only when no one in a position of authority is in the area to witness it, so he is being very sly at this point, but he is still bullying.

What can *I* do about it? I don't know how to NOT let it bother me, so that has to be worked on in Trauma Therapy for sure. I know that. That is why I am applying for the this therapy. I was advised to apply for this therapy, in fact.

Anyway, if I knew how not to be obsessed with this or let it take up so much space in my mind, don't you think I would have done that by now! I have no clue. All I know is that is has been happening for most of my life. I think I was forced to accept this kind of behavior at a very young age. I have some memories of it for sure, although these were repressed memories until I was in my mid-30s.

At that time, I was forced into the memories in therapy, against my will I might add, and then therapy ended. I am not sure how it came about that therapy ended on this at that point, but it did. It was either decided upon by my husband for financial reasons or it was decided upon by the Therapist, but it was decided upon by others and I made no effort to change that decision. I wanted NOTHING to do with those memories!

It has taken me some 25-30 years to get to the point where I am willing to deal with them in therapy. It is this exact situation that has brought me to the point where I am desperate enough to want to deal with them.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy Ok, so tell us EXACTLY what boundaries you’ve placed and then what CONSEQUENCES you placed for him stepping over the boundaries you’ve placed. How many times have you placed boundaries and how many times have you followed up with the consequences???

It’s not about being polite and asking nicely for him to stop. You only do that the first time. The second time (if it were me)I’d get in his face and tell him that if he opened his mouth one more time, he’d be pulling his head out of his ass, because one more time and I’d shove his head so far up his ass he’d be seeing shit for a week!!!!! Bullies only understand bullies and I can be a bully when warranted!!!!!

So consequences MUST be implemented in order for him to get it....

 

[Changing4Best]

I did get angry at him, but I really cannot raise my voice, because this is all happening at WORK and it could upset my client (and I could be fired) if I were to say something like that (in fact, I would be fired!) Even so, when I got angry at him, he did look like a deer in the headlights when I got through with him. HE said "Leave me a lone." However, I got in trouble with my distant boss, because this could have upset my client, my raising my voice. So I cannot do that again, I have been advised against it.

I did go to my boss that is here locally, (not the one I just mentioned above) but she says she cannot take sides. She says he claims I have wronged him, but she will not say how.

So I wrote to her boss and sent him a letter 2 days ago. It probably just got to him today. In it I mentioned the book BULLYING AMONG OLDER ADULTS and also a website and asked that we be given some training that is mentioned in the book. I sent him copies of 2 pages from the book.

As to what boundaries I placed, the only one I did place, a long time ago, was saying "I am not in the mood to be teased." The bully left me alone for a month or so after this, but started talking crap about me behind my back and saying that he hated me. He then started saying nasty things in response to things I was saying to others. Finally when he got angry at me (for something that anger was clearly not called for) that was when I got angry at him and told him off.

Again, my hands are tied, because of what my distant boss told me AND THE BULLY IS PROBABLY WELL AWARE OF THIS.

I will be working on ME in therapy though. I need to learn how NOT to let this crap "get" me. That is one thing that I will be asking for when I get evaluated. In fact, I am thinking that I might just start to make a list, so I don't forget anything, as my memory is going, going almost gone!

 

[Deleted member 541]

@SheilaKathy A boundary is not saying, “ I’m not in the mood to be teased”. A boundary goes someth8ng like this..... “Please don’t speak to me like that again, and if you do then XYZ will happen”. The XYZ could be, you will report him, you will never speak to him again, or whatever you feel.

I really think that you need to research what a boundary is, and how to implement one. Because your not getting what one is....

And in my previous post, I said it’s WHAT I WOULD DO!!!!! I didn’t tell you to do it. Again, it’s what I would do, because I learned along time ago, how to place boundaries and how to deal with bullies like him. He only torments you because you allow it....

Oh, and if you can’t say anything in front of your client, then do it at the bus station or someplace else that you see him or run into him....

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I really cannot raise my voice, because this is all happening at WORK and it could upset my client (and I could be fired) if I were to say something like that (in fact, I would be fired!)

HR is there for a reason

 

[Changing4Best]

We don't have an HR. All we have is my local boss and my distant boss, who have very different jobs. Then there is my boss's boss....

 

[Changing4Best]

There is no bus station. It all happens on the Senior Center bus, or at the Senior Center. I don't see him elsewhere. Also, since I got angry at him, and even before that, we are not speaking. He speaks in such a way that he is replying to things I say to others with snide comments (sometimes even days later). He just says these things like to the whole group, not to me personally.

I have been doing my best to just ignore him as much as possible, but since he sits right behind me, that is not very easy to do, and no, because of my client and where he sits (and no, my client cannot move seats) I cannot move seats either.

And, for reasons that are too complicated to explain, no, I cannot get another job.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

All we have is my local boss and my distant boss, who have very different jobs. Then there is my boss's boss....

Ok, report it to your boss. Nothing is done then their boss and so forth. You report up the ladder as you would any job. Coworker saftey is there at any place that employs workers. At least of some sort. Everyone has a boss unless you're the owner.

Also, since I got angry at him, and even before that, we are not speaking.

Why were you speaking to him to begin with? This is what, I think, @She Cat is talking about with not knowing what a boundry is. Boundry: You do not speak to me in that mannor (or I will not allow someone to speak to me in that mannor to say what you will and will not allow in your life). Concequence: We stop speaking and you get reported to [whatever boss up the ladder] each time you speak to me in that mannor or I overhear you speaking to another in that mannor. Possible secondary concerquence: He is fired. Your ass is covered from a he said/she said because you reported it when it happened and a detailed log was made by those higher ups when you reported it that can be traced.

They pay you but that does not mean you get to take abuse and bullying. Workplace bullying is a huge issue and so far in these last few jobs they have had yearly trainings on it. Last few jobs equates to about 8 years of time. I would even say it goes back further but could not be sure.

 

[Changing4Best]

I sent a letter to my local boss's boss requesting such training this past Monday. I also sent info about where to find such training on the web as well as a couple of pages about it from a book. I am waiting to see what if anything is done about it. The bully does not work there. It is a social club for senior citizens. He attends. That is all he does, he attends and he causes trouble. Lots of trouble.

But my boss seems to think that because he has claimed that all those who he has wronged have wronged him that she can't take sides. She has taken the same attitude the last time I brought up the fact that someone was teasing someone there. The person being teased was mentally ill and retarded or as they say these days developmentally disabled. The teaser started in on her for no reason whatsoever. He walked across the room to do so. I reported it and my boss had this attitude about it that was something like, "Oh, that is just something that is going on between them (with a "so what" tone of voice)." So I chewed out the guy who was doing the teasing with high volume anger. He never teased that girl again in my presence, but on my days off, who knows what happened.... @lostforgottensoul.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@SheilaKathy, if he attends then report it to staff. Basically, do what you can to report it but if this is your job (taking care of seniors even if those seniors are assholes) then that's your job. I get yelled at by customers every day but I do not allow it to affect me. They are mad at the company, not at me. Basically there needs to be a level of seperation between you and clients/attendees.

But no matter what, people are going to bully. How we handle that is the difference. And that is what I would work on with your therapist.