I Figured It Out! I Think...

[Smile]

Today was a hard day. Had a doctor appointment and on the way there there was a thunderstorm. Lightening and thunder really trigger me lately.

In the doctors office my blood pressure was high and my doctor said my heart was racing. I explained to him about the thunder LOL.

A month ago he had given me a ZPAC for bronchitis but now he said I had a sinus infection and needed stronger antibiotics. He gave me much stronger antibiotics and said I need to eat food with it (which in and if itself is a problem because I have no appetite and barely eat).

Anyhow I forced myself to buy a salad, ate it and took the meds. About an hour later I started feeling nauseous and I first thought it was from the food because my stomach has shrunk so much lately that eating too much can do that. But then realized it was probably due to the antibiotics.

These stupid small medical situations always stress me out. I always jumped to the weirdest scariest conclusions. Like that my stomach is going to explode or have a heart attack and no one will find my body for days.

Then I thought to myself, what would be the worst thing to happen to me? And I realized the worst possible scenario is that I would die… And dying is really one of the things I kind of wish for. Peace. And that actually calmed me down a lot.

Weird, huh?

 

[Mystery]

Smile, that's not weird, that's courage and yep, you've got something very important worked out. I say something similar to myself when I go around in anxiety circles, I say...'I'm going to deal with this, even if I die trying'. Every day is one we don't get back.

 

[shimmerz]

@Mystery my quote is something similar. "I am going to fight this OR die trying'. I too welcome death. Not weird given what has happened and my situation. Peace. I just want peace. @Smile this world is not wired to be accepting and peaceful. It is full of judgement if you aren't 'the same'. Seriously, aren't we all born being different? Shouldn't we all be different? That is not embraced in this culture.

As Mystery said, this concept that you have come to is not weird, it is one of strength, new knowledge about your inner feelings, and the fact that it has come up allows you to decide whether it is something you can look at right now or leave for a later date to deal with. Congratulations for finding another piece of your puzzle! Keep stepping Smile!

 

[Smile]

Thank you @Mystery and @shimmerz!

It's interesting that you both used kind and positive words to describe it. When the idea struck me my thoughts were negative negative & a little more negative . Ahh, this must be what my therapist calls "negative thinking".

I suppose some of the cbt & dbt may actually be seeping in . Thank you for eloping me realize that too!